Mandarins Of Metaphor

What if I say, I am not a cricket fan? With the World Cup extravaganza on, it is akin to blasphemy. Well, don’t throw that shoe on my blog.

Once upon a time, I ‘used to be’ a cricket fan. A fan and not a fanatic! But that was before innumerable ‘Gates happened’…..Cronje Gate, Woolmer Gate, IPL Gate to name a few. Worse, the betting scandals and murky deals dampened my enthusiasm. Now whenever the minnows beat the favorites, my cynical suspecting mind goes for a six. Also I believe that after thousands of crores of unaccounted money starts pouring in the game, then teams may win or lose; the sport surely looses.


The current fever is already giving me the shivers. Various channels are dissecting every ball. Given the propensity of Indians to talk and dispense opinions, it is but natural. We can animatedly discuss one ball, for an entire week. Everyone has an opinion.

Leave alone lesser mortals, the legends of the game have arrived in hordes. From an amiable Ranatunga to a suave Sir Viv, all dressed impeccably; perched on cricketing stools dispense cricketing gyan. The only prominent cricketer missing in action is the Aussie 'Spin king 'Burly who is busy with Hurley. The ESPN Star Sports will pay thirty-six commentators Rs 20 lakh each for the ongoing World Cup. That’s a swinger! So when pointless matches mean nothing to you then these masters of the game English them into meaning. Get ready to taste your cricket; spiced by Chris Gayle and served by Allan Border.






But can someone enlighten me as to why the Hindi speaking viewers have to tolerate R S? No, not Ravi Shastri, but Rakhee Sawant! The Hindi channel Aaj Tak has Loud Mouth Sawant making silly points about cricket with gold dust smeared on her twin assets. Seriously I pity the girl (?). She wants to show all but unfortunately no one wants to see her no balls. After checking herself and pouting in every mirror Veena Mallik displays her fine legs on India TV. What does she know about the game? Well, she is an ex- girlfriend of an ex-cricketer. The English channels are still betting on the noodle strapped Bedi. No not Bishen Singh. Now do not imagine him in noodle straps. I am talking about our very chic Mandira Bedi! Another pair of fine legs on display belong to Ms Chopra who is tantalizingly perched on Times Now studios. No not Priyanka, but Roshni Chopra. You can get bold or caught depending on your taste.


Undoubtedly, most exasperating of them is the mandarin of metaphor, the Turbanator. No, not Bhajji but Sidhu! Sachin may be master blaster on the field but Sidhu is the rhetorical blaster off the field. A book by Geoff Tibballs, ‘The Bowler is holding the Batsmans Willy’, has a chapter dedicated to Sidhu. Forget Sidhu’s quote on Piyush Chawla, ‘He is as confused as a child in a topless bar’. Thats passé! Bush’s Bushisms pale in comparison to Sidhu’s Sidhuisms. You don’t agree? Okay then catch this one. While describing Sachin standing on his toes to play a shot he says - ‘he played that like a dwarf in a urinal’. Now you believe me?


The final word belongs to the erstwhile Little Master who minces no words. Diplomacy is not his forte; unlike Bhogle. His favorite dart board is the Australian team which has already started smashing LCDs. I wonder why they hate electronics so much. Remember the Aussies threw a washing machine out of the window during the CWG? Why mate? Aggression or attitude, you decide.

How can I forget ‘dada’ who looks more like an MBA graduate with spectacles and a dignified demeanor? Impossible to think that he once took off his shirt in front of millions!


The pressure cooker situation is yet to arrive when we enter the semi-finals. Till then commentators are milking the ball. Right Shastri? Or are they firing on all cylinders? Right Raja? No, not A. Raja. But Rameez Raja!

Single Forced To Mingle

Surely, it must be the times we live in. As I summon memories I remember that when I went to a hostel, away from home, my mother had said, “Enjoy the freedom. But do not fall in love and dare not have ‘boyfriends’. Coming from city based doctor parents, the words remained a tattoo on my memory. And needless to say doomed my college life!

Today my mom is a cool granny who frets and laments that her teen grandson, is not in a relationship. “Poor guy, he doesn't have a girlfriend.”

When I ask her, “Why were the restrictions only for me?”
She shrugs, “Times have changed, so have I.”

Welcome to the times where grannies are genuinely concerned about the love life of their grandchildren.

If you are a twenty something, struggling with degrees, qualifications, and placements, then the month of February triggers panic. This month I have read dozens of posts where youngsters are wallowing in the misery of bachelorhood. The point is: Must the youngsters always oscillate between pressures? You are cool, or hot or whatever, only if you are with an arm candy?

And who says that? I can hear raucous laughter coming from the shop owners who sell silly red pillows with a cupid’s arrow embroidered on it which is symbolic of eternal love. And damn Facebook! Why should we have to announce to the world about our relationship status? Relationship is not an acquisition for the world to comment. It is not about posting pictures with that debonair tomcat or the happening temptress. Nor is it not about seeking acceptance on a public platform.

Nobody, nobody tells you, “Relax, it will all come your way, sooner or later.” I read an article that in the month of February the Chinese internet was abuzz with messages like, “spring festival is coming. My parents want me home with a boyfriend. So I decided to rent one. Requirements: 180 cm, mature, nice , respectful and working. Payment 3,000 Yuan for a week- Xiaoyu888.

Single Chinese professionals are renting fake boyfriends and girlfriends in a desperate measure to cope with spending a week at home with conservative parents. In the month of February millions of Chinese travel home for family reunion during the lunar New Year. They ‘lose face’ if they do not have a marriageable partner. In Chengdu, a girl stood on the road with a banner offering 10,000 Yuan (66,000Rs) for a fake boyfriend for five days. Rented romance includes deals, stipulating obligations and price.

There was a story about a fake girlfriend who kept forgetting her lines, to the consternation of the young man who had hired her and trained her on what to say to his parents. The professional men are too busy to find a real girlfriend or cannot afford one as they just graduated from college.

For some it might be a great idea to ward off parental pressure. Yet, imagine the plight of the poor guy who rents a fake girlfriend, carrying a fake LV bag, giving a fake smile fluttering fake eyelashes at his real relatives? And what if the rented boyfriend is a greedy jerk who blackmails to shell out more money, lest he exposes the secret? And if he spills the beans one is left with no boyfriend and no family. Disaster!

Of course love is a beautiful emotion. It is any day better to send those red pillows with cupid’s arrow rather than hate messages. Today money can buy spectrum, ministries, contracts and morals…just about everything. I hope we do not end up as a society where we have to buy love.

Yes, coming from someone who was hooked, booked and almost cooked, long ago the post sounds like a crow bristling for no reason at all. Even at the risk of it, I have to say. “It will come to you sooner or later”. Till then rock with your bachelorhood and roll with your independence!

HOW TO WARD OFF ENEMIES

This post is on Feature Friday, Blog-O-Sphere



Believe it or not black magic and hocus pocus works. It sure did. The suryanamaskars in the nude have saved him once again.

Bhanu Prakash, personal astrologer of Karnataka’s CM, Mr Yeddyurappa has advised him to perform suryanamaskars in the nude to ward off the effect of black magic. And who, you might ask is wasting his precious time performing black magic on the poor spotless soul? Well, who else but his equally upright opponents. Mr. Kumaraswamy is busy performing special pujas to dethrone the present occupant. In order to counter the former CM, the beautiful city of myriad possibilities has a leader who is balancing on one leg; umm...well in the buff. How about writing a book, or better still releasing a CD on the yogic poses going by the title, ‘Yoga for political survival’? It will beat the sales of Ms Shettys CD on yoga.http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/india/To-ward-off-evil-BSY-to-do-yoga-in-the-buff/articleshow/7407645.cms

Strange. Often the way out of scandals is even more scandalous.
If you really want to delve into great minds, forget reading biographies of the legends. Forget Obamas', ‘Audacity of Hope’, or Nandan's, ‘Imagining India’.
We are fortunate enough to have leaders with great vision, infinite wisdom and enormous experience to lead us in the twenty first century. In fact they should pen their experiences for the larger benefit of mankind.
Sonia ji can shed some light on, ‘How to use a remote control- Power without accountability’. Rahul, the dimpled one can explain, ‘How coalition politics is responsible for inflation’. The future breed of foreign ministers can learn from the memoirs, ‘Such things happen – Political gaffes by Krishna’. True, it could happen to anyone who is seventy-eight and zooming non-stop across the globe. One only hopes that he doesn’t board a wrong flight.

Since there are buyers ranging from bored housewives to perky youngsters to over-worked executives the ‘How to…’books will help the country men in realizing their dreams. Any help to satiate the cravings of a stressed society looking for external approval is up for grabs. And if the pearls of wisdom are from our very own leaders, it would be so enlightening.

Most men are in awe of a leader from the south, with dark glasses. Why? Well, when most can’t manage one, he has managed the enviable task of maintaining three wives with such grace and élan. It aint easy to distribute television channels, real estate and bank balances to all three and their children. And to remember three anniversaries when most can’t remember one! How about a user friendly manual by the DMK boss with tips, ‘The power of three’.



Coming back to Yeddyurappa, last year, allegedly he summoned a protective cloak around himself when a rebel MLA had undertaken a donkey sacrifice to eliminate him. By the way, I request him to write a book so that other hapless souls, other than the hapless donkey, can get precious advice on ‘How to ward off enemies’.Yet, his worries are far from over. Going by the advice of tantriks, what if human sacrifice is next on the list? I am sure the publishers will lap every account of, ‘Black magic for surviving all odds’ by Yeddyurappa.

A tome as memorable and perhaps as appropriate as Barack Obama’s, ‘Audacity of Hope,’ a story told by one of the country’s greatest leaders, who realized that the only hope for a modern nation is to ward off the effects of black magic. A compelling read!

DADDYS GIRL

The US President revealed his lighter side as he ventured into his concerns as a father. His worries about daughter Malia, who turns twelve in July found the first mention. “Like most of you my prayers are general: Lord, give me patience as I watch Malia go to her first dance – where there will be boys. Lord let that skirt get longer as she travels to the dance.”

Life is such a great leveler. So what if he is the President; he is also a concerned daddy at heart. His dreams, his worries reverberate with most fathers in the world.

Fathers remain indulgent and protective towards daughters, but become coaches and purveyors of wisdom for sons. The love remains unconditional for both yet the former relationship remains verbal whereas the latter sometimes becomes muted.
Once children grow up, dads continue to remain heroes for daughters, yet, seldom remain buddies for sons. The stereotypical image of a filmi father comes to mind where the righteous dad tells his wayward son to pack his bags and leave the house for good.

Whether it is a son or a daughter, the transition from an innocent child to an unpredictable teen  goes away in a flash. When was the last time my son did not get up early to watch cartoon ? When was it that he stopped giggling at  fart making jokes? When did he stop holding my hand in the market? Or when did he start conveying his disapproval with a studied silence instead of whining loudly? I never seem to have noticed. Yet these were milestones just like learning to walk or learning to ride a bicycle.

As I go back in time, it feels like yesterday. Or was it a lifetime ago? I am talking about my first bicycle ride. And who else but daddy was there holding the cycle, as I nervously perched on the pink seat. I was nervous but confident. Dad wouldn’t let me fall. As I wobbled, he jogged alongside enthusiastically. Within minutes the bicycle zoomed and he continued running alongside, until he was sure that I won’t fall. The ever protective dad!

Later when I went to a hostel, my dad turned up every weekend for the initial few months. My brother holds this grouse that dad never ever went to meet him. On second thoughts, he should be thankful. I doubt any eighteen year old boy would want dad with chocolates in a boy’s hostel.

I lost my dad to the emperor of maladies. While I feel his presence guiding, monitoring, and mentoring me, I long for the warmth of his protective hug, his comforting presence and the glint of his reassuring eyes.

Daddy's Little Girl. Always.

BAD IS LOOKING GOOD

At one of the countless award functions, when Vidya Balan was asked the classic question of television, “Aapko kaisa lag raha hai. How are you feeling?” she gushed, “If I knew that sleeping with two men, drinking and using expletives would win me the ‘Best Actress’ award, I would have done it much earlier.”

What set my mind ticking was the fact that the trophy was for the leading lady, the heroine, and not for essaying a ‘negative role’. Undeniably, a decade ago the same award would have gone to a vamp – the evil woman.
Playing Bad is looking Good on the big screen.

No wonder then that vying for the ‘Best Actor’ award was Salman, who featured as a corrupt cop, blurting flatulent jokes about stink making. Yes, the saving grace was that a la Robin Hood, he was fighting the larger evil, hmm...oops sorry the largest evil, the local goon/politician.



The biggest hit film this year, Dabangg, depicts Salman, asking his gang of grubby cops in to narrate jokes to make his beloved smile. The crass bunch bursts into vulgar gags, finally managing to amuse the lone girl in the police station. The audience is in splits, cheering for an encore. Robin Hood’s mother, Dimple protects her son’s ill–gotten wealth till her last breath. A complete antithesis of the erstwhile Nirupa Roy, who refused to support her loving but corrupt son.

The loathing for the corrupt politician has created such bitterness that perhaps the audience applauded the ‘politician bashing’ by the two brothers. Whatever be the case, the stereotypical honest cop has paved way for an abusive cop with doubtful morals. And he is the new hero…the one with bangla, gaadi and paisa. Not the one with ‘Ma’.

How silly of me. I thought ‘Peepli Live’ was an exaggeration, until the ‘Banda Rape’ case happened. Both were shamelessly politicized. In reel, it was ‘farmer’s suicide’ whereas in real Banda, it was ‘rape’. The victim was a Dalit and a minor to boot. What better stick to thrash BSP and fish in troubled waters? Policemen were squatting near the victim’s hut on charpoys and every political party worth its salt went there to extract a pound of flesh. Real transformed into reel. The victim being a prized catch, just as Natha was in ‘Peepli Live’. The girl will either be forgotten, or will stand for the forth-coming elections and win with a huge majority.

As corruption scandals bounce off the television screens and scream out of newspaper headlines, they find an echo on the big screen. Movies are celebrating nuances of corruption and we seem to be enjoying.

In ‘Do Dooni Char’, Mr Duggal, a teacher was offered thousand bucks for every mark that he gives to his dumb yet resourceful student. The honest teacher is tempted but refuses. The audience at some level is thinking, “Man why doesn’t he bite the bait? If he is so cash-strapped, why can’t he jump the gun and move from his rusty scooter to his new car? What's the big deal?”

I am all for moving with the times. The point really is that moving with the times comes with a caveat. Be cautious while celebrating the nuances of the C- word. At some level this celebration has all the chances of becoming acceptable and tolerable. While politicians have become poster boys for the C- word, there has been a somersault of morals in the society. How else can we explain the pouring of kerosene and burning of another human alive?

‘Sin is King’ for the ‘Kamineys’, ‘Dabaangs’, and the ‘Tees Maar Khans’. All tinged with subtle shades of the C -word. While the news is that the Dabangg of 2G has been arrested, the Dabangg of movies is having a jolly good time, contemplating on making a Dabangg 2 which promises more. More of what, is your guess.

And the award goes to the eponymous villain who is the new hero. So what if he cons loots or bribes? He does it in style. And he doesn’t get caught. If at all he does, he brazens it out. He does not resign on moral grounds – for there are no such grounds anymore.

The news is that Jennifer Lopez’s sister Catrina Lopez will be gyrating to an item number, in a forthcoming Hindi movie. She does not understand the lyrics but says she loves the song. The lyrics go, ‘Taan ke seena…ho ja kamina’. I guess that says it all.