Pick Up Lines

The trigger for writing this piece is a news snippet I read today. According to a UK based newspaper, George Clooney wooed his girlfriend Amal Alamuddin, by e-mailing flirty messages, including a message that said, ‘The world’s hottest man should meet the hottest human rights lawyer’. Which means that pick-up lines are not an exclusive preserve of teens and tweens. Being of incurably curious mind, I can’t stop but think what Diggs said when he was wooing a pretty journalist. ‘Mein Nahin Hum’. Or ‘Now that I’ve met you, I’ll cancel my shaadi.com account’.

If I go back in time,  the rules of wooing have changed dramatically. In the Bollywood obsession phase, much before the arrival of Facebook or Whatsapp, film songs did the job of pick-up lines admirably. Interested parties would send radio requests or hum a few lines commenting on the depth of those eyes, or the beauty of that lethal smile. In the absence of a virtual world, there was no choice but to muster enough courage and say, ‘Can we be friends?’ All the while protecting one cheek, and preparing to flee in case the girl decided to take off her sandals. Because prior to Facebook, friendship request actually meant, can we go on a date? In some cases it also meant, will you be my wife and the mother of my children?

Regardless, most women would agree that pick-up lines are tacky and cheesy. Any intelligent woman will hate that a man actually thought a pick up line would work on her. So why use pick-up lines?

The basic premise, I think is Hasee To Phasee. But a lot depends on who is saying what and where. The context. The setting. The chemistry. The intent. Introductory pick-up lines backfire unless the chemistry is already working. The ones with sexual tones are a big No-No. Expect one tight slap if you begin with a, 'Hello. Your place or mine?' 

Coming back to my favorite topic, the political seducers and seducee are ready for bed hopping. The BJP, I hear is wooing allies to boost the numbers in the Rajya Sabha. Since the top brass is busy placating egos, may I suggest some pick-up lines to woo alliance partners. Why, even their own sulking women folk can be manaoed with ‘Is it hot here or is it just you?’Sush Ji would be more than happy.

For AIDMK :

They say friendship starts with F. I think it starts with J.

For BJD:

I will never let you fall. Because I have a band-Aid for you.

For TMC:

You are like a candy bar. Half sweet, half nuts.

For BSP:

Baby, you shouldn’t get your statues erected. It’s messing with perfection.

(If the BJP get less than 200)

For AAP:

Your broom just swept me off my feet.

For RAAP( Rakhee Sawant’s Party - I am sure she is winning):

Baby, you are like Gillette. The best a man can get. 

Image Courtesy: Google Images

Summer Time

Good old days, they say, are nothing but a myth created by those who can't remember them anymore. I don’t think my memory is a cause for concern because I remember my kindergarten friends, even though I keep forgetting my relatives. Since we are talking good old days in the month of May, I am reminded of my childhood summer vacations.

Among the smaller pleasures of life when growing up was the time spent during summer holidays. Summer meant hill stations, vacations and relations. Summer also meant that laziness found respectability. Despite the excruciating heat, absence of power, and air conditioners - summer holidays of the eighties were good fun. Is it because we were kids? Because when we don’t feel the heat, we are either too happy or too young! Or is it because nostalgia comes dressed in wistful clothing? Perhaps remembrance has colored my memories with shades that never existed in the first place. Perhaps all of that, and more. 

Regardless, my summer holidays came marinated with the hope of relatives coming over for an extended period of stay. And relatives meant distant cousins, their cousins and even their neighbors. While mother fretted about extra hours in the kitchen, a visit by the grandparents or a visit to the grandparents, was a bonanza for us. Happiness rested neither in a new i Pad, nor in a touch phone but in the simple joys of meeting your favorite cousin. And chatting long after everyone had dozed off. Who among us didn’t enjoy those lazy hot afternoons?

And when parents indulged in afternoon siesta, it was time to indulge in forbidden activities. Conduct our own experiments. I remember pouring kerosene in the back yard water tank, and igniting it to check flammability. When mother woke up, she noticed that my right eyebrow was missing. Fortunately, the face remained unharmed. I did get an earful, but escaped spanking.

The evening activities of playing board games were a symbol for family unity, seeking somehow to signify that a family that spent holidays together stayed together. So whether it was dicing mangoes for dozen odd relatives, playing ludo with cousins or counting the number of fireflies on the Shisham tree - every activity brimmed with pleasure.

Back then, summers were more about passive learning without trying too hard. Even though there were music lessons, skating escapades and painting attempts, the absence of deadlines made sure that leisure reigned supreme. However, leisure activities for children in Gurgaon are not so leisurely anymore. The other day, my ten year old neighbor was fretting about not completing her story for a creative writing workshop. The girl's mother had enrolled her for etiquette and dining classes too. “Don’t worry,” I said. “It’s only a hobby class. You can complete the story next week.” 
“No, I have to finish it today,” she rued. “Otherwise, I won’t get my certificate.”

Living in a competitive digital world, it is not difficult to understand why the idea of creative leisure is unacceptable today. As we progressed, we realized that there is logic and purpose in everything. In a world where time is precious and competition aggressive, it is the extra edge that separates the winner from the second place. So children need to know more, and learn more in order to survive the competition. After all, winning is everything. At one time summer vacations were all about leisure, hobbies, visiting relatives and laid back fun. But today those ideas are too boring and old-fashioned to be considered. That laid-back world does not exist anymore. Not in Gurgaon. Bryan Adams knew when he sang:

Standin' on your mama's porch
You told me that it'd last forever
Oh, and when you held my hand
I knew that it was now or never
Those were the best days of my life

Oh, yeah.
Back in the summer of '69, oh.

 This is an edited version of the original article that was published in Gurgaon Times, The Times Of India, 8th May, 2014.

Dance India Dance

The world is watching our dance of demo-crazy. And I am not talking about Kevin Spacey doing the lungi dance at IIFA, or  John Travolta showing his signature steps with Priyanka Chopra. Across the country, people have put on their dancing shoes, and are swaying to the electoral beats. From hip-hop to salsa, from ballet to belly dancing, and from tango to twist – every move is synchronized by way of political symbolism.

Which is why Priyanka Gandhi is performing a solo ballet act, after her brother was unable to enthrall the audience. In sync with aggressive sound bites, her moves have captured the imagination of a hyperactive media obsessed with sensational dance forms.  Ironical how the media follows the first family like a love stricken puppy, but questions dynastic politics in their studios!

Meanwhile actor-politician Chiranjeevi was showing his pompous moves by jumping the queue at a polling station when a techie  politely told him to wait for his turn. The audience broke into a rapturous applause. And an embarrassed Chiranjeevi realized what the dance of democracy was all about.

 Another sixty-seven year old politician, known for his irrepressible tongue stunned everyone with his irrepressible, well, umm… twerking. His B-boying inspired such yuva josh, that his contemporaries are now taking classes on how to ‘jive with journos’. 
 Moving on, we know that AAP’s detests Modi ji”s aerial act in Adani’s aircraft, but wonder what they have to say about Modi Ji’s octogenarian mother alighting from an auto to cast her vote. It definitely takes two to tango, be it Ambani-Adani, or Rajnath-Modi, but Kejriwal takes this dance of demo-crazy to another level. Before showing his moves, he first asks the people, “Should I dance from here?” And regardless of the answer he breaks into a righteous step. Currently, he is swaying to the tunes of Chora Ganga Kinare Waala, of course, minus Zeenat Aman.

Since all his contemporaries were perfecting their dance moves, Farooq Saab took to the dance floor ‘Paso Doble’, Latin style. Playing the aggressive matador he said ‘those who vote for Modi should drown in the sea’. While we know that the red cloth was for the saffron brigade, I wonder if age has something to do with the fetish for this foot-in-mouth step. My doubts were quelled when a quiz master displayed his dirty moves by calling Modi a butcher of Gujarat. Now Derek is not a dancer, not anymore than Farooq is a belly dancer. So why did he dance like nobody’s watching? Perhaps he thought ABCD padh li bahut, ab karunga mein gandi baat.

Ever since Arun Jaitley announced his candidature from Amritsar, he is speaking Punjabi, doing bhangra and watching Luv Shuv Te Chicken Khurana. Don’t be surprised if you see him  gyrating to “I to go crazy ke jab vazde Punjabi wedding song”. Meanwhile Jayalalitha is quietly practicing her Rumba to beat Mamata at her own mercurial tandav. 

When the music reaches a crescendo and this dance fest culminates, we shall see a fusion performance by various artists. The winner might surprise us all. Regardless of who wins the trophy, choreographing a billion steps is going to be a daunting task. 

 Image Courtesy: AFP News