Yours Seriously

They say, when a person cannot laugh at himself, it is time for others to laugh at him.  Some are serious by birth. Some victims of circumstances. And some get infected with age. Left untreated, the seriococci virus results in AWDS - Acquired Wit Deficiency Syndrome. People don't even realize how serious their life is, until someone asks them about their idea of fun. “Hain? Fun? Do I look like a kid?”

So, let’s end the hoopla, and cut to the chase. Here are some serious samples I have come across.

Serious Reader

I am sure it happens to you. Given that I dabble in humor and satire, it happens to me all the time.There you are writing a tongue-in-cheek piece, and suddenly wham, serious reactions begin to pour in from all directions. What is with people taking jokes seriously? So, even if the post is a funny take on Bappi Lahiri joining a political outfit, this is what I expect:

Annoyed Indian (seriously angry): The article shows that the writer is a thoughtless, brainless retard. What goes of her father if Bappi da wants to serve the nation?

Serious Gal: Annoyed Indian, you lack upbringing. You got paid to write this?

Annoyed Indian: Upbringing? Watta joke, are you from stone age lady?

Seriously Crazy Guy (refuses to read the article or the preceding comments): WTF? Bappi Da’s muzic is not a joke. It has soul, unlike that ‘Tere doggie ko mujpe bhonkne ka nai’.

Serious Gal(flexes her serious feminist muscles): Stone age? Doggie? Deep down every man is the same. Seems you got bashed by your wife. Serves you right.



What is obvious, is that emotions are amplified on electronic media. One reason could be that social networks are an ideal place to seek concurrence for your views without explaining the context. Moreover, we live in such fractured times that one man’s hero is another man’s villain. It doesn’t matter whether you are a right winger, a left winger or a moderate - the thin line between having opinions and being opinionated has blurred. And I am not talking about anonymous trolls here.

Serious Activists

Serious activists are so sensitive that they begin sanitizing the society by telling you how to think. While they profess respect for opponents, they want the opponents to curl up and die. They are so serious that they take freedom seriously. Freedom to resort to violence, freedom to abuse, freedom to shout, freedom to insult and freedom to poke their nose into everyone else’s business. Kuch bhi. After all, condition serious hai.

Drunk Serious

They are an adorable lot. Basically they are not serious. But after guzzling down a few pegs, the overflow of seriousness becomes seriously funny. I am sure you can identify with the following.
‘Kam**ne, shaadi kar li? Par voh to teri bhabhi thi re. Achcha chod, yeh mat samajh ki pee kay bol raha hoon. Main teri dil se izzat karta hoon be. Promise, pucca, kal se daru band. Serious.’

Serious Aunty

Let me share an anecdote here. I live on the tenth floor and the lady who is on the ninth floor of my apartment is always disgusted with something or the other. I dread her calls even if she calls to invite me for her granddaughter's birthday.

Aunty: What have you done?

Me: What happened?

Aunty (seriously angry): How can you be so careless? It ij hanging in my balkoney.

Me: (I rush out and see nothing but my bed cover hanging on the railing). What is hanging in your balcony?

Aunty: Your lawn-giri.

Me: Huh?

Aunty: Arre baba, your lacy stuff. It ij entangled in the tassels of your bed cover.  What if my husband saw it? Next time I find it dangling in my face, I am going to burn it.

Phew! Talk about bra-burning.

Finally, I come back to my favorite category - serious readers. They lurk around every nook and corner of the cyberspace. What if I publish this post on any website other than my blog? It will be an open game.  This is what I expect from anonymous readers.

Serious Nerd: Why do you even write? Even a ten year old can write better than this.

Argumentative Indian: Really? Who are you to judge her writing? A Booker Prize winner?

Selfish Netizen (serious about promotion, article be damned): The video you posted is really nice. Do visit my photography blog. www.sultrycheeks.cum

Serious Nerd(ignores the Selfish Nettie and gives it back to the Argumentative Indian): So you think only Booker Prize winners can write? Have you read Tagore? Or are you the Chetan Bhagat types?

Argumentative Indian: I guess u tried to crack JEE entrance but couldn’t. Right? Tsk, tsk.Go to mommy!

Serious Nerd: You think IIT-ians are God’s gift to mankind? Look what that ‘Muffler Topi Guy’ did to Delhi! Disgusting.

Selfish Netizen (serious about his own promotion): Hey, wassup? I am giving five packets of Gas Bhagao Churan free. Yes, free!!!Unbelievable isn’t it? Log on to www. gasbhagao.org. Order now. Follow me on twitter. 

Hell hath no fury like a person defending his state, caste, religion, sex or gender. The condition then becomes so serious that the AWDS infected patient lands straight in an ICU.
 Arrey baba, it is our work, and not ourselves, that we need to take seriously. Someone rightly said, dream as you'll live forever, live as you'll die today.
So how about munching that yummy caramel loaded Five Star lying in your refrigerator. 

This post is written for Indiblogger Cadbury Five Star contest - Condition Serious Hai.

Word of Mouth

Coffee pe Conversation?

When people around the country are excited about Modi Ji's ‘Chai pe charcha’ initiative, we in Gurgaon are thinking about other possibilities. How about Beer per Baat-Cheet, Golgappe per Gup-Shup or Coffee per Conversation?

There is something about food and drinks that connects people instinctively. All those who wish to win the heart of voters  can focus on this profound truth. The way to people’s vote is through the stomach. Sops and freebies don’t work with educated professionals. Communication over food does. Ask Arnab - he enters our living room around dinner time.

So those who wish to win elections can focus on the 'word of mouth'. Unfortunately, tea is not what excites Gurgaon-wallas. How about Beer per Baat-cheet? If there is wisdom in wine, there is freedom in beer. Imagine professionals, video conferencing with their leaders on a big screen installed in breweries across the city. Such sessions will enable people to interact uninhibitedly and ask questions they always wanted to ask. Like why do our roads crumble like cookies after a few months?  Why weren’t the sewer lines laid before the apartments were constructed? Why is garbage dumped along the roads?

But before you get all excited, there are flaws in this initiative. While the voters can drink beer, the representative cannot be seen enjoying any beverage other than tea, lemonade or lassi. Ignore the pepper spray incident, after all, there is something called public decorum, moral propriety and political etiquette. 
Moreover, Chai per Charcha and Beer per Kharcha.

Given that more women are registering as voters in Haryana, how about Chaat per Chit-Chat? Apart from being an innovative idea, there are other benefits too. This is where women can tell their representatives that after inflation, security is what bothers them the most. It can be a gainful session where women can say that simply changing the colour of the autos does not make any difference. Gurgaon may be the only city that has experimented with red, white, blue, pink, green and black autos. And yet public transport remains a woman’s worst nightmare. 

Those who are averse to the above ideas can always join in for Coffee per Conversation. Once people begin to flock,

representatives can perhaps throw in some cookies and croissants to discuss traffic management during peak hours. Contemplating a cup of Mocha or Latte, the voters will actively participate in politics. A truly participatory democracy! I tell you, this is the only way to counter the Muffler Man’s Mohalla Sabhas.

As no other city boasts of so many breweries, coffee shops and eateries per square kilometer, food connect is an idea that holds myriad possibilities for Gurgaon. The one thing that makes for good politics much like good food is the honesty with which it is presented. If you are honest about interacting with the electorate, we don’t mind a cuppa cappuccino.

Why this post? Well,we have to think of novel ways to engage with our representatives. The coming few months are the only time when our leaders will lend us an ear. After May, 2014, we will have to zip-up and shut-up.

 This article was originally published in the Times of India, Gurgaon Times dated 18-2-2014.

Remembering Enid Blyton

I seldom write guest posts. What if the host does not like my piece? What if his/her readership plummets after uploading my post? You get the drift? 

So when the author of Dagny Sol’s repute asked me to write for her lovely blog, I was nervous. Most of us who have read  Serenely Rapt know that Dagny’s poised, refined and lyrical prose is mesmerizing. There is magic in the way she writes and touches hearts. I am delighted to  share my childhood memories on Dagny's blog Serenely Rapt. An excerpt:

Like most, my initial memories are rooted in childhood. When parents indulged in an afternoon siesta, there were trees to climb, flower petals to be plucked (pass-fail, loves you – loves you not), butterflies to be chased and the garden to be investigated. For me, Enid Blyton novels were much more than tales of adventure. Growing up in a small town government bungalow, I was not only reading Enid Blyton stories, I was living them.
 Click Here To Read more

If you wish to experience the magic of Dagny's pen Read Here

Hasa To Phasa

First up, this is not a movie review. Well, not exactly. This piece is more about a role reversal we are witnessing in Bollywood movies. I saw ‘Hasee to Phasee’, starring Parineeti Chopra and Siddharth Malhotra, directed by Vinil Mathews. Here is the set up. Boy meets girl. Boy ends up marrying the girl’s nerdy sister. Yep, that’s it. According to a newspaper the movie is about science meeting sanskaar. That too.

Let’s first silence the critique in me to savor the best later. The title 'Hasee to Phasee' should in fact be 'Hasa to Phasa'. Stay with me and I will tell you why towards the end. The movie has several moments of displaced logic. Like why does Parineeti steal and lick toothpaste? If she can buy air tickets to China, she can surely buy tooth paste to silence her hunger pangs. Moreover, do depressed people steal clips, chocolates etc? I know logic is not Karan Johar’s forte, but I was counting on Anurag Kashyap who has co-produced the movie.

Since the movie is being touted as a rom-com, funny moments abound. As it happens, some gags click (Inspector Pradyuman and Daya act) but some fall flat (Anu Malick parody). It may be an age thing, but I am unable to digest all this running away from the marriage before the D-day. I doubt if today’s youngsters are so fickle. Plus the moth- eaten climax of running away in bridal attire has been done to death. This time around, it is not the bride but the groom who runs away.

Let’s talk about the positives.

The throbbing heart of the movie lies in a pleasant role reversal. First, Parineeti is not your quintessential heroine. She does all the guy things like hacking a computer, charging a car battery and brandishing no-nonsense advice. Parineeti is sassy but not a simpering siren. She doesn’t even turn into one towards the end like Deepika in ‘Yeh Jawaani Hai Deewani’. Unlike a conservative Deepika who was safe in her cocoon, Parineeti is a live-wire living on the edge. Even when the credits begin to roll, Parineeti is off to solve some legal hassles on foreign shores.

Parineeti is, we are told, a Chemical Engineer from Delhi IIT. So technically, the heroine has more grey cells than the hero who is a struggling event manager with weird business ideas. Second, in the mainstream images, you seldom see a hero, who tugs your heart strings. Sidharth is a caring emotional guy who tries to please everyone in the movie. It is endearing when he manages to bring Parineeti’s father out in the balcony so that she can catch a glimpse of her estranged father. When Parineeti asks him to break away from her own sister, he says, "It is not easy for me to break up. I am an emotional guy." Essentially,Sidharth Malhotra is here to stay – with or without his shirt. 

Significantly, it is the heroine who unabashedly  proposes and looks at Sidharth with puppy eyes. In one scene Sidharth is visibly uncomfortable with all the staring and asks her to look away. Clearly, ‘Hasa to Phasa’ and not ‘Hasee to Phasee’. Regardless, it is a simple sweet movie which displays refreshing role reversal.

I am not judging whether this role reversal is good or bad. You decide. All I am saying is that young directors are attacking stereotypes. What is heartening is that Bollywood is presenting deviations in such a palatable way that you gulp them without realizing what you ate. This candy floss is not pure sugar. It has nuts. And for this reason alone this movie should be applauded.

Picture:www.ibn.live.in

Bulls Eye

The search convoy hit the Rampur-Nainital highway. Timmy, the black Labrador lay back, curled on the floor of the white Maruti Gypsy. His counterpart, Jimmy, a bloodhound sniffer from UK, was attentive, ready to sniff out the bloody buffs. For Jimmy, this was new. He had sniffed drugs, dacoits, kidnappers and bombers. But buffaloes? Nah!

Regardless, this was a do-or-die mission. The top Boss’s chilling voice kept reverberating, “If you fail, you will be thrown in a pool infested with crocodiles.”

The Gypsy drove as fast as it could, spinning clouds of dust in the air. When the search party stopped in the outskirts of a sleepy village, the cops alighted along with their guns and walkie-talkies. Leading the search party, the sniffer dogs ran along the dirty dark tracks for what felt like forever.

Panting heavily, Timmy said, “Bro, this is a do-or-die mission.”
“What if we don’t find them?" growled Jimmy anxiously. “Who do you think stole the buffaloes?”
“Could be the opposition fellows," snarled Timmy. “I tell ya, they can stoop to any level.”
“Hmm. So, you think, they are in some park, hiding behind those monumental statues? Or maybe they are on their way to Gujarat.”
“Yep, possible. But how will we recognize the herd dude? They all look the same?
“No idea,” yapped Jimmy. “Never been on a buffalo trail.”

It was beyond midnight. The search convoy stopped for tea at a dingy dhaba. Before the tea arrived, the sleepy looking guy behind the counter fell dramatically on the feet of the policemen. “I hear you guys can find anyone. Please find Pappu who left for school but never returned,” begged the guy.
“Is Pappu a VIP? ”
“No,” the guy looked at the cops vacantly. "Pappu is my five year old son."

There was a loud burst of laughter. Disappointed, the guy went back behind the counter scratching his head. While the cops sipped tea, the sniffer dogs watched small black and white television placed on a rickety stool. The search operation was national news.
A news anchor with gelled hair and spectacles was shouting, “You ask me where was my channel, I ask you where was your conscience?”
“This is scary stuff,” growled Timmy softly. “Each time I see this anchor, I pee next to the nearest pole available.”

Suddenly Jimmy began barking excitedly, almost like the anchor in the television set. Instinctively, the cops ran towards the nearby fields.
There they were. All seven of them, frothing at the mouth, chewing cud and looking at the onlookers with their limpid innocent eyes.

Phew! It was like everyone received a fresh lease of life. The cops  fired celebratory gun shots in the air.
A relieved Timmy asked, “How did you do it? Did you sniff the reek of their dung? "
"Easy-peasy,"Jimmy growled, “The herd is wearing imported cologne. I guess, their owner bought it while on a foreign junket.” 

"It was not a foreign junket. Study tour tha stupid," Timmy barked happily.

Image Courtesy: www.indiatoday.in

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