Tuesday, March 17, 2015

Simply Sharad



This country, it seems, is not a nice place anymore. Robert is accused of land scam. But Sonia leads a march against the land acquisition bill. We want to crack Rahul jokes. But Rahul jokes are not funny anymore. Arvind’s sugar is under control. But his party is not. Sharad compliments women. But women create a furor. Bollywood celebrates size zero. But Sharad cannot talk about bodies. Is there any sense of justice?
Which is why, an upset Sharad ji revealed his feelings in a secret diary.

Dear diary,

Why exactly are Arnab and his band of merry women plundering me on television?
Each time I talk about the ten times fair sex, I do it with all the sincerity and vivid imagery at my command. And yet I get punched senseless. Back in 2013, Supriya Sule of the NCP lashed out when I had said, ‘Kaun hai hum me se jisne peechha nahi kiya hai. Aur jab mahila se baat karni hoti hai tab pehal mahila nahi karti hai, pehal toh hamein hi karna hoti hai.’ (We have all stalked women. And you have to take the first step when you want to speak to a woman. A woman will never approach you. We, men have to try on our own…)

What was offensive about it? When you don’t accuse Dharmendra for singing ‘Tera Peecha Na Chodunga Soniye’, why hang me? There is cultural acceptance when Bollywood celebrates stalking. But when I support stalking women, I get lynched. Tum karo to flirty, hum kare to dirty? 
 What about Valentine’s Day? Is it not about wooing women with flowers, gifts and cards? Tum karo to celebration, hum kare to objectification?

Then there was my innocuous remark about ‘Par kati mahilaye’. Far away from the pubs of Gurgaon, that’s what we call short haired women – par kati.
Now DMK MP Kanimozhi is upset. All because I spoke about female bodies! As a true buddy of Mulayam ji, I think and speak. When I was talking about bodies of South Indian women, I was thinking and speaking. Perhaps I digressed during a discussion on insurance bill. But what the hell! Is there a designated time and place when you can think about women?

It is a sad day for Indian politics when Smriti Irani has the gall to ask the ‘Best Parliamentarian’ to keep quiet.When I say I know what she is, I am not lying. I know. I can discuss her in the parliament at length. But no one lets me speak.
Above all, most of my colleagues share my view. Why else would they chuckle at my jokes? Tired after discussing complex national issues, we deserve a good laugh, no?

To those who want me to apologize, forget it. To those who call me a sexist, thank you. To my mind, I was always sexy. You should see me in my red Bermuda shorts. I once wore them on the beaches of Pattaya along with my buddies MSY and D.P. Tripathi. All the mahila on the beach went crazy. Now you are imagining, aren’t you? Everyone imagines. Tum karo to fantasize, hum kare to apologize?

Regardless of meaningless criticism, I will continue to work for  ‘par kati’, ‘full bodied’ ‘sanwali’ women who can dance well. Each and every kind of body - buxom, slender, obese, petite, slim, paunchy....Irrespective of the color, shape or size. And I say this with all the vivid imagination at my command. 

Also on Huffington Post.
 Image: From Here

44 comments:

  1. Brilliant! Loved the word play. Also enjoyed the hypocrisy that you brought out. These politicians and indeed so many of us are okay with these views so suddenly they are kind of baffled as to why they are being targeted. I remember Deepika finding nothing odd in the numerous item songs that she does which have filthy lyrics, hardly any clothes and disgusting movements. Isn't that sexy?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You hit the nail for me Rachna. It is. Bollywood can not escape when it comes to objectification.

      Delete
  2. Well said....so unfair that we blame 'great leaders' like Sharad ji no? After all he's simply being himself !

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Great, you get the spirit of the post Naba.
      :)

      Delete
  3. Hum karein to misogyny, AIB karein to let's fight for freedom of speech?

    LOVED IT, ALKA!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ha ha...You should see me grinning right now.
      And to think that I was about to delete it minutes before publishing.

      Delete
  4. Hahaha! Superb, Alka! Truly "Tum karo to satire, hum karne se retire" :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Now that was a good one.
      Thanks Suresh.

      Delete
  5. Brilliant !! to laugh or not to laugh is the question :)

    ReplyDelete
  6. Politcians are actors but not many actors are politicians! Between them what is common is they can create a lot of stink, Alka:)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. These old school septuagenarians are not in touch with the new India.
      They should retire.

      Delete
  7. Vivid imagination indeed!
    Right expression, Alka!

    ReplyDelete
  8. Excellent, Alka! Somehow after reading your piece I have a new respect for Sharad ;) Loved this line - "Tum karo to celebration, hum kare to objectification?" O the hypocrisy of it all!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ha ha, that was not the idea.
      But he is not the only one who indulges in objectification. Bollywood is equally guilty and that includes many actresses, lyricists, female directors.....having said that, wonder why he digressed towards talking about female bodies in the midst of a discussion on the insurance bill. The gesticulation part was obscene.

      Delete
  9. Tum karo to fantasize, hum kare to apologize? LOL :) loved the word play

    ReplyDelete
  10. Haha, Alka. This is an excellent piece! Loved it.

    ReplyDelete
  11. :) what do i say now.. I will just SMILE and say I HEAR YOU MAM... ..

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Don't say anything. Just keep showing your gentle presence here.
      :)

      Delete
  12. Language is such an imperfect medium for expressing such 'appreciations'. Perhaps, the eager beavers must learn to keep their mouths shut. As the old adage goes, 'its better to stay quiet and let people think of is as fool, rather than opening the mouth and proving them'.

    Nice read, particularly the rhymings 😀

    Blasphemous Aesthete

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. In his mind he is the best parliamentarian.
      And those who object are fools!
      :)

      Delete
  13. My mind boggles when I try to find the connection between land acquisition bill and female body structures.
    How the hell do such men rise to such posts?Mind boggling again :(
    And this dame and her concern for poor farmers--it is so touching.Touching the dregs of hypocrisy.

    Alka one day we will all be interned under section 66 A of ITI Act--beware.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ha ha...the thought of 66A did cross my mind. Hence the secret diary!
      Thanks Indu.

      Delete
  14. Maybe all these are smokescreens to hide serious issues at hand.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh yes, they are masters when it comes to diversionary tactics.
      Not easy under constant media scrutiny,

      Delete
  15. Well If I am right, Dear Alka Gurha's style of writing is reflective political commentator and she advises budding writers to avoid becoming didactic dinosaurs. Though I find article superbly on same lines but feedbacks and her replies seem to digress from the same. Please correct if I am wrong....ENJOYING BOTH Bs (as in Brains and Beauty, am I becoming sexist)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That you enjoyed the article is great.
      I didn't quite get the rest of your comment.

      Delete
  16. Hahaha....superb!. The red Bermuda shorts reminded me of someone ;)

    ReplyDelete
  17. Our ridiculous politicians, dunno when they ever gonna stop. They should read this one to get a heart attack and absolutely brilliant. Tum karo to fantasize, hum kare to apologize? plus the Bermuda was epic.

    Do check it out if it interests u:
    http://vishal-newkidontheblock.blogspot.com/2015/03/ban-bandh-na-raha.html

    http://vishal-newkidontheblock.blogspot.com/2015/03/nirbhayas-re-visited-udwin-leslee-video.html

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you Vishaal.
      Will check the links.

      Delete
  18. Ha ha ! He surely doesn't discriminate against women now, does he :) Anybody is good.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Apart from gender, caste, religion, shape no bar!

      Delete
  19. Sometimes you really have to grant the intelligence of the Indian electorate on their wisdom to net 545 of the choicest people and send them all to Parliament. Really.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Perhaps they still cater to a certain constituency back home!

      Delete
  20. Came back here after ages and was floored by your wit all over again ! As for politicians in oru country - seriously we are beyond redemption now !

    ReplyDelete
  21. Hehehe.....loved it, Alka.. I love your political satire and wit....true Leo you are ;)

    ReplyDelete