Friday, January 24, 2014

Mad Men, Dacoits and Item Girls


All because the honorable Home Minister called the honorable Chief Minister of Delhi, ‘Yeda', some reporters experienced multiple orgasms. Excitedly, they went around town, shoving microphones, collecting sound bites on this Yeda remark.

“What do you think about Shinde Ji calling Kejriwal ‘Yeda’?

Clearly the media was fishing for more. Maybe they were expecting someone to quip, ‘Tu Yeda, Tera Baap Yeda, Tera khaandaan Yeda.’ 
Thankfully, no one obliged.

When reporters asked Mukhtaar Abbas Naqvi of the BJP to comment on the ‘Yeda’ remark, he said, “I have nothing to say about, ‘Yeda, Peda or Bakheda’.”

And if this was not enough, Udhav Thackeray Ji called the Aam Admi party an ‘Item Girl’ of politics. Eh? Trust Chetan Bhagat to ignite such controversy.
Never mind! You don’t disagree with Shiv Sena unless you are on a suicide mission.

Almost immediately, responsible media rushed towards Ms. Sawant to get her valuable inputs on this important national development. A more than happy Rakhee stirred, dabbed some pan cake, and emerged to express her priceless opinions on IIT-ian Kejriwal. According to her, Kejriwal is corrupt. Phew!

Yeh din bhi dekhna tha, I tell you.

So the lady was not offended by the item girl remark. I don’t blame her. You need two or three grey cells to recognize a back handed compliment. Frankly, this game of calling names is complicated. I am scratching my own head to understand who insulted whom!

Just when I thought I had enough, Mulayam Ji dared Modi Ji and implied that Modi ji’s ‘aukat’ was not enough to change the fortunes of UP. Modi ji, in his testosterone dipped voice roared that you need a ‘chappan inch ka seena’ to govern a state. The responsible media rushed to get counter bites from the SP. They fell for the bait and said that Modi Ji’s chest barb was a boast of a Chambal dacoit.

While I was assimilating the connection between chest flaunting and governance, I realized that we have a great choice for PM in beefy Uday Chopra. Other than abs and biceps, he had little else to show in Dhoom 3.
Why, even Himesh Reshamiyya is back after losing weight and pumping iron. Strangely, Himesh bhai’s case is like Rahul bhai’s in many ways. Both can spend 500 crores on image building and yet nothing changes. 

Image: www.ibnlive.in
 Since chest measurements are a prerequisite for good governance, I hear boys screaming Sunny, Sunny (Leone not Deol) and girls screaming Salman, Salman! Indeed, Salman was seen flying kites with the Iron Man who has similar chest size. Matching-matching.

It is not that Salman endorses Modi ji, heavens no. Salman was simply promoting Jai Ho! Strange that a movie previously called ‘Mental’ is being released as ‘Jai Ho’. If you get the connection between ‘Jai Ho’ and ‘Mental’ do let me know. Anyway, a Sallu movie has everything other than a plot. As long as beefcake thrusts pelvis in hundred funny ways and defies gravity, who cares whether we are watching Mental, Judgmental, Departmental, Sentimental or Accidental!

Kahan se Kharidi itni bakwaas dictionary, you ask? Well, dictionary be damned. Jibes in the form of new words are flying all around.

The Home Minister calls Kejriwal, ‘Yeda’, the BJP distributes ‘Peda’ and the media creates a ‘Bakheda’.

Who needs a reality show? News is good enough.

Image: facebook.com


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56 comments:

  1. "Himesh bhai’s case is like Rahul bhai’s in many ways. Both can spend 500 crores on image building and yet nothing changes. "
    HAHAHAHAHAH toooooooo Good!
    and are you serious about MENTAL? :O
    I am scratching my head here now!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dead serious.
      Good to see you here Red. :)

      Delete
  2. Alka, I am still giggling away! This post will surely stay with me for days! Do I have permission to re- blog this?

    How beautifully you write! More power to your pen and may your wit never lose it's edge! This is one delighted reader signing off. Kudos to you!

    Dagny

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    Replies
    1. Please go ahead Dagny. So so glad you enjoyed.

      Delete
  3. Hahaha! You outdid yourself with this Alka! Ans THAT is saying a lot :)

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  4. This was truly hilarious, Alka! Very neat! Hum sab yeda ban kar peda kha rahe hai. About Salman's movie, why does he bother making new movies? He should just repackage the old ones. After all his fans will make any repetitive bullshit he makes a hit? Chest sizes and governance. Dear God! Truly loved the wit.

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    Replies
    1. Thank you Rachna. You loved it because you are tuned in with all that is going around.
      The only way to channel our anger against misplaced priorities of the media is via writing.

      Delete
  5. Alka - What a wonderful read.. ! Giggles right through

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  6. Now, that's what I call a fantastic start to my Saturday. My stomach still aches from all the laughter. We've got everything in here, politics, bollywood, action, emotion, reaction, drama - Just sheer brilliance. Loved it. And as Dagny said, may your wit never lose it's edge!

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    Replies
    1. Thank you for the fantastic comment Sid.

      Delete
  7. At the risk of being brushed aside as nothing but one who, like the cop who cleaned Bhenji's shoes with his hankerchief his wife washed and ironed so dearly for him, warms up to expert writers, I am at your feet. Hoping, really hard actually, that one day I can produce something as witty, well-knit and well-written as this piece above. Who could have thought Rakhee's pan-cake would find mention in the same post as 'multiple-orgasms' ? Or even the hunky Salman standing next to navy-sweater Kejriwal?
    Oh dear, Alka. I do think this is one of the best posts of yours that I have read.

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    Replies
    1. Dearest Sakshi, you make me so happy. Misplaced priorities, derogatory comments and media circus, all made me so angry today that I just wrote this in one go. Luckily for me, it fell in place.
      Thank you.

      Delete
  8. Alka, this is wonderful. I'm sitting in office and giggling away. You made my day with this piece

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    Replies
    1. Ritu, your presence here is special for me. To be read and appreciated by you is every writer's dream.
      Thank you for sharing the link.

      Delete
  9. Awesome Alka! Seriously where are your feet :).... Such shambles the public affairs of this country are in no... So true, who needs Bollywood when we can get all the song and dance here!

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    Replies
    1. Common sweetheart. Thank you. I hold your writing in great esteem.

      Delete
  10. We are a nation of idiots. And if the reality wasn't so painful, it might have even been funny.
    I think we will all have a good laugh at the state of our nation when we laugh at it from heaven.
    Thanks for being such a mirror every week, Alka.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I picked the bit about Himesh from your FB thread. So thank you.
      You are so right. It was my anger that found a vent via wit in this piece.

      Delete
  11. Am I the only one to think of it in this way, but that accompanying picture of Himesh, it looks like an oversized head placed on a skinny body that will tumble any moment.

    Now, back to the post, I remember there used to be a puppet show on some news channel which went by the name 'The Great Indian Tamasha'. No wonder they knew what they were doing. I could almost visualize those puppets doing an act on this post. So, so, sarcastic.

    Wonderful read!

    Blasphemous Aesthete

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Anshul, apart from the politicians, the media too is indulging in The Great Indian Tamasha!
      :)

      Delete
  12. "The Home Minister calls Kejriwal, ‘Yeda’, the BJP distributes ‘Peda’ and the media creates a ‘Bakheda’." I can't help laugh out loud and it's 1:20 at night!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Glad to see you here Nabanita. Thank you.

      Delete
  13. Hilarious stuff Alka.
    Hats off to you to find such humor in all this mara-mari.

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    Replies
    1. Maara Maari, it is Indrani. Thank you.

      Delete
  14. This post is neither "Mental, Judgmental, Departmental, Sentimental or Accidental"! *Still laughing*

    And you have to be a Yeda to form a party from scratch and stand opposite the state's Chief Minister in the elections.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The media has happily joined the great pre election tamasha.
      Appalled by the topics they discuss in the newsrooms.

      Delete
  15. is that Himmesh Reshammiya???? 0_0!!!

    What a great Sunday read...news is getting so entertaining these days, I think just watching a little of news channels every day, can add the required dose of fun into a boring working day. Thanks to these super-intelligent yedas...oops!!!

    you know this guy Ravish from NDTV, me & hubby like watching his program, simply because he hosts it so well... I think you will write a great column on that!

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  16. Hahaha Good one!
    SMS (Sardar Manmohan Singh) in a way seems better in this context keeping all silent. :-) From Kejriwal to Shinde via Thackerey and Sawant and later to Reshamya and Rahul....liked the way you configured this one:-)
    Great writing...

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    Replies
    1. Thank you Prakash. Your presence here is encouraging.

      Delete
  17. Alka, three cheers for your sense of humour. This 'Yeda' 'Peda' and 'Bakheda' is exemplary!!

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  18. Good sense of humor! Lol have to see what happens in the upcoming elections!

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  19. I have no words to say how much i enjoyed this post-all else have already said it before me,it is truly a masterpiece.
    The media is going nuts over these netas,one would have thought the educated tribe would be different.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Your presence is encouraging Indu. So glad you liked this one.
      Thank you.

      Delete
    2. Aww come on,I love your writings though i have not read many.

      Delete
  20. The sound bytes will grow louder as the elections approach near! Most people now understand the capabilities of those in fray, Alka:)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Loud, Shrill, Dirty and Below the belt. But why give credence by discussing silly sound bites?
      The media needs to look within.

      Delete
  21. There is very little to talk of Hemadhbhai.
    Oh yes,in all,this the only person comes out a winner our own Rakhi.With the kind of characters joining politics,Rakhi will make a splendid (out) spokesperson for congress

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  22. burst into laughter in a big way. Hilarious. Your writing is a real stress-buster. Thank you for writing like this :))))

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  23. The first half of your post caused me to fall many times from my chair, on Tu Yeda, Tera Baap Yeda, Tera khaandaan Yeda AND Yeda, Peda or Bakheda, being the hardest falls. I am still digesting what all your supplied.. chewing in bits and laughing over it.

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    Replies
    1. Can anything be better than bringing a smile on your readers face? If this post made you laugh, it makes me very happy.

      Delete
  24. Haha :D laughing my head off. And also that retweet by Arvindji "moron murderer" ... TV is exciting these days :) Himesh and Rahul.... kya combo hai...

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  25. Haha. I needed to read this to cheer up :-). Politicians have started behaving like kids, name calling and all, and I think kids in school would be much behaved. As for your thought on people spending money trying to get a makeover and it not making any difference, so true. Only that those people dont realize it.

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    Replies
    1. Thank you Ashwini. Glad this cheered you. Keep smiling.

      Delete
  26. Hehe! Alka, this one perfectly sums the state of politics..howz bout Aad Aadmi Party dancing to the tune of Sheela or Munni Badnaam hui Darling Tere Liye!!!! This Yeda thing was very yeda, in fact and I wonder whether Modi, Rahul, Sonia, Arvind Kejriwal shd not be part of Big Boss a new season:)

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  27. Fantastic post... somehow missed it earlier.
    That Rahul/Himesh piece was simply out of this world. :-)

    ReplyDelete