Know It Alls

At a social gathering that day, the trending topic was SRK and his infamous brawl at the cricket stadium. 

“SRK was not being a father, he was being a jerk,” said one.

 Rather ironically a gentleman  holding his drink commented, “Henceforth SRK should be called Bevda Khan.”

Flip the coin and the damnation turned to redemption.

“Give the guy a break. He acted as any father would,” remarked another .

 

I switched on the television and rather predictably a surfeit of opinions had crammed the news hour. Arnab had assembled his usual court of specialists to pronounce judgment. In fact his judgment was ready much before the discussion commenced. Those who agreed with him got a chance to speak their mind but those with divergent views were rebutted, rebuffed and even rebuked by judge Goswami. While the humor on social media was well taken (SRK did not insult the MCA or BCCI, he simply called them MC, BC…), the impetuous verdict pronouncements were immature. 

On another channel, Kirti Azad, in all his wisdom declared that the Wankhade brawl was a BCCI ploy to divert attention from the spot fixing scandal. Well, in that case I salute the ingenuity of the BCCI official who orchestrated the entire fiasco. If I meet the guy, I am willing to prostrate on the ground and salute the genius.

My question is, how many of us who passed judgment on the sorry episode where present when the fiasco happened? 
Are we sure that the star was high on alcohol?
How do we know who provoked whom? 
Did SRK actually misbehave with a female fan? 
Did he mishandle the guard or were his kids manhandled?
 No one is sure. But everyone has an opinion.

 I have been a victim of a private security guard’s high headed behavior . I wanted to shout at him. Unfortunately I was unable to raise the pitch  beyond a certain level. In that moment, I did try to remember all the abuses from ‘Delhi Belly’ and ‘Roadies’ but the freaking fury had clouded my memory. Meanwhile the other residents came and took the errant guard to task.

Having said that, I must add that IF the star was actually drunk in a public place, with the added responsibilities of a dozen odd kids, the brickbats were well deserved!

In any debate on television, condemnation or redemption should stem from conviction and factual knowledge. But does it always happen? Why are we so quick to pronounce verdicts? Is it because any controversy involving celebrities is our moment to snigger at the demigods of power? 

Come to think of it, IPL is all about money and opportunism; regional pride is a sham. Else why would dada play for Pune Warriors and Bollywood Bad-Shah bat for Kolkatta? I fail to understand how Dhoni, a Ranchi lad, has come to symbolize Deccan pride? Just because he donned a veshti (or was it a yellow lungi?) in an advertisement?

And as I write an American citizen  Zohal files a case against Luke, a RCB cricketer. Some say she is an 'easy catch' some say she is not 'wife material', some say she was used as a bait to malign RCB reputation...Who knows? What is probable is that she might get an offer from Mahesh Bhatt to star in Jism sequel...

Apart from sport, IPL has become a heady cocktail of booze, babes and bucks. Any entertainment event which thrives on big money attracts models, wannabes, fixers, rogue elements and powerful egos. Powerful egos invite drunken brawls. And juicy controversies.

May The Force Be With You

Fresh after being bitten by the writing bug, I approached a published author. “I have written some short stories, how can I publish them?” I had asked. He said, “Contact a publisher only when you have an edited manuscript worth 50,000 words. And remember there is no guarantee that your stories will be published.”

What!! 
Strain the neck and tire my fingers typing fifty thousand words, with the caveat that the herculean effort was likely to go waste?  For a person who revels in slumber land, it was too much to ask. You see, I am inherently blessed with lethargic bones. Idling is to me, like ogling is to Ranjeet.  

‘Forget it,” I would rather blog, I thought. “Why should any story or character confine me?” So I continued writing at my own pace and free will. A freebird!

Today morning, I realized that I have written more than hundred posts for my blog and another hundred odd articles for other web-sites and publications. No, I am not bragging.  But if my mathematics serves me right, with an average of five hundred words per post, I have surely crossed the dreaded fifty thousand word limit in less than two years. A book was possible.

With all due respect to genuine writers, we have to keep in mind that every middle class Indian who speaks the language is either busy writing a novel or dreams of writing one.  Engineering colleges have become a writer’s hub after an IIT-ian became a best-seller with his unpretentious unadorned prose. Critics called his prose pedestrian, but the masses lapped up his stories. With most celebrities writing books, the writing bug is in the air.  Don’t be surprised if Rakhee Sawant announces the launch of her tell-tale book with titillating torturous stories of her tiresome life. Ten bucks, she will write a book. Anybody?

Nevertheless, I have had fun venting ire, punching corrupt pollies, busting hypocrites, critiquing media and pouring my heart out on this blog.  Since I have been wandering in the blogosphere for some time, let me share some nuggets.

As in television and films there are two ways to gain popularity in blogosphere. The short-cut entails writing controversial articles which ridicule religion, culture or saints. Politician bashing will not get you anywhere. People do not wish to read about them. Instead the temple of democracy could pass a privilege motion against you .Or the income tax guys might drop in for a cup of coffee.

Write why Sachin’s hundred hundreds were a fluke. 

Dwell on reasons why Sachin or a Sourav should not get Bharat Ratna.  Convince people why Navjot Singh Sidhu deserves it more than anyone else. 

Play with words and convince people that Anu Malik’s shayari on Indian Idol surpasses Ghalib’s couplets.

Or else, say Katrina and Ms Leone are not sexy; they evoke sisterly feelings.

See how people flock to pelt stones. Then tweet like a sparrow in heat and Facebook as if Zuckerberg’s life depended on you. Blogdom is yours a la Madrasan. 

Party!!

If you want the long way home then write well, read other blogs, engage with your readers, be patient, blah, blah….... Hello? So gaye kya? Yes, it takes months and years to get sizable traffic even if you are good. The bright side is that even if you don’t get readers, you are sure to make wonderful friends. 

On to the critics! Jump with joy if you manage to get genuine critics. Respect opinions as blogosphere thrives in the cacophony of arguments.  Right now I need genuine critics just as Abhishek needs a hit.  If you are a critic, kindly let me know why my blog stats graph resembles the ECG of an Egyptian mummy.

What I have learnt is that  readers who neither comment nor blog and yet read my posts whenever they have time, are precious. Since my posts are often satirical, some serious readers  fail to get the humor. But thankfully most get it. More often than not, I write only when I strongly feel about some issue or an idea. And a dash of humour  helps.

Finally, a warning. If some perverts dissuade you with ‘ma-behen-ki’ flowery lingo or the English version of the ‘F’ variety,  ignore them. The spam takes care of them.

Welcome to the cathartic world of Blogosphere! May the (mass*acceleration) be with you.

Warning: It is addictive!

The Real Donor

Respected Sri Sri  Tiwari Ji,

Considering your age and the fact that the latter part of my letter might offend you, I start with utmost reverence.

Truly, we live in the ‘age of sleaze’. First, we hear salacious rumors regarding your alleged romps, then some vivid CDs emerge and finally this contentious paternity test.  I recently read that the courts have ordered to prick you with a needle or make you cough phlegm at the ripe old age of 85!  Sad indeed. Alas, our law does not believe in spreading universal love!

 Surely, it is not a crime to sow some wild oats across the length and breadth of the Hindi heartland. People with power and pelf do it all the time. After all, power itself is an aphrodisiac. On second thoughts, maybe, those who cannot perform at eighty-five are plain jealous and are spreading such canards. What say Sir?

Now take a deep breath and wipe that sweat of your forehead. I promise, I will refrain from narrating sick jokes like ‘Nar hai na nari hai, Narain Dutt Tiwari hai,’ because that will be a great contradiction for a man fighting a paternity suit. So let’s say that bed hopping tales were fabricated and the CDs were morphed or unauthentic. Political vendetta, you say. We do live in times where a tiny spy-cam is mightier than the sharpest sword. 

Let’s move beyond your enviable yet incredible performances to more ethical issues. Agreed, that personal life of any political personality is a private matter. Voyeuristic public has no right to peep in political bedrooms. Right? Wrong. Because you were not simply the chief minister for three terms but also the Governor of Andhra Pradesh which is a ceremonial post. Any ceremonial post is atop moral pedestal. Don’t you think that the dignity of post got somewhat maligned with your alleged canoodling with err… let’s call them women of lesser morals.

Even if bed hopping is a norm in the corridors of power and even if it happens all the time after corporate, filmi or IPL parties, Sir Ji, you had a lot of fun under the sheets at the expense of the tax-payer in sarkaari guest houses. Let’s not even talk about the alleged monetary favors in return for the sexual ones. 

Since you topped Allahabad University in Political Science, I am willing to disregard all the above salacious rumors.  I strongly condemn the leering janta who without any proof, on mere insinuations, enjoys sleaze while reputations crumble. Also it is not fair to point fingers when the authenticity of CDs is questionable. I would refrain from judging you on that too. 

But Sir Ji, what about the poor man called Rohit Shekhar? Surely, he deserves to know who his father is? A simple prick in your thick skin might enable the guy to send you ‘father’s day’ cards. Now don’t be offended, I simply said thick skin, for I saw you showing the V (victory sign, lest others get wild ideas) during the recent assembly elections. Pardon my double entendres but what did that V sign signify Mr Tiwari? 

Okay, you say that this gentleman Rohit is simply needling you to wheedle out some moolah. So, be it. Live up to the reputation of the ‘He-Man’ that you are. Go to the courts and prove that he is lying. Why the hesitance? Tiwari ji, be a good boy, show that V sign and brave that prick. Unless it pricks your conscience that is!

If you win, your 'V' gesture, will stand vindicated. But if you lose, Dr Chaddha from Daryaganj clinic might approach you for some samples.

Great Regards