Same to Shame

Like Maggi, AAP is in a soup. Like Nestle, AAP is facing a crisis of credibility. Like Maggi, most of us loved AAP at some point in time. Even those who detest the political AAP, flirted with the activist AAP a few years ago. Hit by lead and law, both are in a middle class muddle.

Ever since AAP captured the fancy of our taste buds, it engaged in a battle with the Lieutenant Governor over what it sees as an encroachment of its turf. But to blame the Prime Minister for everything including fake degrees, wife beating, internal dissent, sanitation strike and overall failure to govern is as misleading as Maggi’s promise of being healthy. 

So where did the recipe go wrong? Well, in a hurry to take the two minute route to power, our Ghaziabad based Urban Gorilla ignored the safety standards by adding unhealthy elements like Jitendra Singh Tomar and discarding the relatively healthy ingredients like Prashant Bhushan and Yogendra Yadav. To make matters worse, Somnath Bharti’s wife accused him of being Somnath Marti, which led the consumers to believe that rogue elements were a part of the AAP tastemaker. So, even while the consumer demand stays, AAP is under the scanner like the banned noodles.

Is AAP a soft target as some economists like Gurcharan Das, believe Nestle is? Well, Arvind Kejriwal is not the first CM to be in power in Delhi, with a not so helpful Centre. Shiela Dikshit cooked her noodles well, maintaining healthy standards even when NDA was at the Centre. Like Nestle, Delhi CM should remember that he reached where he is on the basis of a massive mandate of trust. Like Nestle, blaming the rival brands for your own indiscretions does Kejriwal no good. Much like the Maggie slogan ‘Taste Bhi, Health Bhi’, AAP’s anti-corruption slogan sounds unpalatable when its ministers occupy positions of power on the basis of fake degrees.

The press statement that announced Nestle’s decision to withdraw their product was as vague as Manish Sisodia’s defense of Tomar’s alleged fake degrees. He insisted Tomar was innocent in the morning, but removed him from the shelf by the evening. That an antagonistic BJP is posing hurdles is as obvious as Kejriwal's stubborn, morally superior ego. In this Ajeeb Jung over transfers and appointments, the LG doesn't emerge smelling of roses either. But you can’t hide behind a shield of victim hood and continue to blame rivals.
 Barkha Dutt in an article on Maggi says, “Even if the lead detected is sourced back to ground water, as some have argued in defense of Nestle, why is it not their duty to first treat the water? Likewise, even if the Centre is creating hurdles, as most in the AAP argue, why is it not AAP’s duty to solve the issues amicably? At least move on the areas that are firmly in your jurisdiction.

Whatever the case, the Delhi CM must come good on his promises or we will have no choice but to believe that what is fast to cook is not good to eat. At least, not in politics. Needless to add that once you are thrown out, occupying the coveted market shelves becomes a painstaking affair. Unless you want to run away from the market. Again.

Dr. Fixit

My fiancée is pregnant. And I’ve been sleeping with her sister. She’s also pregnant. But I’m not ready for kids. Should I ditch them both?

Remember hiding a magazine in your shirt and reading the ‘Your Questions, Our Answers’ column in the privacy of your bathroom, when mummy was taking an afternoon nap? Since mummy wouldn’t tell, and since sanskari kids were not supposed to know anything about love or sex, this is how we grappled with adolescence. I am talking about the column where the magazine editor used to print one true story and imagine five other outrageous problems to create a sensational page in an otherwise staid magazine. But in spite of featuring all sorts of unrealistic sensationalist problems, the ‘Ask Me’ column was much more than a titillating page or a voyeuristic ride. 

Much like today, most problems were related to sex, infidelity, love and sexual health. At a time when there was no Sunny Leone, there was Dr. Prakash Kothari, a sexologist, God bless him, because month after month he told teenage boys that they were normal and that nothing was wrong with them. All in all, the ‘Ask the Expert’ column used to entertain and educate middle class India by virtue of being anonymous and handy. 

With the arrival of internet, Google became the new age agony aunt of the virtual world. While most advise columns were consigned to the dustbins of irrelevance, some survived. Like the HT column in the Sunday magazine called ‘Seriously Cyrus’. A lot of water must have flown under the bridge because a MTV VJ of our times is now an agony uncle.That he continues to make a ‘bakra’ of most problems is another story.

What’s most amusing is that folks who were known for everything else other than a stable family life like Ms Pooja Bedi used to dish out relationship advice. On second thoughts, it didn’t really matter because you don’t need a PhD in Psychology to answer, “I love a girl, but she married my best friend. What should I do?” Unless you want to tell the guy to murder her husband. No, seriously, what are the options when someone says, “My ex is getting married. Should I confess that I still love her?”

In a moment of pointless Bollywood abandon, “I suggest you wait till the wedding day. Hide behind the bushes and wait for the radiant bride to walk out with a garland in her hand. Wait for her to sit demurely with the groom. Wait for a few rounds around the fire. And just when she is about to begin the final round, come out in the open and say, “I still love you.” All will be well. Swear by Tanu weds Manu.

It is not difficult to understand why agony aunt columns are dying a slow death. In a world of instant gratification and banned two minute noodles, the idea of mailing your problem and waiting for a month for it to appear in print sounds silly, when you have your answers at the click of a button. Above all, who reads magazines? The last I picked one was at my dentists. I flipped pages but didn’t feel like reading at all. Who wants to read a magazine when the dentist is about to drill both - your tooth and your pocket?

So, if humor can soften the blows of life 'Seriously Cyrus' is just the right column where Uncle Cyrus tells us to laugh at problems. Most problems in life, they say are because of two reasons: we act without thinking or we keep thinking without acting. Read this.

YYY: I work for an American BPO. My boyfriend doesn't like me coming close to him; he says I cant control myself. Please help.

Uncle Cyrus: Wait, did you say you work for a BPO or you have BO (body odour)? See, the apple fell on Isaacbhai Newton ji's head. His head did not rise and hit the apple. If it did, it would be Reverse Law of Gravity.By now you must have deduced that your boyfriend is the problem and not you. So,tell him to grow up or go back to playing with toy trains.

 Ha! Easy! This is fun. I want to do this too. As long as I am not called an Agony aunt. How about a 'Relationship Expert'?