Google Top Ten

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December is that time of the year when we huddle around a campfire of recollections to introspect and reflect. Because sometimes we never know what we did until it becomes a memory. Going by the media tradition of showing us the mirror, the ‘trending’ Google searches published in the Times of India tell us how we behaved in 2014. On the internet that is. The list includes various categories, shedding light on the topics that we looked up the most throughout the year, from news to gadgets to celebrities, among others. The findings of Google’s Year in Search indicate our growing interest in issues of national importance.

Most Searched Celebrity
1 Sunny Leone
2 Narendra Modi
3 Salman Khan
4 Katrina Kaif
5 Deepika Padukone
6 Alia Bhatt
7 Priyanka Chopra
8 Shah Rukh Khan
9 Poonam Pandey
10 Virat Kohli

“Despite Narendra Modi’s best efforts, India is still searching for Sunny Leone,” wrote The Financial Times, tongue partly in cheek. Given our admiration for sanskari women, Ms. Leone easily piped Priyanka Chopra, Alia Bhatt and Katrina Kaif to retain the number one crown. So what does this tell us? It tells us that the lady can inject testosterone into a dead rat. 
Our very own Modi ji is on the second pedestal – a jaw dropping phenomenon, because it is the first time a politician trumped Bollywood celebrities. When asked to react to this development, this is what people had to say.

Sanjay Jha: They must have typed the wrong year – 2002 instead of 2014.
Smriti Irani: We are going to celebrate this news as Prashansa Diwas (Popularity Day)in schools across the country. I have already issued a circular.
Rahul G: Bhaiyya Aapko Tay Karna Hai Ki Desh Ko Jodna Hai, Ya Todna Hai. I don't think women can be empowered if this goes on.
Digvijay Singh:  Next year it will be Rahul Ji.
Barkha Dutt: This is disturbing news.
Arnab Goswami: Most searched? I was the most watched. 
Salman Khursheed: Anyone can call Google and become the most searched personality.

Kejriwal: Sab Mile Hue Hai. BJP Waale, Google Waale Aur Ye Mr. Sunny Leone or whoever he is.
Robert: Are you serious? As long as those two pages of my file remain missing, I don’t care. 

Recent bonhomie aside,  Aamir Khan should be concerned as he is nowhere in the top ten. It hurts because bête noire Salman Khan remains the third most searched personality. SRK is there too. Worse, Poonam Pandey is at a respectable number nine, ahead of Indian cricket captain, Virat Kohli. The television media can cry hoarse about a certain cricket enthusiast’s indiscretions, but the biggest blow for cricket comes from the fact that kids in gali mohallas are singing ‘Lets Football’. 

Globally, apart from Jennifer Lawrence, we know who the most searched celebrity was. Because, barring those who live on the North Pole, most of us, including yours truly, typed ‘People’s magazine’, in the Google search box. Emerging fanny first with her well oiled lady lumps; Kim Kardashian is at number two in the list of most searched personality worldwide. 

Coming to the most searched terms across categories in India, is it any surprise that IRCTC bagged the crown? Because two things are not easy: finding life on Mars and booking train tickets on IRCTC; and there are days  when the first option is relatively easier. But we would be heartless if we gave all the credit to the popularity of Indian Railways. It is only fair that we give some credit to the alleged goat sacrifice in the previous year for a positive spin towards the fortune of Indian Railways. Apart from looking for IRCTC, Indians also searched for Flipkart which is at second position when it comes to the most searched terms. Expanding at a compound annual growth of 34%, e-commerce captured the imagination of Indians like never before. So, 2014 was about consumerism and internet penetration despite a sluggish economy.

OMG, look finally we have The Times of India at number ten as the most searched term. Our favorite daily continues to rule, for there is no reader without the Times of India and there is no Times of India without the reader. 

Laugh And Think

First make them laugh and then make them think.

Sarcasm, they say is the lowest form of wit. But satire, an indirect form of critique makes the point without offending, um, err...almost. A friend of mine masters the art of writing satire. Distinct from sarcasm, he is able to draw attention to the ridiculousness of the situation with his wit. Given our politicians, there is no dearth of ridiculous situations, is there? Also, given the thin skin of our politicians, satire works for writers like me who itch to direct their outrage towards more enjoyable form of critique. While most readers get the point, there are those who get offended. They are either too self-righteous, or too pompous, or too self-obsessed, or too angry, or too prissy. Or plain ignorant. There is little point in writing satire if you have to offer explanations to those who have Ms M Bannerjee's sense of humor. Or  Ms R Sawant's taste in literature.
Regardless, I am learning the nuances by writing more such wonderful articles, because I am a modest  person with much to be modest about.

The problem of self-righteousness, among other things, is not exclusive to India. Despite mastering the art of mocking without ridiculing (Saturday Night Live, The Daily Show), not everyone in the west is able to grab this genre. This reminds me of a recent example when internet humorist Jay Branscomb posted the following picture on Facebook with the caption: “Disgraceful photo of recreational hunter happily posing next to a triceratops he just slaughtered. Please share so the world can name and shame this despicable man.” 

These reactions will give you a glimpse of what I am saying.

“Steven Spielberg, I’m disappointed in you. I’m not watching any of your movies again ANIMAL KILLER.”
“Disgraceful. No wonder dinosaurs became extinct…He should be in prison.”
“I don’t care who he is, he should not have shot that animal.” 

Back home, when Alia Bhatt featured in a spoof called Genius of The Year, reactions to her spoof proved that appreciating comedy is not everyone’s cup of tea. 
 Going by the comments, the video was "all scripted...so she knew the answers. Alia is otherwise still dumb.”
One brainy soul said that the video "takes her stupidity to a whole new level”.
It is obvious that there is a huge demand for Brain Enlargement Therapy institutes in our country for those who are better never than late when it comes to spoofs or satire.

On a personal note, writing satire has its own drawbacks. The other day my mother called me for the nth time to know about what she wanted to cook or wear (I don’t remember). And I don’t remember what I said in a bout of irritation, but what I do remember is that she said: Writing satire is making you sarcastic. Her words stayed with me.
So I asked my son. “Granny thinks lampooning politicians has made me acerbic. Is it true?”
He shrugged. “Why don’t you ask dad?”
This boy should have joined politics, I tell you.
“Is writing satire reflecting in my communication?” I asked my husband. "Please be honest. Dinner shall be served regardless."
“Not always," he said. "Sometimes.”
Either these people don’t appreciate humor or this blog has made me a cynical person. I was not sure. Because I caught the father-son exchange smiles.

Today, on a Sunday morning, I presented myself with clinching evidence. When asked  how I was feeling after an uneasy night, I said, " I would say that I am feeling fine. But that would be a lie. " 

Mocking a situation, it seems, works beyond the confines of the family. Within the family, lampooning will NOT make anyone laugh. Or  think. 

Peace Prize

I deserve the peace prize.
It would take someone more than a little naive to think that I am talking about the Nobel. No, but I do deserve one. Stick with me and I’ll tell you why.
Many moons ago, I gave up driving after being terrorized by a truck driver. Ever since, the husband has been in the driver’s seat (strictly restricted to the car). He negotiates the traffic with the precision of a gymnast. More often than not, the ride is smooth - like a hot knife across a butter slab. Otherwise calm and solemn, the husband is a Gandhian until he encounters crazy traffic.While his driving is smooth, his mind is a mayhem. Because, once he is behind the wheels, he begins to ask weird questions. 

“Why can't people leave their phones while driving? Why do we have so many people on the roads? Look at the pathetic quality of human resource? How the hell can she come from the wrong side? Just because she is pretty? Is there something called ‘the right of way’? Tell me?” 
 There is nothing to tell. Since the answers elude me, I distract him by playing music and indulging in small talk. Honestly, nothing works. 

Flip the coin, and you have my son – the junior. Cool as a cucumber, he doesn’t get irked by the chaotic traffic. But his driving jolts every vertebra of my spinal cord. He could be humming casually when the car screeches next to a Maruti trailer and my heart pops up in my hands. It's not that he is reckless driver, heavens no. Despite having grown on a staple diet of car chasing video games, he respects the traffic lights and the traffic cops alike. And yet, his driving is like riding a carousel on Gurgaon’s crazy highways. 
So I am trapped in a dilemma: Should I go for a smooth drive with ear plugs, or a bumpy drive with dark glasses?

 My worst torment is to occupy the backseat, when the son is driving and the husband is next to him, on the front seat. That is when I become a serious contender for a peace prize.
Anticipating a lecture on pathetic human resource, the driver relies on music. As the trucks and trailers begin to threaten, the prompter embarks on his pet spiel. “Careful. Slow, slow. Avoid the truck. Look, speed breaker ahead.” 

Screeeech!!
Irked by the incessant prompting, the driver steps up the FM radio. Almost instinctively, the prompter reduces the volume and continues with the instructions. On the edge of the back seat, my job is to maintain peace and dissipate the tension  in novel ways.Who wants two sulking men at a family wedding?

So, this time we attended a wedding, I made sure my mother was on the front seat, next to my son who was driving. As in cards, a change of seat might do the trick, I thought. Holding hands, I took the back seat along with the husband. Each time, the speedometer kissed the family approved 70km/hr, I tried to distract the senior by indulging in inane talk. Looking ahead anxiously, he was strangely quiet. But the grip of his hand was an indicator of an approaching jolt. The granny, I am assuming had the ride of her life. Because today when I asked her to come along, she said she preferred a cab.

(This piece was originally published in Gurgaon Times, the Times Of India)