Saturday, January 30, 2021

Smart Desh Ka Smart Vaccine


To begin with, let me tell you that this post is your most unhelpful guide to vaccination. All because instead of studying vaccines and their efficacy data, I’ve indulged in a vest-by-vest comparison of who got what vaccine. Unless you live in a cave, you must have seen the trend of docs posting vaccination pictures and inadvertently exposing ‘andar ki baat’. As one doctor friend said, the various side effects of the vaccine are malaise, mild pain, fever, myalgia and photo achchi nahi aayi. But all is not painful or in 'vein'. There is a bright side to getting injections because we may get to see Dr Nene getting his jab in his Amul Macho - Ye To Bada Toing Hai.

As for me, I’m thankful for our population, pollution, BCG immunisation and golgappe wale bhaiya’s armpit sweat that helped us develop strong immunity.
Regardless, we should all get vaccinated so that we can happily go back to our national pastime - jhappis and pappis. It’s been sooo long, even Modi ji hasn’t hugged a world leader. Also because I want to go back to a cinema hall and watch a movie. I'm tired of watching Pankaj Tripathi in every second Netflix show.

If you are the anxious type, you can play the wait and watch game. Like your friends did after your viva exam. But the waiting game can be dicey. For one, a mutant strain can land you in the arms of a ventilator. And two, when Zydus, Sputnik, Novavax, Sinopharm and Genova enter the vaccine market, picking the right one can be as confusing as being a fart in a fan factory.
Sample this for a future. You walk into a chemist shop with the best collection of vaccines in town, including vaccine patches and vaccines sprays. The competition will be so tough that pharma companies will rope in Bollywood to endorse their vaccines.
Smart Desh Ka Smart Vaccine.
Zydus Hai Jahan Tandurasti Hai Wahan.
Isko Laga Dala to Life Hai Jhinga lala.

Your chemist will proudly announce, “Sir ye lijiye, market me naya hai. Imported hai. Nahi nahi Sir, China wala nahi hai.” You will look so profound as if you are advising Joe Biden on Paris Agreement but finally end up saying, “Ye Anil Kapoor wala laga de bhai.” Unless you are the guy who will take any vaccine that does not require alcohol abstinence between doses. Alcohol, after all might not help with herd immunity, but it’s worth a shot.
Other relevant thoughts pass over me like clouds. Why can’t we get the jab the ‘Hip Hip Hooray’ way in our gluteus maximus instead of the deltoid muscle and make Kim Kardashian proud? In case of any minor swelling, the lady can serve cocktails on her tail bone.
Even better. What if we rope in Jhon Abraham as the poster boy for our vaccination drive? It will be a ‘jab’ well done.

Come to think of it, if scientists can invent a vaccine in record time why haven’t they found one that gives us a body like the national heart throb Ms Patani? How difficult is it? Dear Bharat Biotech, once you are done with this pandemic, think of something that makes French fries cleanse my arteries. Let aging add to my hair volume and not my waist volume.
How about a vaccine that burns more calories while sitting than exercising?

On a serious note, unless you trust your immunity or your doctor suggests otherwise, everyone should get vaccinated. And if for some reason you wish to wait, the choice is yours. Ultimately it is about choice. After all, exercise and Tequila, both can make you look good.
And if this reads like the most logic deprived crap like Ram Gopal Verma ki Aag, I warned you in the beginning. Nope, I don’t feel guilty for wasting seven minutes of your time. If it was five, you did not read the whole thing. You deserve Chetan Bhagat.

Cartoon Courtesy : Stock Illustration Google Image

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