The Game of Votes

Netflix shows are nothing compared to real time political thrillers. I am binge watching one where the political secretary of Sonia Gandhi is fighting the maneuvers of a ruthless election machine, the BJP. Ahmed Patel. 

Never heard of him? Well, between 2004 and 2014, when madam held the remote, all buttons were pressed by Patel bhai. Need an appointment? AP. Firefighting? AP. Cabinet reshuffle? AP. Fix Amit Shah? AP.

But that was past. Cut to present.

Today Patel guy is fighting a nail-biter to retain his parliamentary seat. Initially he had 57 MLAs but after a series of defections and resignations orchestrated by his rivals (read Amit Shah), he is left with 44. And that’s the twist. The old bean has 44 but needs 45. One crucial vote. Will he, won’t he?

Never saw Patel look so tense. Almost nervous. Never saw news anchors so excited. Almost animated. 

Brimming with excitement, Arnab is calling it a prestige issue for Sonia Gandhi. I’m thinking if Arnab looks happy enough for the entire South East Asia, maybe Ahmad Patel is likely to lose. Maybe Arnab knows something we don’t. After all, he is the new Lutyens media. Jogging his vocal chords, Arnab forces his three dozen panellists to confess, ‘Ladies and gentlemen, let’s be direct today. Is it or is it not a prestige issue for Sonia Gandhi?’? Continue to fire your views at #Biggest test for Sonia.’ Like an ape on heat, jumping from his seat to the monitor, Arnab repeats, ‘Will Sonia scrape through?’ 

But there is more than prestige at stake. In an article, Rajdeep says, Amit Shah and Ahmed Patel are ‘jaani dushmans’. Shah, they say, wants revenge for what he believes is Patel’s role in jailing him in an encounter case. So this is as much personal as it is political. 
Sannu ki? But, by God it is so entertaining.

It’s 7 pm. I continue to flip channels. The EC has not even begun counting. An unverified video shows two disputed votes by Congress MLAs. Worse, one Congress guy out of 44 has cross voted. This upsets Rajdeep more than Patel. If Arnab is unable to hide his excitement, Rajdeep is unable to hide his disappointment. 

By 9 pm, when the BJP and Congress delegations approach the EC like students approach the Principal, the Congress spokesperson does a Kejriwal and disses the EC anticipating partisanship. 

In other news, around the same time, China threatens war, says they will enter Kashmir. But our news channels are like, ‘Baad mein dekhenge be! Abhi Ahmed bhai needs one vote.’ To add to the world woes, Trump says if N Korea escalates nuclear threat, it will be met with fire and fury. The world is likely to end but the more important thing is that Ahmed Patel’s fate is undecided.

Meanwhile, at home, my husband returns from work and says, ‘Let’s go for a walk. Care for some fresh air?’

Fresh air? When Arnab is extolling me to ‘Fire my views’ who wants fresh air?

‘ Later. Patel’s prestige is hanging by a thread.’

‘How does it matter? It’s his 5th RS term?’

‘It doesn’t. But it’s a one-ball-one-run situation.’

It’s 11pm. The house is quiet except for the buzz of the air conditioner. After some tossing and turning, I peer into my phone. Nothing. Good folks on Twitter are asking, ‘Bhai in or out?’ 

Around 11.30 pm, the Election Commission invalidates two contentious votes after PC Chidambaram’s legal acumen convinces the returning officer. Which means the overall strength of the house is reduced and Patel chap needs only 44 to win. 44, after all, is the magical Congress number. 

At this point I doze off when I realize that the maid is on a holiday and whatever the result, neither Patel nor Shah will help me do the dishes. 

And then, much after the stroke of midnight, The Ahmed Patel keeps his tryst with destiny. He is blessed with 43 of his own and one mystery voter. Election Commission saved our democracy but the mystery guy, probably JDUs Chotu Bhai Vasava saved Sonia’s prestige. Yo man! Likely that your  ten generations will not have to work. Or pay income tax.

Now that the two ‘Jaani Dushmans’ have reached Rajya Sabha, the episode where they face each other will make for a riveting watch. That Ahmed Patel’s desire to win the RS poll could sink Gujarat Congress deserves another season of the Game of Votes.
On the personal front, it's clear that I'm a political junkie. Who stays awake all night and wakes up with a headache for one inconsequential election?

Image Courtesy: The popscreen and The Republic

UPswinger by Modi

Elections in India are quite like playing cricket, and quite as unpredictable. Winning a state requires a distinct strategy that is not facsimile of another when it comes to reading the pitch, planning a strategy, fielding the players and selecting a captain. It’s a team effort. 

With four wins in five state electoral matches, Captain Modi established his pole position in Uttar Pradesh and neighbouring Uttarakhand. His triple century against main rivals, Samajwadi Party, Congress and Bahujan Samaj Party was seen as a resounding ‘Modi wave’ that swept the Hindi heartland. Barring one loss in Punjab to the Congress led Captain Amrinder Singh, the BJP also managed to steal a last over victory by outmaneuvering rivals in Goa and Manipur. With an incredible win of over 406 of the 690 seats on offer, they can now hope to win 2019 National Cup under the hawk eyed guidance of coach Amit Shah. 

Match Strategy

In UP, they say, people don’t cast their votes, they vote their caste. But if this was entirely true, Dalit centric Bahujan Samaj Party and Jat centric Rashtriya Lok Dal would not stare at political obsolescence. Which brings us to the moot question: emerging from a defeat in Bihar and Delhi and the aftermath of demonetization googly, how did Narendra Modi register such a spectacular sweep? 

What the media did not tell us was being planned for over more than a year by the coach, Amit Shah. There was organisational restructuring, an offer of primary BJP membership to potential workers, youth mobilisation,  canny ticket distribution and effective use of social media including more than ten thousand WhatsApp groups. The net practice under the Hindutva umbrella included hundreds of nukkad meetings (street plays), parivartan yatras, youth conferences, Swabhiman conferences (for SC/ST), traders meetings, motorcycle rallies and Kamal Melas.

The speedy implementation of welfare schemes like Ujjawala which aimed at providing free LPG connection to 5 crore BPL households, Jan Dhan accounts, insurance at a premium as low as Rs 12, promises of farm loan waiver and interest free loans struck a chord with rural voters. The overall strategy was to woo the middle class by development and the poor by financial inclusion. Poverty, after all, has no caste or religion. 

Finally, demonetisation and surgical strikes portrayed PM Modi as a decisive captain who was playing aggressively against corruption. The jury is out on the merits of demonetization, but politics is all about perception. When people feel that their leader is fighting for them, data and numbers are rendered useless. While PM Modi was seen as a visionary who played risky shots, the fragmented opposition came across as defensive team of opportunistic players. 

Why Rival Teams Were Stumped

In all fairness, it is easy to be wise after an event, or a match. Truth is, no political observer could envisage this TsuNaMo in the absence of a Chief Minister’s face. As for Akhilesh Yadav, anti-incumbency, deteriorating law and order, fast turning UP wicket, in-fighting between his team players and running between the wickets with a tentative Rahul Gandhi ensured that SP was on the back foot. You can not sing '27 Saal UP Behaal' one day and 'UP Ko Ye Saath Pasand Hai,' the following day.  People are not idiots. As for Behenji, with her traditional Dalit vote bank deserting her, Mayawati was stumped by the EVMs – the educated voting middle class.

We all know that if team Congress wants to contest the 2019 Cup, they have to re-invent, strategize, and look for captains who play shots according to incoming balls and not anti-Modi shots on every ball. As Ricky Ponting says, “Every batsman surveys the field before taking the strike and the fielders get imprinted on his mind. But in my head, I only see the gaps.” The Congress Party has to look for those gaps. Renting causes, jumping from one campus to another and disrupting matches is unlikely to register wins. Taking a cheeky run, the Congress Cricket Club is looking like an old bra – no cups and hardly any support.😉

As for AAP, a much hyped team in this series turned out to be a damp squib. In their hurry to go pan-India, AAPs attempts to win Punjab fizzled out with Bhagwant Mann out on a duck and a team collapse in Goa. The silver lining for a relatively young AAP is that they managed enough seats to sit as the main opposition in the Punjab state assembly. 

Despite all the euphoria over the Captain Modi’s knock, it cannot be denied that anti-incumbency provided a tail wind to the UPswing. The truth is that anti-incumbency cuts both ways. If SP was at the receiving end in UP, it was Akali Dal-BJP in Punjab and in Goa.

Matches Ahead

After his 4-5 sweep, striking a note of inclusiveness, Captain Modi said that the five states win would lay the foundation of a new India by 2022. But a week later, the appointment of Yogi Adityanath, a hardliner UP CM surprised many who cheered for team Modi’s development agenda. Little surprise that Modi’s message of ‘Sabka saath, Sabka Vikas’ was overshadowed by overt Hindutva push. One hopes that all sections of society will represent team UP and that development, not polarisation shall remain the driving force.

On the political pitch, the UPswinger will provide Modi the courage to go for some unpalatable reforms, roll out the GST and perhaps bat for Uniform Civil Code. The increase in Rajya Sabha numbers will brighten their chances of choosing their ICC Chairman, I mean, the President of India. 

Even though it is likely that the BJP will add more states in its kitty, it would be premature to grant them the 2019 Cup. Jobless growth, education and health in shambles, and a sluggish economy are huge challenges. While inflation and corruption are in control, government policies have failed to provide employment. If villages are facing rural distress, cities are facing large scale lay-offs. The global environment is not helping either. 

Regardles, the opposition teams might go for all-except-BJP teams pan India. Given that most batsmen from challenging teams are facing serious injuries, Modi is likely to lift the 2019 Cup. Moreover, its not Modi they have to defeat, its the people they have to win. Win people to win elections.
But like cricket, the only thing predictable in elections is the unpredictability. The matches are more than hundred weeks away. And a week, they say, is a long time in politics.

Jodi No 1

Given that Bade Miyan and Chote Miyan in UP have been replaced by Ek Aur Ek Gyarah, Rahul Gandhi and Akhilesh Yadav appeared before the press in colour coordinated kurtas and jackets. Both Yuva, both Yuvraj. Same to same. But Akhilesh's is bigger than Rahul's. The nose that is.
Common', if apples and oranges are sold from the same political shop, who can resist comparing. Anyway, if you missed the presser, here is what happened.

The Prince bereft of a kingdom pretended to be a political pro. Flashing his dimples, he kept blabbering about his Sangam with the rebel Prince. The Dostana on display was hard to miss. Wait. Focus. Stop thinking about Jhon Abraham’s toned man lumps in yellow shorts. I’m not implying anything. It was Rahul who called this Sangam an alliance of hearts. Whatever that means. Go figure.

Rahul also mentioned Ganga Jamuna Sarawati, but I don’t know who was Ganga, who was Jamuna, and who was Saraswati. Unless Mayawati ji was also planning to wash hands in behti Ganga to cleanse UP of divisive forces. But Akhilesh clarified that he can’t give space to Behenji because “she takes up too much space”. “Even her symbol is elephant,” said Pinocchio. Oops, so impolite, that!

Haath Mera Saathi but Haathi Not Mera Saathi? 

When pen wielders and mic munchers reminded Rahul of his past,  he said, “History is not static, it keeps changing." Phew!! Wonder why he makes these ho hum statements.

Many are still making sense of the Aloo Ki Factory that he plans to install at the speed of Escape Velocity to Empower Women. Phrases of the kind Rahul ji serves us are as precious as Arvind Kejriwal’s movie reviews and Amar Sins phone sex with Bips.

So AkhiRa or RaAkhi, whichever way you want to look at, are being promoted as UP ke Ladke. Good. Whatever it takes to stop Modi from winning the Dangal. UP, a state bigger than most countries needs deserving boys and not the UP ke ladke jinse galti ho jati hai. For all we know or care, Rahul may be lip synching this duet with Akhilesh but the song was originally sung by – Dimple and Dimple. I mean dimpled Priyanka Gandhi and Dimple Yadav, UP ki bahurani. That Priyanka communicated with Dimple was acknowledged by none other than Ahmad Patel. 
 Priyanka Gandhi and Dimple Yadav, they say, are the architects of this Hum Saath Saath Hain act. Which, actually is a tacit admission of the failure of Rahul’s leadership.

The BJP can put on a brave face, but Jai-Veeru bonhomie is likely to give Thakur some sleepless nights. Given that BJP has neither a credible CM face nor ground work to show, it won’t be easy to get votes on the basis of their Sultan and his promises. For all my support for the PM, narrow chauvinistic pounding by his MLAs where Hindu women are asked to pop quintuplets to beat the minorities is not necessarily an election winner. The anxiety was evident when Mr Katiyar said that if Congress had Priyanka, the BJP too had many pretty faces like Kirron Kher. 

Well, ahem. Dimple for dimple. Let the men folk decide. I said nothing.

It’s amusing how Priyanka Gandhi emerges in crisp cottons during UP elections like Rekha does in gold Kanjeevaram during Filmfare awards. Many are calling Priyanka’s resemblance with Indira Gandhi a trump card. Really? It's like saying Robert Vadra should sing because he resembles Freddie Mercury.  

Anyway, now that Priyanka has emerged on the political minefield, can Vadra bomb be far behind? Despite his cases, Vadra ji could have been an asset for his wife, but what to do? Sirjee is a little short in the humility department.

 If Akhilesh and Rahul are able to Jhoom Barabar Jhoom, Shivpal Yadav may have to say Sorry Bhai, and Raees Amar Singh might be Airlift-ed back to UK.

May the Kaabil team win.

Watch the PC here

Image Courtesy: ABP Live, www.ansa.it

Bachelor Boys

Back in 1963, when Cliff Richards sang, ‘Son, you’ll be a bachelor boy and that’s the way to stay,’ he didn’t know that he was singing for the Indian political album, 2016. Whether it is Jayalalitha or Mamata, being ‘single’ is a killer qualification. With Assam Chief Minister, Sarbananda Sonowal joining the bachelor brigade, the political dividends of having a spouse are diminishing. So much that Nitish Kumar is now hoping to say, ‘I Do’ when it comes to tying a knot with the Prime Minister’s office. After all, being the quintessential Kumar, Nitish does have the requisite qualification.

A politician, they say, should be born an orphan and die a bachelor. But worldwide, people prefer a family man as their leader. When it comes to electing a President in the United States, the stature of the First Lady remains a topic of debate. A recent satirical cartoon captioned ‘Make the First Lady Great Again’ portrayed Michelle Obama as angry and masculine, and Melania Trump as feminine and attractive. While the cartoonist received flak for his sexist portrayal, he forgot that the First Spouse of the United States could very well be a man! Nonetheless, first spouses in most countries are political celebrities.

Closer home, in a country where Karan Johar’s films are successful because ‘it’s all about loving your family’, a politician is successful because he is bereft of a family. Bollywood gave us a glimpse of how having a spouse is a shortcoming in Aandhi. Remember how Suchitra Sen (Aarti Devi) tried to hide her marital status fearing an electoral defeat? Yes, since ages, our neta log have treated their ‘single but refuse to mingle’ status as a virtue. Much of India has moved on, but politicians remain forever betrothed to the nation. And don’t even mention romance! It is as alien to them as giving birth is to a man.

We have had many single champs from Atal Bihari Vajpayee who is considered a favorite non-Congress Prime Minister to late Abdul Kalam who was an all time favorite President, from Naveen Patnaik who has never lost an election to Nitish Kumar who is said to be ‘Sushashan Babu’ in alleged Jungle Raj! Other single champs like Prime Minister Modi and Vasundhara Raje tread cautiously across the marital minefield.

But wait. Going by the logic, shouldn’t RaGa be the only song playing in a loop? Electoral defeats aside, Rahul Gandhi’s bachelor appeal reaps zero political dividends. Having lost the initial connect with the people, dynasty has become a millstone around his neck. Moreover, when you treat dynasty as royalty with obsequious party men signing loyalty bonds, succession on the basis of birth becomes tenuous. Alas, there is little point in sermonizing. Any advice will land in the dustbin because the dynasty retreats into the comfort zone of the predictable at the first suggestion of giving up the remote.

This is, however, not to say that political dynasties are dead. Even though Lalu Prasad’s sons continue to flourish, the aspirational Indian wants politics of merit over politics of privilege. About time too. No longer can a neta demand votes - he has to earn them. Little surprise, then, that the family party DMK was rebuffed when papa Karunanidhi tried to foist his lad, Stalin. For the people of Tamil Nadu, Jayalalitha was the ‘suitable girl’. When Tarun Gogoi tried to impose his DNA, people went ahead and garlanded a ‘suitable boy’, Sonowal. Dressed in a crumpled sari and chappals, Bachelorette Mamata crushed anti-incumbency with focus on rural development and PDS schemes. And even as electoral cards are being printed in UP, it will be interesting to see if the Hindi heartland will embrace the Saifai son, Akhilesh, or the Ganj girl, Mayawati.

All said, when it comes to electing a leader, we prefer a tie that binds with the people and not a tie that binds with the spouse. Whoever said, ‘No life without wife’ never stood for an Indian election. A true Indian politician remains a bachelor boy until his dying day. Because that’s the way to stay.

Image from Here

Monkey Business

Once upon a time there were two big cats. Sworn enemies, they fought over the domination of different areas of the jungle. With his discerning eye and a nuanced pen, the monkey revealed the real character of the cats. Going by the script, he talked about the unobserved cruelties and exploitation of the animals by voicing their concern. In the days that passed, the animals looked up to the monkey for channeling their angst. As a result, several endemic monkey species flourished and multiplied.

Realizing the simian power, some cats began to nurture personal monkeys. Feeding morsels and purring secretly, the cats began to monkey around. Soon, the monkeys began to bell the cats. There were no established rules of owning a monkey. Amid all the back scratching and surrogate monkey ownership, the aging print monkey was losing out to the more invasive and aggressive electronic monkey. To be fair, the pen wielding monkey used to tell stories of injustice but not with the same sense panache as the electronic monkey. The electronic breed was able to sell any issue that had the potential to sell - sleaze, murder, corruption. As a result, the electronic cousins created an atmosphere where the demand for discontent ensured that the simians thrived, even if the cats were bruised occasionally.


Every evening around dinner time, an emboldened electronic monkey would sit on a tree branch and make a monkey out of the cats. He would pick one stray comment coming from the cat brigade, usually the most controversial to raise the adrenalin level of the jungle. Every second tree had one mischievous monkey telling a sensational story 24/7. If the cats from the neighboring jungle threatened, the monkey troops would raise shrill decibels, creating a war like situation. Around midnight, the entire jungle was abuzz with ‘Who Said What’ instead of ‘Who Did What’.

 Initially, the animals were complicit, for sensationalism is a shared pleasure. But when the monkeys refused to look in the mirror, the jungle began to see through the charade. Some mischievous ones would invite kooky characters, perch them on high branches and allow them to polarize the jungle by talking about competitive copulation. Not the ones to apologize for their mistakes, some electronic monkey’s fell in love with their own voice. “Look at me," they would screech."I’m the best.”

Meanwhile, a new breed of digital monkeys arrived from the jungles in the far west. While some chirped like birds, others provided free information with their impromptu antics. Feeling the heat, the aging print troops tried to use the digital creatures to their advantage.Some smart cats also tamed the digital brigade to consolidate their following. Given that the Primate Council was dominated by the simians and big cats, a largely unsupervised monkey troops were now interpreting situations in such a manner where the symbolic trumped the substantial.  

So who controlled the simians? Well, no one. Except that the impetuous digital brigade kept the erring troops on their toes. In an attempt to preserve the simian freedom and yet hold a mirror, the  digital apes acted as watch-monkeys. 

What happened to the cats you ask? Well, the cats have nine lives goes the feline dictum. They don’t come to an end unless the end comes to them. The cat fights continued. The latest round was to be fought over the central jungle area between a powerful cat and a new anarchist cat. And the monkeys were busy monkeying around.

Pick Up Lines

The trigger for writing this piece is a news snippet I read today. According to a UK based newspaper, George Clooney wooed his girlfriend Amal Alamuddin, by e-mailing flirty messages, including a message that said, ‘The world’s hottest man should meet the hottest human rights lawyer’. Which means that pick-up lines are not an exclusive preserve of teens and tweens. Being of incurably curious mind, I can’t stop but think what Diggs said when he was wooing a pretty journalist. ‘Mein Nahin Hum’. Or ‘Now that I’ve met you, I’ll cancel my shaadi.com account’.

If I go back in time,  the rules of wooing have changed dramatically. In the Bollywood obsession phase, much before the arrival of Facebook or Whatsapp, film songs did the job of pick-up lines admirably. Interested parties would send radio requests or hum a few lines commenting on the depth of those eyes, or the beauty of that lethal smile. In the absence of a virtual world, there was no choice but to muster enough courage and say, ‘Can we be friends?’ All the while protecting one cheek, and preparing to flee in case the girl decided to take off her sandals. Because prior to Facebook, friendship request actually meant, can we go on a date? In some cases it also meant, will you be my wife and the mother of my children?

Regardless, most women would agree that pick-up lines are tacky and cheesy. Any intelligent woman will hate that a man actually thought a pick up line would work on her. So why use pick-up lines?

The basic premise, I think is Hasee To Phasee. But a lot depends on who is saying what and where. The context. The setting. The chemistry. The intent. Introductory pick-up lines backfire unless the chemistry is already working. The ones with sexual tones are a big No-No. Expect one tight slap if you begin with a, 'Hello. Your place or mine?' 

Coming back to my favorite topic, the political seducers and seducee are ready for bed hopping. The BJP, I hear is wooing allies to boost the numbers in the Rajya Sabha. Since the top brass is busy placating egos, may I suggest some pick-up lines to woo alliance partners. Why, even their own sulking women folk can be manaoed with ‘Is it hot here or is it just you?’Sush Ji would be more than happy.

For AIDMK :

They say friendship starts with F. I think it starts with J.

For BJD:

I will never let you fall. Because I have a band-Aid for you.

For TMC:

You are like a candy bar. Half sweet, half nuts.

For BSP:

Baby, you shouldn’t get your statues erected. It’s messing with perfection.

(If the BJP get less than 200)

For AAP:

Your broom just swept me off my feet.

For RAAP( Rakhee Sawant’s Party - I am sure she is winning):

Baby, you are like Gillette. The best a man can get. 

Image Courtesy: Google Images

Dance India Dance

The world is watching our dance of demo-crazy. And I am not talking about Kevin Spacey doing the lungi dance at IIFA, or  John Travolta showing his signature steps with Priyanka Chopra. Across the country, people have put on their dancing shoes, and are swaying to the electoral beats. From hip-hop to salsa, from ballet to belly dancing, and from tango to twist – every move is synchronized by way of political symbolism.

Which is why Priyanka Gandhi is performing a solo ballet act, after her brother was unable to enthrall the audience. In sync with aggressive sound bites, her moves have captured the imagination of a hyperactive media obsessed with sensational dance forms.  Ironical how the media follows the first family like a love stricken puppy, but questions dynastic politics in their studios!

Meanwhile actor-politician Chiranjeevi was showing his pompous moves by jumping the queue at a polling station when a techie  politely told him to wait for his turn. The audience broke into a rapturous applause. And an embarrassed Chiranjeevi realized what the dance of democracy was all about.

 Another sixty-seven year old politician, known for his irrepressible tongue stunned everyone with his irrepressible, well, umm… twerking. His B-boying inspired such yuva josh, that his contemporaries are now taking classes on how to ‘jive with journos’. 
 Moving on, we know that AAP’s detests Modi ji”s aerial act in Adani’s aircraft, but wonder what they have to say about Modi Ji’s octogenarian mother alighting from an auto to cast her vote. It definitely takes two to tango, be it Ambani-Adani, or Rajnath-Modi, but Kejriwal takes this dance of demo-crazy to another level. Before showing his moves, he first asks the people, “Should I dance from here?” And regardless of the answer he breaks into a righteous step. Currently, he is swaying to the tunes of Chora Ganga Kinare Waala, of course, minus Zeenat Aman.

Since all his contemporaries were perfecting their dance moves, Farooq Saab took to the dance floor ‘Paso Doble’, Latin style. Playing the aggressive matador he said ‘those who vote for Modi should drown in the sea’. While we know that the red cloth was for the saffron brigade, I wonder if age has something to do with the fetish for this foot-in-mouth step. My doubts were quelled when a quiz master displayed his dirty moves by calling Modi a butcher of Gujarat. Now Derek is not a dancer, not anymore than Farooq is a belly dancer. So why did he dance like nobody’s watching? Perhaps he thought ABCD padh li bahut, ab karunga mein gandi baat.

Ever since Arun Jaitley announced his candidature from Amritsar, he is speaking Punjabi, doing bhangra and watching Luv Shuv Te Chicken Khurana. Don’t be surprised if you see him  gyrating to “I to go crazy ke jab vazde Punjabi wedding song”. Meanwhile Jayalalitha is quietly practicing her Rumba to beat Mamata at her own mercurial tandav. 

When the music reaches a crescendo and this dance fest culminates, we shall see a fusion performance by various artists. The winner might surprise us all. Regardless of who wins the trophy, choreographing a billion steps is going to be a daunting task. 

 Image Courtesy: AFP News

Abki Baar, Akshay Kumar

Fully Faltu - This is a David Dhawan post

The Election Commission clinched a partnership with the nation’s conscience keeper, Aamir Khan, declaring him a National Icon. According to the news, they even recorded a video-audio campaign where Aamir urges people to vote ‘ethically’. Consequently, Aamir joined the exalted company of another legendary national icon - Abdul Kalam.

 

Then Aamir featured in a mischievous AAP poster depicting Arvind Kejriwal, Aamir Khan and Abdul Kalam with a label showing AK1, AK2 and AK3 respectively.Though Aamir denied supporting any political party, the controversy raised doubts over declaring Aamir as a national icon for the General Elections.

Meanwhile Aamir's Bollywood friends sensed an opportunity in troubled polity. Each time Aamir is feted, most of them get a rash. Who doesn't want to be a national icon? Being sensitive to any number race, the top AKs of the film industry came together to reclaim the title of National Icon - AK1.


Anil Kapoor (ruffling his hair): If the EC really wanted AK as a national icon, they should have contacted my secretary. After all, I am the original AK.

Akshay Kumar: Really? What do you know about politics? Do you know that the current poll slogan is -  Mein Khiladi, Tu Anari. Ab Ki Baari, Atal Bihari.

Anil Kapoor (surprised) : Bakwaas karta hai. Arrey, Atal ji is not even contesting this time. This time it is Advani ji. Plus, I  shook hands with Steven Spielberg. Does that not count for anything?

Akshay Kumar: Excuse me? If you have done foreign flicks, I have done foreign chicks. Errr..I was referring to cooking chicken  in Bangkok. But Boss, kuch bhi kaho, I am the real AK1.

Anil Kapoor: Huh? That reminds me. At least my name is original. Weren't you originally called Rajiv or something?

Arbaaz Khan (jumps in): I am not so imagining this. Being the producer of the highest grosser, Dabangg, I am the real AK. Arrey, even my director was AK- Anurag Kashyap. Plus my wife was a judge at the current Miss India pageant. And she pouts and poses even when she is brushing her teeth! Beat that!

Akshay Kumar (snaps his Dollar baniyaan): So? My wife is the daughter of Rajesh Khanna, a Lok Sabha member. Politics runs in my family.  

Anil Kapoor: Rubbish. Even Sonam wants to enter politics. So? Doesn’t seniority count for anything?  (ruffles his hair and tilts his head on one side) Jhakass.

Arbaaz Khan (shaking his head): You can take Anil Kapoor out of Bollywood to Hollywood, but you can’t take the Lakhan out of Anil Kapoor! Seriously, if seniority is a benchmark then veteran actor, Ashok Kumar should be declared AK1.

Arjun Kapoor (joins the discussion) :  Ha ha...the old Ashok Kumar?  Imagine him singing, 'Mere Sajan Hain Us Paar, Main man Maar. Abki Baar Modi Sarkaar'. Oldies, look at me. A young AK for a young nation?

Anil Kapoor: Shabash mere cheete! The title stays in the family. 

Akshay Kumar:  I'll tell you why one political party will never accept you. Because you insulted Chai-wallahs in Slumdog Millionaire.

Anil doesn't get the connection. But hearing noise, Aamir Khan walks in.

Aamir Khan: Calm it guys. As a national icon, you have to ask people to vote ethically. It is not about taking sides or coining slogans. Why don't you read the constitution first? Better still, go ahead and vote on April 24, 2014.

Anil Kapoor: Read the constitution? Vote? On April, 24, I am in Tampa Bay, attending the award ceremony, IIFA.

Akshay Kumar( cheesy grin): I am busy with Dostana 2. But how does it matter?  Koi bhi sarkaar,  Desh Ka Star to Akshay Kumar. 

Image: www.concoction.in (Google Images)

Wholesome Entertainment

Image

When Kejriwal emerged after taking a dip in the holy Ganges, he told reporters that the country will face re-elections in 2015. According to him, “That is when our country will be free from the clutches of Adani and Ambani.” So in 2015, after re-elections,  Adani, Advani and Ambani will all sink in the Ganges along with another person whose name also ends with an ‘I’.
 But if BJP wins in 2014, “Sir, yeh desh nahin bachega.” I am not saying this, Kejriwal is. 
Considering how hot he looks in that chequered towel, I believe him. Basically this means that we are in for uncertain times. No jobs. No growth.

But why crib and be called a pessimist? So what if we are all in the gutter for now? We can always look at the stars. If we really focus on the bright side, there is a lot to cheer.

Social service is in the air. Those like Paswan who believed that the man with an amazing voice modulation was Hitler, have suddenly realized that he is, in fact Mother Teresa. All in the name of social service. In the election season, everyone wants to give back to the society – KRK, Rakhee Sawant, Mahesh Manjrekar and Manoj Tiwari to name a few. Making people laugh is also social service, which is why Ms Sawant came dressed as a cucumber.

Taking cue from the spirit of social service initiated by Rabri Devi, the wives of tainted politicians are ready to jump in the electoral fray.Some families have life long devotion to social service.

www.ianslive.in

Never Say Die Spirit abounds. In the entire election hullabaloo, we discovered our own James Bond – Amar Singh. No, his tryst with dusky long legs has nothing to do with my calling him James Bond. If you think this analogy is flawed, you should know that Sean Connery returned to playing the Secret Service Agent, in ‘Never Say Die’, after 12 years. Rising like a phoenix, our desi Bond (no physical comparisons please, can’t you look beyond the ephemeral?) joined Rashtriya Lok Dal, along with his Prada carrying Bond girl, Jaya. And like other secret agents, we don’t know what or who Amar Singh stands for.

Out on bail for cash-for-vote scam, Amar finally found his calling in the company of Ajit Singh. Ek Amar, to doosra Ajit – invincible. Which means maximum bargaining power at the time of ‘stallion trading’. And those who thought Amar was done and dusted after he fainted at a Dubai airport can go watch ‘Die Another Day’.

More good news. Several family dramas are playing in your nearest theatre. One is playing in Tamil Nadu where son Alagiri was expelled by his shady daddy, I mean daddy in shades. There is Sadhu Yadav (such an apt name, I tell you) contesting against his own sister, Rabri. The once loving sister is now calling estranged Sadhu bhaiyya 'Dushman'. 
Another riveting spectacle is being played in Nainital, where N D Tiwari accepted his son after a long legal battle and a DNA test. Taking a cue from Kejriwal’s style of asking the public, Tiwari wants the people to decide whether  his son should contest from his political seat. Indeed, a positive development for participative democracy!

www.hindustantimes.com

This election season is all about glamor and entertainment. So what if Pawan Bansal, the clean candidate from Chandigarh, gets your goat? Believe me, he knows a lot about goats. But forget goats, residents of Chandigarh are enjoying the battle of dimples between Gul Panag (Bullet Rani - she rides a Bullet) and Kirron Kher (muse for all Surajmal Pannalal Jewelers - can carry loads of precious stones). 

Let’s come back to AAP and health benefits. With Kejriwal in the picture, I don’t need my daily dose of Sudoku. By the time I am able to make up my mind about AAP, Kejriwal goes ahead and does something which makes me re-think.

All in all, no one is missing the IPL entertainment. After Salman and Ranbir, who would have imagined that the humble towel will find a new muse in Kejriwal. Like the current 'hope rally' on the sensex, I am optimistic. 
Those who wish to sing, always find a song.  
Which one do you like? Jab Se Tere Naina or Jaye Jaye, Ek Baar Jo Jaaye....

Word of Mouth

Coffee pe Conversation?

When people around the country are excited about Modi Ji's ‘Chai pe charcha’ initiative, we in Gurgaon are thinking about other possibilities. How about Beer per Baat-Cheet, Golgappe per Gup-Shup or Coffee per Conversation?

There is something about food and drinks that connects people instinctively. All those who wish to win the heart of voters  can focus on this profound truth. The way to people’s vote is through the stomach. Sops and freebies don’t work with educated professionals. Communication over food does. Ask Arnab - he enters our living room around dinner time.

So those who wish to win elections can focus on the 'word of mouth'. Unfortunately, tea is not what excites Gurgaon-wallas. How about Beer per Baat-cheet? If there is wisdom in wine, there is freedom in beer. Imagine professionals, video conferencing with their leaders on a big screen installed in breweries across the city. Such sessions will enable people to interact uninhibitedly and ask questions they always wanted to ask. Like why do our roads crumble like cookies after a few months?  Why weren’t the sewer lines laid before the apartments were constructed? Why is garbage dumped along the roads?

But before you get all excited, there are flaws in this initiative. While the voters can drink beer, the representative cannot be seen enjoying any beverage other than tea, lemonade or lassi. Ignore the pepper spray incident, after all, there is something called public decorum, moral propriety and political etiquette. 
Moreover, Chai per Charcha and Beer per Kharcha.

Given that more women are registering as voters in Haryana, how about Chaat per Chit-Chat? Apart from being an innovative idea, there are other benefits too. This is where women can tell their representatives that after inflation, security is what bothers them the most. It can be a gainful session where women can say that simply changing the colour of the autos does not make any difference. Gurgaon may be the only city that has experimented with red, white, blue, pink, green and black autos. And yet public transport remains a woman’s worst nightmare. 

Those who are averse to the above ideas can always join in for Coffee per Conversation. Once people begin to flock,

representatives can perhaps throw in some cookies and croissants to discuss traffic management during peak hours. Contemplating a cup of Mocha or Latte, the voters will actively participate in politics. A truly participatory democracy! I tell you, this is the only way to counter the Muffler Man’s Mohalla Sabhas.

As no other city boasts of so many breweries, coffee shops and eateries per square kilometer, food connect is an idea that holds myriad possibilities for Gurgaon. The one thing that makes for good politics much like good food is the honesty with which it is presented. If you are honest about interacting with the electorate, we don’t mind a cuppa cappuccino.

Why this post? Well,we have to think of novel ways to engage with our representatives. The coming few months are the only time when our leaders will lend us an ear. After May, 2014, we will have to zip-up and shut-up.

 This article was originally published in the Times of India, Gurgaon Times dated 18-2-2014.

Web Wars

Polling and Social Media

Will you accept a friend request from your local MLA? Will you  read his manifesto on his Facebook page? Above all, will you watch YouTube videos of your local MLA addressing a rally?

With elections on the horizon, presence on ‘Social media’ seems to have caught the attention of political parties like never before. But the stench emanating from political cesspool is so nauseating that barring a few national leaders, voters are least interested in  those  who have suddenly discovered the power of social media.

Obama as an Inspiration

Obama tapped social media including podcasting, MySpace and YouTube for his political campaign. During the 2008 presidential campaign, Obama’s official website was run by Chris Hughes, one of the three co-founders of Facebook. Members of ‘my.barackobama.com’ created blogs, posted photos, and formed groups through the website. According to Hughes, thousands of events were organized through the website and nearly 400,000 articles were written in blogs. YouTube was flooded with videos that supported Obama.

The BJP think-tank is following the same model. While not many are interested in http://www.bjp.org/ , there is a certain buzz about the official fan page of Modi. Recognizing the need to address first-time voters, Modi is tweeting in more than a dozen languages. https://www.facebook.com/narendramodi  But I feel that irrespective of the trending topic or the number of followers, voters are unlikely to be swayed by tweets alone. Most may have already made up their minds.

On the other hand, it is too early to say whether hits on ‘HamaraCongress.com’ will translate into votes. For a balanced view, I logged on http://www.hamaracongress.com/. Notwithstanding the  views by their foot soldiers, I was disheartened by the video of Sanjay Jha dispensing gyan. Sadly, those who matter in the party were  conspicuous by their absence. No wonder, perception plays an important role in the virtual world.

Urban Phenomenon

We may be the third largest user of social media after US and China, but owing to the low density of internet access, social media usage remains largely an urban phenomenon. Less than seventy kilometers away from Delhi, in Bulandshahar, religion, caste and creed are the decisive factors. On the micro level, elections are fought on local issues facing each constituency. God forbid, unless there is a war, national calamity or a sympathy wave, it is the availability of water, electricity, affordable food, housing and jobs which play a major role on the voters mind. Policies like MNREGA, Food Security Bill, Land Acquisition Bill can be advertised via social media, but unless the voter experiences the positive outcome of such schemes, mere advertisement via digital armies is unlikely to sway the voter in a big way.

Timing

Undoubtedly, the first mover advantage goes to the BJP. Their PM nominee and his think-tank went on an overdrive much before the UPA woke up from slumber. Given the price rise, skyrocketing corruption and the dwindling economy, the social media blitzkrieg by the UPA 2 is perhaps too little, too late. Communication is an ongoing process. Once your overall image is dented, there is precious little social media can do to change perceptions. No wonder, UPA 1 managed and survived despite the marginal presence on social media.

Main Target - Smartphone Wielding Voter

With slow broadband connectivity and dismal internet penetration, the smartphone-wielding voter is the ideal target audience for our political parties. The Telecom Regulatory Authority of India (TRAI) pegged the number of Internet subscribers in India at 164.81 million as of March 31, 2013, with seven out of eight accessing the Internet from their mobile phones. No wonder, Shivraj Singh Chouhan of the BJP is reaching out to his voters via an app called ‘ShivRaj’. Arvind Kejriwal of the AAP has downloadable apps to reach out to more lower middle class voters who own smartphones. 

If the political parties are luring the 12 crore first-time voters by sending friend requests, then they should have begun early. Now is perhaps too late! As for me, I haven’t met or heard my local MLA. I am unlikely to accept his friend request or follow his tweets. I am happy following national leaders on television. Which is why the presence of local politicians on social media may not be a game changer, yet. However, there is no denying that online trends are creating a huge buzz for national leaders.



Link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y8o1tmDXAJY

Link:http://blogs.reuters.com/india/2013/09/25/arvind-gupta-bjp-it-cell-head-on-partys-social-media-plans/

Link:http://www.thehindu.com/sci-tech/technology/internet/india-is-now-worlds-third-largest-internet-user-after-us-china/article5053115.ece



(This article is originally on Friday Gurgaon) 
Pictures- Google Images