UPswinger by Modi

Elections in India are quite like playing cricket, and quite as unpredictable. Winning a state requires a distinct strategy that is not facsimile of another when it comes to reading the pitch, planning a strategy, fielding the players and selecting a captain. It’s a team effort. 

With four wins in five state electoral matches, Captain Modi established his pole position in Uttar Pradesh and neighbouring Uttarakhand. His triple century against main rivals, Samajwadi Party, Congress and Bahujan Samaj Party was seen as a resounding ‘Modi wave’ that swept the Hindi heartland. Barring one loss in Punjab to the Congress led Captain Amrinder Singh, the BJP also managed to steal a last over victory by outmaneuvering rivals in Goa and Manipur. With an incredible win of over 406 of the 690 seats on offer, they can now hope to win 2019 National Cup under the hawk eyed guidance of coach Amit Shah. 

Match Strategy

In UP, they say, people don’t cast their votes, they vote their caste. But if this was entirely true, Dalit centric Bahujan Samaj Party and Jat centric Rashtriya Lok Dal would not stare at political obsolescence. Which brings us to the moot question: emerging from a defeat in Bihar and Delhi and the aftermath of demonetization googly, how did Narendra Modi register such a spectacular sweep? 

What the media did not tell us was being planned for over more than a year by the coach, Amit Shah. There was organisational restructuring, an offer of primary BJP membership to potential workers, youth mobilisation,  canny ticket distribution and effective use of social media including more than ten thousand WhatsApp groups. The net practice under the Hindutva umbrella included hundreds of nukkad meetings (street plays), parivartan yatras, youth conferences, Swabhiman conferences (for SC/ST), traders meetings, motorcycle rallies and Kamal Melas.

The speedy implementation of welfare schemes like Ujjawala which aimed at providing free LPG connection to 5 crore BPL households, Jan Dhan accounts, insurance at a premium as low as Rs 12, promises of farm loan waiver and interest free loans struck a chord with rural voters. The overall strategy was to woo the middle class by development and the poor by financial inclusion. Poverty, after all, has no caste or religion. 

Finally, demonetisation and surgical strikes portrayed PM Modi as a decisive captain who was playing aggressively against corruption. The jury is out on the merits of demonetization, but politics is all about perception. When people feel that their leader is fighting for them, data and numbers are rendered useless. While PM Modi was seen as a visionary who played risky shots, the fragmented opposition came across as defensive team of opportunistic players. 

Why Rival Teams Were Stumped

In all fairness, it is easy to be wise after an event, or a match. Truth is, no political observer could envisage this TsuNaMo in the absence of a Chief Minister’s face. As for Akhilesh Yadav, anti-incumbency, deteriorating law and order, fast turning UP wicket, in-fighting between his team players and running between the wickets with a tentative Rahul Gandhi ensured that SP was on the back foot. You can not sing '27 Saal UP Behaal' one day and 'UP Ko Ye Saath Pasand Hai,' the following day.  People are not idiots. As for Behenji, with her traditional Dalit vote bank deserting her, Mayawati was stumped by the EVMs – the educated voting middle class.

We all know that if team Congress wants to contest the 2019 Cup, they have to re-invent, strategize, and look for captains who play shots according to incoming balls and not anti-Modi shots on every ball. As Ricky Ponting says, “Every batsman surveys the field before taking the strike and the fielders get imprinted on his mind. But in my head, I only see the gaps.” The Congress Party has to look for those gaps. Renting causes, jumping from one campus to another and disrupting matches is unlikely to register wins. Taking a cheeky run, the Congress Cricket Club is looking like an old bra – no cups and hardly any support.😉

As for AAP, a much hyped team in this series turned out to be a damp squib. In their hurry to go pan-India, AAPs attempts to win Punjab fizzled out with Bhagwant Mann out on a duck and a team collapse in Goa. The silver lining for a relatively young AAP is that they managed enough seats to sit as the main opposition in the Punjab state assembly. 

Despite all the euphoria over the Captain Modi’s knock, it cannot be denied that anti-incumbency provided a tail wind to the UPswing. The truth is that anti-incumbency cuts both ways. If SP was at the receiving end in UP, it was Akali Dal-BJP in Punjab and in Goa.

Matches Ahead

After his 4-5 sweep, striking a note of inclusiveness, Captain Modi said that the five states win would lay the foundation of a new India by 2022. But a week later, the appointment of Yogi Adityanath, a hardliner UP CM surprised many who cheered for team Modi’s development agenda. Little surprise that Modi’s message of ‘Sabka saath, Sabka Vikas’ was overshadowed by overt Hindutva push. One hopes that all sections of society will represent team UP and that development, not polarisation shall remain the driving force.

On the political pitch, the UPswinger will provide Modi the courage to go for some unpalatable reforms, roll out the GST and perhaps bat for Uniform Civil Code. The increase in Rajya Sabha numbers will brighten their chances of choosing their ICC Chairman, I mean, the President of India. 

Even though it is likely that the BJP will add more states in its kitty, it would be premature to grant them the 2019 Cup. Jobless growth, education and health in shambles, and a sluggish economy are huge challenges. While inflation and corruption are in control, government policies have failed to provide employment. If villages are facing rural distress, cities are facing large scale lay-offs. The global environment is not helping either. 

Regardles, the opposition teams might go for all-except-BJP teams pan India. Given that most batsmen from challenging teams are facing serious injuries, Modi is likely to lift the 2019 Cup. Moreover, its not Modi they have to defeat, its the people they have to win. Win people to win elections.
But like cricket, the only thing predictable in elections is the unpredictability. The matches are more than hundred weeks away. And a week, they say, is a long time in politics.

Bachelor Boys

Back in 1963, when Cliff Richards sang, ‘Son, you’ll be a bachelor boy and that’s the way to stay,’ he didn’t know that he was singing for the Indian political album, 2016. Whether it is Jayalalitha or Mamata, being ‘single’ is a killer qualification. With Assam Chief Minister, Sarbananda Sonowal joining the bachelor brigade, the political dividends of having a spouse are diminishing. So much that Nitish Kumar is now hoping to say, ‘I Do’ when it comes to tying a knot with the Prime Minister’s office. After all, being the quintessential Kumar, Nitish does have the requisite qualification.

A politician, they say, should be born an orphan and die a bachelor. But worldwide, people prefer a family man as their leader. When it comes to electing a President in the United States, the stature of the First Lady remains a topic of debate. A recent satirical cartoon captioned ‘Make the First Lady Great Again’ portrayed Michelle Obama as angry and masculine, and Melania Trump as feminine and attractive. While the cartoonist received flak for his sexist portrayal, he forgot that the First Spouse of the United States could very well be a man! Nonetheless, first spouses in most countries are political celebrities.

Closer home, in a country where Karan Johar’s films are successful because ‘it’s all about loving your family’, a politician is successful because he is bereft of a family. Bollywood gave us a glimpse of how having a spouse is a shortcoming in Aandhi. Remember how Suchitra Sen (Aarti Devi) tried to hide her marital status fearing an electoral defeat? Yes, since ages, our neta log have treated their ‘single but refuse to mingle’ status as a virtue. Much of India has moved on, but politicians remain forever betrothed to the nation. And don’t even mention romance! It is as alien to them as giving birth is to a man.

We have had many single champs from Atal Bihari Vajpayee who is considered a favorite non-Congress Prime Minister to late Abdul Kalam who was an all time favorite President, from Naveen Patnaik who has never lost an election to Nitish Kumar who is said to be ‘Sushashan Babu’ in alleged Jungle Raj! Other single champs like Prime Minister Modi and Vasundhara Raje tread cautiously across the marital minefield.

But wait. Going by the logic, shouldn’t RaGa be the only song playing in a loop? Electoral defeats aside, Rahul Gandhi’s bachelor appeal reaps zero political dividends. Having lost the initial connect with the people, dynasty has become a millstone around his neck. Moreover, when you treat dynasty as royalty with obsequious party men signing loyalty bonds, succession on the basis of birth becomes tenuous. Alas, there is little point in sermonizing. Any advice will land in the dustbin because the dynasty retreats into the comfort zone of the predictable at the first suggestion of giving up the remote.

This is, however, not to say that political dynasties are dead. Even though Lalu Prasad’s sons continue to flourish, the aspirational Indian wants politics of merit over politics of privilege. About time too. No longer can a neta demand votes - he has to earn them. Little surprise, then, that the family party DMK was rebuffed when papa Karunanidhi tried to foist his lad, Stalin. For the people of Tamil Nadu, Jayalalitha was the ‘suitable girl’. When Tarun Gogoi tried to impose his DNA, people went ahead and garlanded a ‘suitable boy’, Sonowal. Dressed in a crumpled sari and chappals, Bachelorette Mamata crushed anti-incumbency with focus on rural development and PDS schemes. And even as electoral cards are being printed in UP, it will be interesting to see if the Hindi heartland will embrace the Saifai son, Akhilesh, or the Ganj girl, Mayawati.

All said, when it comes to electing a leader, we prefer a tie that binds with the people and not a tie that binds with the spouse. Whoever said, ‘No life without wife’ never stood for an Indian election. A true Indian politician remains a bachelor boy until his dying day. Because that’s the way to stay.

Image from Here

In a Pickle

Image Courtesy: Here

Also on the Huffington Post

Having attended several social events this month, I can safely surmise that most gup-shup veers towards two topics. Politics and food. More often than not, it begins with cocktails and food and ends up with Kejriwal and Modi. Given that food and politics hold a visceral grip on our imagination, it is interesting to note how we perceive our political chefs. Because politics is all about perception. Some will love you. Some will hate you. They will binge and purge. But you will always be on their mind.

In Delhi, master chef Arvind mastered the art of cooking for the common man, sunny side up. The pleasure you derive from his cooking is directly proportional to your tolerance for street food. Even as I write, he is cooking Hyderabadi biryani over an unfortunate incident. On odd days, when he says, “Pradhanmantri Ji, please humein kaam karne dijiye,” he is as syrupy as Aam Ras. And on even days, when he decides to spice things up, he is as tangy as Aam Panna. This week, when the High Court rapped the CBI, the BJP had to eat a humble pie for raiding his kitchen. And the jury is out on whether his odd-even recipe served the purpose, but Delhi roads definitely felt as clean as my tummy after one ripe papaya. Regardless, the man is one halwa cook, I mean one helluva cook who just can’t do without fail-ao-ing raita over Modi. 

In Bihar, Nitish Kumar government decided to impose 13.5% value added tax on sweets, kachoris, bhujiya, namkeen and samosa. Seriously? Tax on samosa tells us that memory can be bitingly alien when it comes to Lalu because in his own words Aloo and Laloo were inseparable at one time. Given that samosa-kachori are staple snack items in Bihar, collecting revenue from poor man’s luxury will reap negative political dividends. But who cares? Having won the Masterchef Bihar, Nitish can play with his recipes and ignore the perception of Rabri Raj.

Rahul, the princely cook bereft of his kitchen kingdom was back after pumping iron in Europe. It’s obvious that what his mother thinks of as a seven course Italian meal, Rahul thinks of as an instant pizza. He continues to jump from fire to the fire pan with his ham-handed actions to save his bacon. And the perception about his abundant grey cells lands him in a soup each time he addresses an audience.

Modi, meanwhile is cooking several schemes on the slow fire of a sluggish economy. No one knows when or how the dishes will turn out. In the politics of perception, NaMo is no longer a poor chaiwala, the outsider, or the underdog he was in 2014. It appears as if he breaks bread with buddy Barack and enjoys kheer with Nawaz even as Pakistan continues to scald us with homemade terror broth. Despite his savory schemes like crop insurance and Jan-Dhan yojana, Dal price, Dollar rise and Dalit voice continues to be his nemesis.

With China’s slowdown, the world economy is in Manchow soup. Unless Modi tickles the common man’s palate by addressing bread and butter issues, people will perceive him as someone who wanted to cook right but was unable to spice up the economy with his brand of Aji-Namo-To. As of now, we are in a pickle, stewing in sluggish domestic juice. Perhaps the Chinese fortune cookie can tell what the future holds.

No More Play

News: Playboy, the iconic purveyor of female anatomy tucked between epic interviews and investigative features, decided to can its famed nude photographs. The magazine that once interviewed Jawahar Lal Nehru is giving up its nudity cachet because public has easy access to smut on the internet. It makes no sense to flog the female anatomy in print. The internet is doing the job admirably.Moreover, with teenage boys transitioning straight into adulthood, dudes don't need nudes.

Reaction: On the Buck Stops Here, Ms Dutt conducted a debate on the rise in objectification of women where ten Bollywood directors returned their Manikchand Filmfare awards. Rajdeep traveled to the Hefner Mansion to ask if the reader will now read Playboy for news, and if this is what Achey Din was all about. Arnab invited Pakistan Army veterans to debate if this clean up act by Playboy was a publicity stunt. Some nationalists went door-to-door to smear ink on everyone at home who was watching Pak panelists on TimesNow. It was a mark of respect for our soldiers, they said. Since media decides what we debate, our  leaders also commented on this landmark event.

RG: Bhaiya, magazines Kiske Liye Hoti Hai? Unke Liye Jo Suit Boot Pehente Hai. Poor people don’t need magazines - they use their imagination. Ye opposition wale are saying that Nehru ji gave an interview to Playboy in October 1963 issue. Why, even Steve Jobs gave an interview to this magazine. My grandfather never gave a formal-sit-down - his views were collated from several speeches. I don’t believe in formal interviews after I gave one to that nude, err, dude who you call India’s conscience keeper. Since this government assumed power, there has been a rise in dirty magazines. People are reading them and killing each other. Pradhanmantri Ki Baat Mein Vazan Hona Chaiye. Why doesn’t our PM speak on this issue?

NM: Mitron, I want to tell you that the decision to do away with dirty pictures is a part of our Swach Bharat campaign. Our Goa government in 2013 had already rejected Playboy’s proposal to open a beach bar. My good friend, Playboy CEO Scott Flanders said, “Ever since we got rid of nudity on our website in August, traffic has quadrupled.”  Mitron, 62 years after the first issue came out, I managed to stop the nudes. I also suggested Scott to visit the temple Mark visited and look, his sales quadrupled. Aap Bataiye Ki Ye Band Hona Chahiye Tha Ya Nahin? When I go abroad, the whole world comes to meet me. Why? Not because of me. But because of Sawa Sau Crore Bharitya who do not believe in any state of undress. Tell me, why should one brand rake in more than one billion dollars in revenues annually? We believe in Sabka Saath, Sabka Vikas. All magazines should get equal opportunity. Main Aap Se Poochta Hoon, Bataiye, Ye Band Hona Chaiye Ya Nahin? (Orgasmic crowd screams, yes, yes, yes). Let them clean up, if needed, we will Make in India.

AK: Doston, the magazine’s editor Cory Jones says, “The decision to dispense with nudity has disappointed the 12 year old in current me.” I will make sure that the 12 year old in Cory is not disappointed as a result of centre’s policy. I’ve always been a fan of this magazine since my IIT days. We’ve grown up on its in-depth interviews . After the forthcoming Bihar erections, err, elections, I will invite Hugh Hefner ji to publish whatever he wants in Delhi. After all, Delhi is the  pure and pious capital of India according to Google trends. If the center cannot, I will provide every opportunity to a magazine that revolutionized engineering colleges. But, hum bhrashtachar bardasht nahi karenge. If any minister is caught taking money for publishing nude pictures, I will sack him on live TV along with the live visuals of what he was doing with the magazine. 

MY: What is the point of a clean Playboy? Boys will be boys. Those who do not have access to internet also deserve vicarious thrill. I’ll ask my minister to raise this issue at the UN.

SY: Kisne Mahila Ka Body Nahin Dekha Hai? Sabne Dekha Hai, then what is the problem?

Fasten Your SeatBelt

Holiday season is here. Monaco beckons. Dubai dazzles. But with rising ticket prices my dream of flying just made a crash landing. So, I sit back in my heated cockpit in Gurgaon, brood over my boring life, and wonder about Modi’s foreign trip, RaGa’s Bangkok sojourn and Sonam’s Cannes rendezvous.

It all began when Captain NaMo landed in South Korea without the tail wind of the mainstream media. His Modiluft was cruising comfortably until he strayed off the trajectory and went on a bragging trip. The adulation of emotional NRIs chanting NaMo, Namo, created such turbulence that the love for his own voice awakened the patriotic Indian among Modi’s detractors. Suddenly, everyone writing SAT and GMAT became a proud Indian on Twitter. Well, in Modi we have an able pilot. I only hope Captain NaMo knows that the fuel in the tank is limited. And gravity is universal.

So while NaMo was flying high, RaGa gained groundspeed on the Amethi runway. The smartest thing RaGa’s flight handlers did was to cloud his 56 day mysterious disappearance from the radar. Only a Black box can tell us what he did, where he stayed and what he wore (a suit, boot? shorts?) while in Bangkok. I can’t deny that there was some relief in watching RaGa sweat it out in dusty hinterland with a dozen farmers clapping even before he spoke. After the recent mid air crash of the Food Park flight one gets a feeling that the frequent pilot errors are likely to ground the Congress airline unless they stick to politically profitable routes.

Summer is also that time of the year when Bollywood beauties line up the international runway at Cannes. Being human, it seems is not as important as being Anil Kapoor’s daughter when you become relevant for five days every year. At the 68th Cannes film festival, fashionista Sonam Kapoor’s sortie suffered a bird hit when she appeared in an Elie Saab feathery gown resembling an ostrich draped in Maggie noodles. In contrast, the alleged repeat offender, someone who according to Sonam was “an aunty from another generation”, Aishwarya Rai stunned the fashion runway two decades after winning the Miss World crown in 1994. 

While I died a little watching all the high fliers, I enjoyed Meri Jung being played in Delhi. Trust pilot Kejriwal to entertain us with his anarchic sorties on the Delhi runway. Belted on his seat, Captain Kejriwal fought with the co-pilot, locked the cabin crew and landed at the President’s doorstep. With passing time, Kejriwal resembles a disgruntled flier who creates fuss each time the airhostess takes time to respond. Plus the penchant of flying his low cost airline into the crash is a sign for Delhi-ites to trust the captain, but keep the seat belt fastened. Wonder why the politically savvy Delhi-ite didn’t anticipate turbulence with Kejriwal as the pilot and the BJP as the air traffic controller?

Anyway, since I can’t visit foreign shores, I derive comfort from the fact that it is always better to be on the ground wishing you were up in the air, than being up in the air wishing you were on the ground. Right? 

Image Coutesy: Here

The Tie That Wasn't

Dear Karan Thapar,

This letter is in response to your article in The Hindustan Times, ‘The Rules of Dress Diplomacy Should Apply to Mr Modi too’ where, in all your wisdom, you analyze Mr. Modi’s Europe visit and question ‘What has Mr. Modi got against ties?’ With Mr. Rahul Gandhi calling the government ‘Suit-Boot Ki Sarkaar’ and your article saying that Modi is not suited booted enough, I find myself in a dilemma.

Just when I thought that the Louis Vuitton shawl controversy was an unintentional goof-up by your colleague, your critique, ‘Is it okay for the Prime Minister to dress ‘inappropriately’?’ makes me pen this letter.

To an observer who has no political axe to grind, you seem to be living up to the image of a ‘Devil’s Advocate’. The absence of a neck tie is all you could find fault with? Is this because Mr. Modi is leaving no scope for meaningful criticism on his foreign policy? I doubt it. From an objective unbiased prism, clearly that is not the case. So why the needless nit-picking?

With none other than President Obama heaping accolades on Modi’s capabilities as a leader, it would appear that there aren’t enough opportunities for his detractor’s to review Modi’s foreign policy. This is not to say that Modi should not be critiqued for his shortcomings. In the absence of a credible opposition, Modi should, in fact be made aware of his inadequacies in larger national interest. Question him on the delay in ‘Achche Din’, grill him about the economy, denounce him for rabble rousing voices, but to lament the absence of neck-ties or to hallucinate about the Louis Vuitton shawl does not reflect well on the quality of the critique.

According to you, "It’s international convention and practice to dress formally on such occasions. All over the world that means a suit and a tie….To defy that dress code suggests either ignorance or indifference to a convention that is universally considered suitable. It could also imply a certain disdain for your hosts, who have meticulously observed the code." Notwithstanding the flaws in your frivolous critique, even if we assume that you are justified in finding fault with the absence of neck ties, I don’t remember you asking similar questions to Dr. Manmohan Singh who seldom wore neck ties. Likewise, we should expect Mrs.Sonia Gandhi  to dress in a business suit like Angela Merkel when she visits Germany. Anything less than a business suit could signify disdain for the host, ‘eccentricity’ and deemed ‘inappropriate’, right? Moreover, if PM's hosts werent offended, why should we 'tie' ourselves in knots over something as inconsequential as a necktie?
It's ironical that a comment on Prime Minister Modi’s sartorial choices comes from someone who is perhaps the only television anchor to dress in a bow tie in what is seen as a colonial hangover by most Indians. Clearly, there is an obsession with the ‘tie’ whether it is a neck tie or a bow tie.
Finally, when you conclude your article by saying, "Mr Modi can be as eccentric as he wants," the banality of your critique becomes obvious. We expect reputed journalists to raise the bar above neck-ties, shawls and suits. Attaching unfairness to disapproval is the not-so-desirable art of analyzing a foreign visit of any Prime Minister.

Best 

This article is originally in Opindia.com

Monkey Business

Once upon a time there were two big cats. Sworn enemies, they fought over the domination of different areas of the jungle. With his discerning eye and a nuanced pen, the monkey revealed the real character of the cats. Going by the script, he talked about the unobserved cruelties and exploitation of the animals by voicing their concern. In the days that passed, the animals looked up to the monkey for channeling their angst. As a result, several endemic monkey species flourished and multiplied.

Realizing the simian power, some cats began to nurture personal monkeys. Feeding morsels and purring secretly, the cats began to monkey around. Soon, the monkeys began to bell the cats. There were no established rules of owning a monkey. Amid all the back scratching and surrogate monkey ownership, the aging print monkey was losing out to the more invasive and aggressive electronic monkey. To be fair, the pen wielding monkey used to tell stories of injustice but not with the same sense panache as the electronic monkey. The electronic breed was able to sell any issue that had the potential to sell - sleaze, murder, corruption. As a result, the electronic cousins created an atmosphere where the demand for discontent ensured that the simians thrived, even if the cats were bruised occasionally.


Every evening around dinner time, an emboldened electronic monkey would sit on a tree branch and make a monkey out of the cats. He would pick one stray comment coming from the cat brigade, usually the most controversial to raise the adrenalin level of the jungle. Every second tree had one mischievous monkey telling a sensational story 24/7. If the cats from the neighboring jungle threatened, the monkey troops would raise shrill decibels, creating a war like situation. Around midnight, the entire jungle was abuzz with ‘Who Said What’ instead of ‘Who Did What’.

 Initially, the animals were complicit, for sensationalism is a shared pleasure. But when the monkeys refused to look in the mirror, the jungle began to see through the charade. Some mischievous ones would invite kooky characters, perch them on high branches and allow them to polarize the jungle by talking about competitive copulation. Not the ones to apologize for their mistakes, some electronic monkey’s fell in love with their own voice. “Look at me," they would screech."I’m the best.”

Meanwhile, a new breed of digital monkeys arrived from the jungles in the far west. While some chirped like birds, others provided free information with their impromptu antics. Feeling the heat, the aging print troops tried to use the digital creatures to their advantage.Some smart cats also tamed the digital brigade to consolidate their following. Given that the Primate Council was dominated by the simians and big cats, a largely unsupervised monkey troops were now interpreting situations in such a manner where the symbolic trumped the substantial.  

So who controlled the simians? Well, no one. Except that the impetuous digital brigade kept the erring troops on their toes. In an attempt to preserve the simian freedom and yet hold a mirror, the  digital apes acted as watch-monkeys. 

What happened to the cats you ask? Well, the cats have nine lives goes the feline dictum. They don’t come to an end unless the end comes to them. The cat fights continued. The latest round was to be fought over the central jungle area between a powerful cat and a new anarchist cat. And the monkeys were busy monkeying around.

By Another Name

Elections come marinated with hope. And promises. Sometimes, rather irrationally, they also come with a renaming spree. During a discussion in Parliament on the National Capital of Delhi Laws (Special Provisions) Second (Amendment) Bill, Venkiah Naidu, our urban development minister said, “Sometimes I feel, instead of Delhi, it should have been either Indraprastha or Hastinapur. Some such historical name should have been more appropriate for this city.” We do not know if this idea is a consequence of the voter obsession phase prior to Delhi elections or a part of some arcane agenda, but what we know is that renaming cities is unlikely to yield positive political dividends. Who else but Mayawati can tell, albeit privately, that cosmetic changes do little to sway the voters. Regardless, our leaders continue to look at cities through an electoral prism. Moreover playing politics with culture and heritage is a dangerous game. And yet, it seems to be a favorite game being played around.

If Shanghai is a girl, and London a man puffing his pipe, Delhi is a feisty woman who goes to work despite being harassed, leered, molested or attacked with acid. A symbol of pluralistic society, she needs safety and avenues for growth to fulfill her global aspirations. Cosmetic changes without any rhyme or reason mean nothing for a city that by any other name shall continue to appear culturally resplendent and contemporary at the same time.

According to a book, ‘Ancient Delhi’, the earliest reference of ‘Dhillika’ as a location comes from a 12th century inscription from Bijolia, Rajasthan. In Prithviraj Raso, ‘Dhilli’ is associated with a Rajput king and an iron pillar in Mehrauli. This 12th century legend suggests that modern Delhi was named after the loose base of this pillar. There are other unverified legends relating to rulers of Delhi and its surrounding regions. Given that different cities of Delhi were raised by different rulers, Delhi could well have been called Tughlaquabad Ferozabad, Dinpanah, Shahjahanabad, or Georgabad by the British after King George V. And yet, Delhi remained Delhi - a pulsating conglomeration, ready to embrace everyone.

We moved from Bombay to Mumbai, from Madras to Chennai, from Puna to Pune or from Calcutta to Kolkatta, but all the while the problems facing our cities remain the same. At a time when Delhi cries for women’s safety with a rape every four hours and a molestation every two hours, at a time when Delhi is grappling with a transport mess, polluted air, migrant issues and affordable housing, among other things - a name change should have been the last thing on the mind of our urban development minister. Agreed, as of now, a name change is merely a suggestion, but once a cabinet minister has planted a seed, the fringe elements could ensure that the seed is watered enough to sprout saffron shoots. It is likely that after renaming festivals and cities, the renaming of other prominent landmarks will follow.

Since we are moving towards absurdity at such an amazing speed, I won’t be surprised if Delhi is called Hastinapur during the BJP rule, Indirapur or Nehrunagar during the Congress rule and Chhatrapati Shahuji Nagar during the BSP rule. And if the Yadav troika comes to power, they can happily call the capital city - Yadavpur or Yadavprashtha. 
In spirit, Delhi by any other name will remain Delhi. I have no political axe to grind but the question that begs to be asked is: Is this what Delhi needs right now, a name change?

You Are Not Invited

Obama Mehman, Pakistan Pareshan

Modi Hit, Sharif Chit

While surfing channels, I was fortunate enough to stumble upon such brilliance on our Hindi news channels. The ticker writers can convert any issue into a joke. But who can blame these rhyming maestros when invitation politics is playing on the political terra firma.

There was a time, when family members were slighted by not inviting them for a family wedding. Likewise, the Congress party decided to ignore the PM by not inviting him for Jawaharlal Nehru's birthday celebrations. Since we all know who takes the final call in the Congress party, looks like someone in the Khangress really hates someone with a beard.

Was the PM offended? I don’t know. What I know is that our pollies are watching too many serials. And I blame Ekta Kapoor for this messy state of affairs. Because the juvenile act of inviting all the parties except the BJP, seems to be inspired by 'Kabhie Souten, Kabhie Saheli' or some such serial, where women plot vicious schemes to torment each other. So clearly, a malevolent matriarch is not exclusive to television serials.Or Bollywood.

If you think I am talking through my hat, why did the ‘rebel-with-no-cause’ decide to share a platform with her arch rival Sitaram Yechury, during the commemoration of Jawaharlal Nehru’s 125th birth anniversary? Such was her rage against the Rightists that she found solace in the presence of the Leftists! It was a crummy spectacle of all the kids joining hands to beat the class monitor with a secular stick. 
Several other cliches pile up like a regressive serial where enemy’s enemy becomes a friend. Lalu and Nitish, for instance. Which is why, according to a fuming  ‘rebel-with-no-cause’, a conspiracy was hatched to indict her right hand man only because she attended a party where the class monitor was not invited. In retaliation, our Kolkatta girl refused to attend the all party meet, even though she was invited. The plotting and the scheming are getting murkier by the day. Why, when folks are allegedly staging bomb blasts, even national security is off limits! Because it is not important to succeed - it is important that others fail.

And now after the masterstroke of inviting President Obama, missiles are going to fly this Republic Day. That Obama accepted the invite with such alacrity has already caused some heartburn. I am expecting another round of invitation vendetta.What if some sycophants organize a yagna to pray for a downpour on the Republic Day? As a result, what if Mommy and Sonny are not invited for the state dinner? What if only Shashi Tharoor from the Congress is invited? The possibilities are immense. Again, because it is not important to succeed - it is important that others fail.

For now, it seems that our Man of Action is not bothered by these petty games. All good, as long as his love for his own voice does not turn a blind eye to all the other voices.

Also on Huffington Post.

Pick Up Lines

The trigger for writing this piece is a news snippet I read today. According to a UK based newspaper, George Clooney wooed his girlfriend Amal Alamuddin, by e-mailing flirty messages, including a message that said, ‘The world’s hottest man should meet the hottest human rights lawyer’. Which means that pick-up lines are not an exclusive preserve of teens and tweens. Being of incurably curious mind, I can’t stop but think what Diggs said when he was wooing a pretty journalist. ‘Mein Nahin Hum’. Or ‘Now that I’ve met you, I’ll cancel my shaadi.com account’.

If I go back in time,  the rules of wooing have changed dramatically. In the Bollywood obsession phase, much before the arrival of Facebook or Whatsapp, film songs did the job of pick-up lines admirably. Interested parties would send radio requests or hum a few lines commenting on the depth of those eyes, or the beauty of that lethal smile. In the absence of a virtual world, there was no choice but to muster enough courage and say, ‘Can we be friends?’ All the while protecting one cheek, and preparing to flee in case the girl decided to take off her sandals. Because prior to Facebook, friendship request actually meant, can we go on a date? In some cases it also meant, will you be my wife and the mother of my children?

Regardless, most women would agree that pick-up lines are tacky and cheesy. Any intelligent woman will hate that a man actually thought a pick up line would work on her. So why use pick-up lines?

The basic premise, I think is Hasee To Phasee. But a lot depends on who is saying what and where. The context. The setting. The chemistry. The intent. Introductory pick-up lines backfire unless the chemistry is already working. The ones with sexual tones are a big No-No. Expect one tight slap if you begin with a, 'Hello. Your place or mine?' 

Coming back to my favorite topic, the political seducers and seducee are ready for bed hopping. The BJP, I hear is wooing allies to boost the numbers in the Rajya Sabha. Since the top brass is busy placating egos, may I suggest some pick-up lines to woo alliance partners. Why, even their own sulking women folk can be manaoed with ‘Is it hot here or is it just you?’Sush Ji would be more than happy.

For AIDMK :

They say friendship starts with F. I think it starts with J.

For BJD:

I will never let you fall. Because I have a band-Aid for you.

For TMC:

You are like a candy bar. Half sweet, half nuts.

For BSP:

Baby, you shouldn’t get your statues erected. It’s messing with perfection.

(If the BJP get less than 200)

For AAP:

Your broom just swept me off my feet.

For RAAP( Rakhee Sawant’s Party - I am sure she is winning):

Baby, you are like Gillette. The best a man can get. 

Image Courtesy: Google Images

Dance India Dance

The world is watching our dance of demo-crazy. And I am not talking about Kevin Spacey doing the lungi dance at IIFA, or  John Travolta showing his signature steps with Priyanka Chopra. Across the country, people have put on their dancing shoes, and are swaying to the electoral beats. From hip-hop to salsa, from ballet to belly dancing, and from tango to twist – every move is synchronized by way of political symbolism.

Which is why Priyanka Gandhi is performing a solo ballet act, after her brother was unable to enthrall the audience. In sync with aggressive sound bites, her moves have captured the imagination of a hyperactive media obsessed with sensational dance forms.  Ironical how the media follows the first family like a love stricken puppy, but questions dynastic politics in their studios!

Meanwhile actor-politician Chiranjeevi was showing his pompous moves by jumping the queue at a polling station when a techie  politely told him to wait for his turn. The audience broke into a rapturous applause. And an embarrassed Chiranjeevi realized what the dance of democracy was all about.

 Another sixty-seven year old politician, known for his irrepressible tongue stunned everyone with his irrepressible, well, umm… twerking. His B-boying inspired such yuva josh, that his contemporaries are now taking classes on how to ‘jive with journos’. 
 Moving on, we know that AAP’s detests Modi ji”s aerial act in Adani’s aircraft, but wonder what they have to say about Modi Ji’s octogenarian mother alighting from an auto to cast her vote. It definitely takes two to tango, be it Ambani-Adani, or Rajnath-Modi, but Kejriwal takes this dance of demo-crazy to another level. Before showing his moves, he first asks the people, “Should I dance from here?” And regardless of the answer he breaks into a righteous step. Currently, he is swaying to the tunes of Chora Ganga Kinare Waala, of course, minus Zeenat Aman.

Since all his contemporaries were perfecting their dance moves, Farooq Saab took to the dance floor ‘Paso Doble’, Latin style. Playing the aggressive matador he said ‘those who vote for Modi should drown in the sea’. While we know that the red cloth was for the saffron brigade, I wonder if age has something to do with the fetish for this foot-in-mouth step. My doubts were quelled when a quiz master displayed his dirty moves by calling Modi a butcher of Gujarat. Now Derek is not a dancer, not anymore than Farooq is a belly dancer. So why did he dance like nobody’s watching? Perhaps he thought ABCD padh li bahut, ab karunga mein gandi baat.

Ever since Arun Jaitley announced his candidature from Amritsar, he is speaking Punjabi, doing bhangra and watching Luv Shuv Te Chicken Khurana. Don’t be surprised if you see him  gyrating to “I to go crazy ke jab vazde Punjabi wedding song”. Meanwhile Jayalalitha is quietly practicing her Rumba to beat Mamata at her own mercurial tandav. 

When the music reaches a crescendo and this dance fest culminates, we shall see a fusion performance by various artists. The winner might surprise us all. Regardless of who wins the trophy, choreographing a billion steps is going to be a daunting task. 

 Image Courtesy: AFP News

Abki Baar, Akshay Kumar

Fully Faltu - This is a David Dhawan post

The Election Commission clinched a partnership with the nation’s conscience keeper, Aamir Khan, declaring him a National Icon. According to the news, they even recorded a video-audio campaign where Aamir urges people to vote ‘ethically’. Consequently, Aamir joined the exalted company of another legendary national icon - Abdul Kalam.

 

Then Aamir featured in a mischievous AAP poster depicting Arvind Kejriwal, Aamir Khan and Abdul Kalam with a label showing AK1, AK2 and AK3 respectively.Though Aamir denied supporting any political party, the controversy raised doubts over declaring Aamir as a national icon for the General Elections.

Meanwhile Aamir's Bollywood friends sensed an opportunity in troubled polity. Each time Aamir is feted, most of them get a rash. Who doesn't want to be a national icon? Being sensitive to any number race, the top AKs of the film industry came together to reclaim the title of National Icon - AK1.


Anil Kapoor (ruffling his hair): If the EC really wanted AK as a national icon, they should have contacted my secretary. After all, I am the original AK.

Akshay Kumar: Really? What do you know about politics? Do you know that the current poll slogan is -  Mein Khiladi, Tu Anari. Ab Ki Baari, Atal Bihari.

Anil Kapoor (surprised) : Bakwaas karta hai. Arrey, Atal ji is not even contesting this time. This time it is Advani ji. Plus, I  shook hands with Steven Spielberg. Does that not count for anything?

Akshay Kumar: Excuse me? If you have done foreign flicks, I have done foreign chicks. Errr..I was referring to cooking chicken  in Bangkok. But Boss, kuch bhi kaho, I am the real AK1.

Anil Kapoor: Huh? That reminds me. At least my name is original. Weren't you originally called Rajiv or something?

Arbaaz Khan (jumps in): I am not so imagining this. Being the producer of the highest grosser, Dabangg, I am the real AK. Arrey, even my director was AK- Anurag Kashyap. Plus my wife was a judge at the current Miss India pageant. And she pouts and poses even when she is brushing her teeth! Beat that!

Akshay Kumar (snaps his Dollar baniyaan): So? My wife is the daughter of Rajesh Khanna, a Lok Sabha member. Politics runs in my family.  

Anil Kapoor: Rubbish. Even Sonam wants to enter politics. So? Doesn’t seniority count for anything?  (ruffles his hair and tilts his head on one side) Jhakass.

Arbaaz Khan (shaking his head): You can take Anil Kapoor out of Bollywood to Hollywood, but you can’t take the Lakhan out of Anil Kapoor! Seriously, if seniority is a benchmark then veteran actor, Ashok Kumar should be declared AK1.

Arjun Kapoor (joins the discussion) :  Ha ha...the old Ashok Kumar?  Imagine him singing, 'Mere Sajan Hain Us Paar, Main man Maar. Abki Baar Modi Sarkaar'. Oldies, look at me. A young AK for a young nation?

Anil Kapoor: Shabash mere cheete! The title stays in the family. 

Akshay Kumar:  I'll tell you why one political party will never accept you. Because you insulted Chai-wallahs in Slumdog Millionaire.

Anil doesn't get the connection. But hearing noise, Aamir Khan walks in.

Aamir Khan: Calm it guys. As a national icon, you have to ask people to vote ethically. It is not about taking sides or coining slogans. Why don't you read the constitution first? Better still, go ahead and vote on April 24, 2014.

Anil Kapoor: Read the constitution? Vote? On April, 24, I am in Tampa Bay, attending the award ceremony, IIFA.

Akshay Kumar( cheesy grin): I am busy with Dostana 2. But how does it matter?  Koi bhi sarkaar,  Desh Ka Star to Akshay Kumar. 

Image: www.concoction.in (Google Images)

Sholay - A 3D Sequel

Fade in. The sequel begins.

After ruling Ramgarh for over sixty years, Thakur Balwant Singh is now complacent and arrogant. As it happens, decades of unchallenged power can be intoxicating.

Once prosperous, the people of Ramgarh are suffering as Thakur’s men are busy looting coal, spectrum and the aam villager. His haveli in Lutyens’ Ramgarh is only for sycophants who sing paeans in his praise. Dour and uncommunicative, Thakur does not speak. When he speaks, it is to defend the indefensible. His silence seems a better option.Those close to Thakur, seek refuge in belligerence. Moreover, an aging Thakur is not in touch with Ramgarh’s changing demography.
As a result, Thakur anoints Chote Thakur as the caretaker of Ramgarh. But the villagers have had enough of Thakur and his family.They laugh when Thakur says, "Thakur Ka Haath, Aam Admi Ke Saath." For they know that Thakur lost his hands after 2009.
There are scenes where Ramgarh-wallas ask in hushed tones, “Why is Chote Thakur so precisely the opposite of his predecessors?” The answer eludes everyone - including the reluctant Chote Thakur."

Meanwhile challenge comes in the form of Babbar from Gujarat. Far away from Ramgarh, in his small village, Babbar is the new face of governance. His name is synonymous with development, literacy and empowerment. When residents of Ramgarh come to know about Babbar’s management skills, they decide to invite him to Ramgarh.

Clearly the wheel had turned full circle. 

Realizing that chickens were coming home to roost, Thakur begins scaring his own people. “Be very very scared,” says one of the ex-environment lieutenants of Thakur. “Be very scared of this Mass Murderer, Tea Seller, Hitler…”
Unfazed by Thakur's criticism, Babbar decides to challenge Chote Thakur. Anticipating a bitter climax, he anoints Samba as the poll manager of UP.



In this cocktail of conflict, flashes of comic relief come from a handful of Soorma Bhopalis, the spokespersons of Thakur from Madhya Pradesh and Stephens.

As the reel rolls, the arrival of Babbar looks imminent. Thakur tries to please villagers and throws a few crumbs( gas cylinders, food security etc). But villagers refuse to be treated as beggars. When doles prove ineffective, Thakur begins his search for Jai and Veeru.

Guess what? He finds them in Ramgarh. One day, Thakur discovers Jai and Veeru riding their Wagon R in the by lanes of Ramgarh. Dressed in a muffler and sandals, angry young Jai is a rebel with a cause. When he speaks you sense his honesty and integrity. Nothing else matters. His sidekick, Veeru, is a poet known for his poetic prowess.

Interval. 

www.firstpost.com

This is when the two leading ladies – Delhi and Amethi, brighten the movie with their presence.

Despite striking features, Delhi looks oddly vulnerable. Once a young and sassy woman, Delhi is repeatedly raped as Thakur’s men remain helpless bystanders. Several scars and dark spots have blemished her pretty face. Nevertheless, a cynical Jai is attracted towards Delhi. A tender yet violent romance brews between Delhi and Jai.

When Amethi’s character comes alive in the second half of the movie, Veeru woos her in style. He has eyes only for her. Like the conventional Bollywood heroine, Amethi spurns his advances initially. Each time Veeru faces rotten eggs, he croons, “Koi Haseena Jab rooth Jati Hai To Aur Bhi Haseen Ho Jaati Hai.” 

Unlike the original, characters in this 3D sequel are complicated. Innumerable side stories and dirty stings confuse the audience. And then there is the all pervasive media. 

Aadhe Thakur ke saath hai, aadhe Babbar ke saath, aur baki Jai-Veeru ke saath. Basically, they are with no one, but their spicy speculative stories.

The toll of this bitter conflict is telling on the citizens of Ramgarh. Most of them look like Rahim Chacha– confused and dazed.They are asking, "Itna shor kyon hai bhai?"

Want more?

Well, I had to take a loo break at this point. I just hope that the movie ends on a happy note.But there is no real ending, is there? It is just the place where we stop the story.


Picture Curtesy: photogallery. indiatimes .com