Sunday, February 27, 2011

Mandarins Of Metaphor

What if I say, I am not a cricket fan? With the World Cup extravaganza on, it is akin to blasphemy. Well, don’t throw that shoe on my blog.

Once upon a time, I ‘used to be’ a cricket fan. A fan and not a fanatic! But that was before innumerable ‘Gates happened’…..Cronje Gate, Woolmer Gate, IPL Gate to name a few. Worse, the betting scandals and murky deals dampened my enthusiasm. Now whenever the minnows beat the favorites, my cynical suspecting mind goes for a six. Also I believe that after thousands of crores of unaccounted money starts pouring in the game, then teams may win or lose; the sport surely looses.

The current fever is already giving me the shivers. Various channels are dissecting every ball. Given the propensity of Indians to talk and dispense opinions, it is but natural. We can animatedly discuss one ball, for an entire week. Everyone has an opinion.

Leave alone lesser mortals, the legends of the game have arrived in hordes. From an amiable Ranatunga to a suave Sir Viv, all dressed impeccably; perched on cricketing stools dispense cricketing gyan. The only prominent cricketer missing in action is the Aussie 'Spin king 'Burly who is busy with Hurley. The ESPN Star Sports will pay thirty-six commentators Rs 20 lakh each for the ongoing World Cup. That’s a swinger! So when pointless matches mean nothing to you then these masters of the game English them into meaning. Get ready to taste your cricket; spiced by Chris Gayle and served by Allan Border.

But can someone enlighten me as to why the Hindi speaking viewers have to tolerate R S? No, not Ravi Shastri, but Rakhee Sawant! The Hindi channel Aaj Tak has Loud Mouth Sawant making silly points about cricket with gold dust smeared on her twin assets. Seriously I pity the girl (?). She wants to show all but unfortunately no one wants to see her no balls. After checking herself and pouting in every mirror Veena Mallik displays her fine legs on India TV. What does she know about the game? Well, she is an ex- girlfriend of an ex-cricketer. The English channels are still betting on the noodle strapped Bedi. No not Bishen Singh. Now do not imagine him in noodle straps. I am talking about our very chic Mandira Bedi! Another pair of fine legs on display belong to Ms Chopra who is tantalizingly perched on Times Now studios. No not Priyanka, but Roshni Chopra. You can get bold or caught depending on your taste.

Undoubtedly, most exasperating of them is the mandarin of metaphor, the Turbanator. No, not Bhajji but Sidhu! Sachin may be master blaster on the field but Sidhu is the rhetorical blaster off the field. A book by Geoff Tibballs, ‘The Bowler is holding the Batsmans Willy’, has a chapter dedicated to Sidhu. Forget Sidhu’s quote on Piyush Chawla, ‘He is as confused as a child in a topless bar’. Thats passé! Bush’s Bushisms pale in comparison to Sidhu’s Sidhuisms. You don’t agree? Okay then catch this one. While describing Sachin standing on his toes to play a shot he says - ‘he played that like a dwarf in a urinal’. Now you believe me?

The final word belongs to the erstwhile Little Master who minces no words. Diplomacy is not his forte; unlike Bhogle. His favorite dart board is the Australian team which has already started smashing LCDs. I wonder why they hate electronics so much. Remember the Aussies threw a washing machine out of the window during the CWG? Why mate? Aggression or attitude, you decide.

How can I forget ‘dada’ who looks more like an MBA graduate with spectacles and a dignified demeanor? Impossible to think that he once took off his shirt in front of millions!

The pressure cooker situation is yet to arrive when we enter the semi-finals. Till then commentators are milking the ball. Right Shastri? Or are they firing on all cylinders? Right Raja? No, not A. Raja. But Rameez Raja!
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  1. Sidhuisms are just out of our world. loved his comment about Chawla and Sachin..

  2. i like these ex-cricketers doing commentary, bcoz they are very much with technical approach and know the game better than any professional commentator....

    yaa,,, the pressure like situation is yet to come when we enter semis, and then you will find "rush of blood". Right Gavaskar?

  3. 'Big Toss' on India TV ssly breaks new grounds in stupidity !

  4. What I don't understand is what is Sidhu doing in Comedy and Mandira Bedi and Veena Malik in cricket? I too am not a cricket frenetic but such uninteresting introductions to game is not supported by me.

  5. Lovely.... no other world can describe it... lovely..!!!

    Yeah, like you I was a cricket fan and not just fan but a fanatic one.. but then daily matches, IPL and other made to restrain from it.. even now I don't remember name of most of our players. Ufff...!!!:O

    When more than half of our population lives in less than a 2 dollar a day than how can this big buddies get crores for an IPL match.

    And, than spending that money in a NRI run bar is not justifiable. I'm not a pseudo-socialist but a balance need to be there.

  6. @Harish...Yes, his rhetorical achievements dwarf his cricketing ones..

    @Irfanuddin..If and when. Right?

    DG...They should get some award or something. For the sheer consistency of stupidity.

    @prateek..I am as lost as you are.

  7. @Rachit..Bang on! Our sense of priorities was always lopsided. And it remains so.

  8. I have never been a cricket fan and i know i'd never be one but enjoyed reading this cricket post.... :)
    lol at dada looking like MBA grad with specks :D

  9. hahahaha this one was packed with punches from top till bottom. Amazing writeup Alka. I wonder what would Sidhu say if he read you this one time. :P
    Very nice article,

    Blasphemous Aesthete

  10. @Tanishka....Am glad you enjoyed it.

    @Anshul....Coming from you it means a lot. Thanks mate. Sidhu will perhaps say, " Guru..this post is as mindless as a convict in a mental asylum."

  11. I sail in the same boat. Can't sit through any match with my mouth shut and that upsets all the others in the room. Cynical? you bet. It is getting less and less like cricket but with millions rooting for the game, who am I to complain?

    Lovely post as usual, Alka.

  12. Interesting observations. I do not watch cricket anymore. Just look at the score - that is it.

  13. Me too, used to be a cricket fan. Too many new names, too many new teams...just read about it in the papers. Can't sit through a match beyond 10 minutes.

  14. @zephyr....We should watch a match together, what say?

    @Purba...I never knew that so many people would be indifferent to cricket.

    @A...Join the gang.

  15. I didnt know that R.S is hosting a show....that too with golden assets!
    Frankly I dont think the women will alow their menfolk to watch this...Hence a loser

    I love Siddhuism... I hv got no other channel but DD.
    But something i would like to share is football commentary lasts only for 15-20 mins! and they have solid things to discuss

    I sometimes wonder why these guys go over the same thing again and again

    In a phone in prog in DD
    One guy from Jammu: 'Will Pakistan win the WC'
    The host answers something
    Next caller: 'WIll India win the WC'

    Get a life!!

  16. The sidhuisms were awesome.Lol.The picture you posted initially was nice ..I loved the 'bechara' guard sitting there and the over enthu gal's excitement!

  17. It was an interesting and pleasure read. Very well written. I used to be mad for cricket but now there's an overkill of it and I lost interest.

  18. sidhuism is great .. after all he was my senior in our school :)

    although at that time i neve knew he spoke so much ..


  19. @Jon...DD is much more sedate but the other channels have gone over board with the analysis.

    @Rajji..I loved the pic too..Thanks for reading.

  20. @Ajay...Overkill is the word.

    Thanks for reading.

    @Bikram..Your senior? He has a verbal diarrhea these days. Just doesnt stop.

  21. hehe..amaaaaaaaazing!
    at least I found something about cricket that I didn't mind reading from the start till the end:-)

    and "a child in a topless bar"-hilarious...and so very apt a description...

    cricket has lost its gleam like of the days before, n not just you as a too

    very amusing write up again Alka.
    please never stop writing:-)

  22. The last I went mad about cricket was the Nocturnal Sahara Cup when I woke all nights and lived the days like jombies.

    Your strokes are more stunning than the English sixers in the death overs of the Sunday's fixture! Probably the best I have come across on the 2011 edition. Terrific post.

    Siddhu is like a luntaic who has not been allowed to fart, pee and defectae for ages and now we have allowed him to run amok!

    Rakhi Sawant is the held back fart, pee and defecations of the ages, now revisitng us with a vengeance, coutsey the mandarins of telemedia.

  23. I agree what the heck venna Malik and Rakhi Sawant doing in Cricket show.

  24. TV studios has become the second home for the retired cricketers.
    But, i think Mandira is the only one who did justice to her job.

  25. I seriously loved your post. Like you, I have become cynical about matches which swing dangerously. With matchfixing and IPL, cricket is a tamasha. You are spot on about commentators. Hindi commentary is boring and the worst. It reminds me of AIR commentary of hockey, so dull. And English, wow some people like Ravi Shastri are inane, Siddhu is crazy yet fun, and when the commentators start singing praises for Sachin, it gets my goat. Sunil Gavaskar is openly biased and Harsha Bhogle looks like a joker with his hair job :). But, I did not know that Rakhi Sawant was giving expert views too. god save us.

  26. @Suruchi...Thanks dear.

    @Uma Shankar..Your descriptions are so How about a fun satirical post from you? Would love to read.

    @sm..Okay, will try harder next time.

  27. @BKC..Mandira is a veteran now and has learnt a lot about the game.

    @Rachna...Thank you dear. Am glad you liked it.

    @Talha..Exactly. They are showing what they have. Unfortunately, no one wants to see.

  28. that was a superb hilarious take!!!
    loved every bat oops bit of it!!

  29. Yes senior .. you see I also studied sometimes he he he We from the same school...

    but whatever anyone might say he has a command over english language and knows what he is talking about ... :)


  30. @magiceye...Deepak. Thanks a ton.

    @Bikram....Your school mate is a gem of a kind...Guru aisa heera hazaaro saal tap kar banta hai. I am sure you pakaoed him so much at school that he has become this rare

  31. Hi Alka,
    Too much of everything is bad. I remember long time back , telling my wife( who is your FB friend now ;)) about two things popular in India . One is cricket and one is Bwood. Soon they are going to marry which is the third most popular thing. And they did. Now what we are seeing is mega tamasha.
    In Bangalore fans did not get the tickets to watch the match. You would know the consequence if a rock star decided not to provide a ticket to his concert. THere would be so much backlash and boycott, he would run for cover. This happened when Lars Ulrich spoke against fans of Napster. Metallica got hammered down and Lars made villian of them all.
    I wonder if us Indians are born to get a stick in our back for longing for things we like. I see no boycott calls for cricket and it goes on and on boring people like us to no extent.
    A long term damage to image of cricket has already been done .

    You know what the line about three most popular items in India appeared in 'Dil To Bachcha hain ji'. I plan to sue the producers ;)))
    HAve a great day

  32. Alka,

    I realised my mistake of not visiting you for such a long time after reading all current posts. I think I need to enrole myself for learning how to keep focus on main theme but be witty at the same time. Each post is superb and I am at a loss to choose which is best. Dil Mange More is such a dig at today's corruption while Desi Girl truely shows RANGA SIYAAR story to be so correct. Bad Is Looking Good takes a dig at our filmmakers taking advantage of current hot topics while Daddy's Girl shows that no matter where we are we still have some common traits. How To Ward Off Enemies is slap on the face of today's political trends while Single, Forced To Mingle shows that excess in bad in every sphere. And this one surely takes the cake. I still am wonderstruck at what Sidhu said. The way you spoke about each comparing with other known figure was really hillarious. Keep writing. I will try to read posts which I have missed.

    Take care

  33. @Ashvini....crores of unaccounted money is in cricket now. We do not even know who is the owner of Kochi IPL....its murky and shady. The worse was the lathi charge on the fans.


    @Jack....Thanks. Its encouraging. Now all the effort seems worth it. Sincerely appreciate your spending time on the posts.
    Good Luck

  34. Since Cricket is a religion, I will not say much to offend the followers. Enjoyed your post!

  35. Interesting Post Alka...enjoyed it.
    But for 95% of India, Sachin is their god and cricket religion. The 'only thing' that doesn't incite riots like godhra, shootouts like mumbai but celebration and sorrows alike from Jammu to kanyakumari :)
    Krazy Memoirs

  36. Lol! good one, I seriously pitty the Hindi news channels, they have made a joke of the poor viewers. I would love to see Rakhi Saawant bat for bloggers against the Govt's IT bill to curb the freedom of speech and expression. She can seduce them easily you see! - No no, the Govt. can't censor her assets, then Aaj tak, Ndtv imagine and many other xyz channels will rage a war against the Govt. She is the cash cow of these channels, in Ravi Shastri's words it will be "........" I know you can fill in the blanks easily :)

  37. Seriously humorous post. Totally loved it.