Wednesday, March 18, 2020

Sulk from Home

Of all the disasters that struck us in the aftermath of Covid-19 – grocery shortage, social distancing and work-from-home, I’m dreading the third. Work-from-home is an idea most envied after Anil Kapoor’s youthful looks and most anticipated after Salman Khan’s wedding. 
And yet, it is torture for someone who has always worked from home. No school, no office and no maid. Everyone in the family is going to work from home. As more and more condos contemplate cocooning themselves, I feel like Tom Hanks from Castaway. 

As it unfolds, maids have been asked to go on a paid leave. Karuna Go, Go Karuna. Mine rolled her eyes and shrugged, “Pata nahi upar wali Didi ko kya ho gaya hai. She never gave me a day off. Today she said don’t come unless I call you.” 

At first the idea of WFH seems as romantic as Nick and Priyanka's chemistry. Away from the stress and misery of travel, you have time to pursue hobbies, spend time with kids, bake and play board games. But after a few games of Monopoly, burnt cakes and Netflix, you itch to go out. Socialize. With doctors on the TV panel and no respect for religion and hate that binds us, TV debates have become boring too. How much Netflix can you watch? Why isn't Arnab shouting at the panel doctors?

Given the nice person that I’m, I don’t mean to scare you. But picture this. Your kids are screaming and jumping on the new couch, painting the walls with crayons and the husband hollers, “Control these demons, I’m on a call.” Not to worry because your boss on the other side is battling the same demons. 

Stick with me and I’ll tell you why this work from home scenario is not pumping up the sunshine for me. And I’m not alone. Anxious moms in my Facebook group have begun asking, “How to survive the partner in a WFH situation?” 
“Quarantine the husband”, made the most sense. 

At first it will feel like you are on a vacation. But after two days of waking up late, ruffling each other’s hair, you will dread the sight of your partner in pyjamas and T-shirt that says ‘Every man should get married, no man should go unpunished’. 

Then one fine day, when he looks at you with puppy eyes, know that he’s going to ask you for coffee and some snack to go with it. Again. But if you are on a call and she asks you to switch off the gas after the third whistle of the pressure cooker, all hell of equality can break lose. Can. Can is the key word. Of course, I don’t mean to scare you. 

After some deafening silence when you hear only the washing machine in the back ground, one of you will go for the broke and say, “WTF, I hate this freaking WFH.” 

Suddenly your computer screens frost as you move into separate rooms. Whether you have work or not, ensure you have Twitter to vent it out on China. Social media is cathartic that way. I do that everyday.

Come evening, you will try to make up as you can’t go out. Stuck with each other, things will cool down, depending on your ego and tolerance. Know that this is what’s going on behind every balcony with people singing songs, ‘Hum Honge Kamyaab’. 
Eventually, one of you will have to say sorry because some idiot in Wuhan slurped Bat soup. 
People are calling him a racist but I’m beginning to love Professor  of Orange Hair County, Donald Trump. If the West can make jokes about Delhi Belly after a few trips to the loo, I have the right to shout from my balcony, “Damn you Chinese Virus.” 

On a positive note, this too shall pass like Dabangg 3 and Love Aaj Kal 2. Hoping that our TV debates will soon go back to relevant issues like #Will RW boycott Ranveer Deepika’s upcoming movie  83? # How Tapsee Pannu gave a befitting reply to her trolls. 

Remember, I don't mean to scare you. 

Image courtesy free images from Shutter stock

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