Tuesday, June 17, 2014

Under The Weather


Also in Gurgaon Times, The Times of India, June 27, 2014


You can’t blame us Delhi-ites. When it rains, it pours. When it sizzles, it scalds. When it chills, it freezes. And the rest of the time, we have dust storms. No wonder, we in Delhi are obsessed with the weather. And at this time of the year, when the monsoon is there but not yet there, our weather fixation acquires the intensity of a storm.
It is an annual unfailing exercise. In the month of May-June, the weathermen emerge from behind the clouds of ignominy. At this time, the television reporters begin visiting the Indian Meteorological Department. Ignoring the fact that 1.1 billion out of 1.2 billion Indians know that the monsoon first hits Kerala, then proceeds towards the East before arriving in Delhi, they ask, “When do you think the monsoon will arrive in Delhi?
Of course, the misery of Lucknow, Kanpur, Bhopal or Ahmedabad is not as important as that of Delhi-NCR.
So, a balding weatherman clears his throat and says with all the authority at his command, “Delhi will have to wait for the end of June.” What he means is, “Dimwit, didn’t I explain it to you last year? And the year before that?”

Moving towards absurdity at a lightning speed, the reporter runs an old footage of a street vendor selling nimbu-paani. “Aap dekh rahe hain ki garmi se log kis kadar pareshaan hai.”

Meanwhile, his counterpart in Mumbai gets all excited about the high tide that hits Mumbai.
Mumbai Reporter: What do you think about this high tide?
Random Guy (quickly throws the packet of chips on the beach, wipes hands on his trousers): I feel that Modi should do something to stop the high tide.  
Rather predictably, the month of June reminds us that the employees of BMC and NDMC have been busy playing cards for the entire year. Year after year.
Delhi Reporter near India Gate: Delhi-NCR mein mausam ne aaj achanak karvat li. Please tell our viewers how you are enjoying?
Random Gujarati Tourist (drenched but super excited): We are totally enjoy. Totally enjoy.

Given the heat, Delhi tempers are directly proportional to the city temperature. Anything above forty degrees comes associated with long power cuts, menacing stares, middle fingers and a slew of MC, BCs on the road. Don’t judge us. If you experience such heat and traffic, minus the electricity, you too will behave like a caged gorilla.
Interestingly, extreme weather conditions in the month of June inspire Facebook users in myriad ways.

Delhi Guy: 48 degrees today. Totally roasted, man. Waiting for a dust storm.
Bangalore Guy: Huh? This is nothing. We had a thunderstorm yesterday. Couldn’t sleep for ten minutes.
Delhi Guy: You’re kidding right? Haven’t slept in days.No power.
Mumbai Guy: Sweating buckets here. Cyclonic storm predicted tomorrow.
Patna Guy: Saale, I know Nitish goofed. But can’t you think beyond the metros?

Why do I get a feeling that June is retribution time for  Bangloreans? They get the rains first. In their hearts they think, “Yo Yo Delhi Daredevils. Burn in hell.”

May-June is also a time when reporters use the term El Nino as frequently as the number of crimes in UP. If you don’t know what El Nino is, don’t stress. El Nino is a Spanish soccer player. Okay, so you know your soccer. El Nino is actually a weatherman’s favorite whipping boy. When they don’t know what the hell is happening, they blame it on El Nino. Or a western disturbance. Or both. 


Image Courtesy: Google Images


47 comments:

  1. Hahaha! Been there (Delhi), Am here (Bangalore) :) You know what the problem is with Bangalore for an ex-Delhiite? I am rendered bereft of conversation :)

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    1. It's the reverse for me Suresh. Been there, Am here. And the funny thing is that when I was there, I longed for Delhi. And now that I am here, I long for Luru( that's my pet name for Bengalore).

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  2. El Niño is gaining grounds here too, Alka.
    It's like blaming the dog for eating your homework..

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    1. On a serious note Ruchira, we have messed up with the environment so much that it is becoming difficult to explain such aberrations.
      Thank you for reading. Makes me very happy.

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    2. I agree with ya, Alka
      We are responsible for it.

      Pleasure all mine

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  3. Deliciously funny. May you get more powercuts.

    But rains after an intense heat-spell always make you wonder if its actually water or evaporated sweat!

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    1. Surprisingly April was pleasant this year. May wasn't that bad. But we are already sweating buckets in June. And July August are ahead of us. Looking forward to October.

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  4. Like you said..these buggers do not even care about BHOPAL...We dont even star in their weather bulletin :(
    Awesome post!

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  5. I can see all the weather outbursts on my facebook profile ... Shall I rant about how cold it is in Sydney :P naah people might just online butcher me :P I enjoyed reading your take on the weather :D

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  6. this was funny esp. this line *Random Gujarati Tourist (drenched but super excited): We are totally enjoy. Totally enjoy.* :P
    Bangalore was extremely hot in April.. only now have the temperatures gone down..but I guess what we went through is nothing compared to the Delhi heat. :)

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    1. I see Gujarati tourists everywhere, be it Singapore or Delhi. After all, you need money to travel!

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  7. Given that I now have a lot of friends who are based in Delhi, weather has become a topic of conversation for us too. Now, it's not new to me since when I was in London, it was pretty much the same state. Except that "sunny" was a rather rare occurrence. So we just divided seasons on to Jacket or No-Jackets :)
    To be honest, I was expecting someone to do a piece on the Facebook weather updates and I'm super glad that it was you. Another ROFL-arious post :)

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    1. Having lived in Bangalore for almost a decade, I can divide Bangalore weather between Blanket and No Blanket Weather.
      But Delhi is all about blankets, duvets, quilts, two sets of quilts then back to blankets, sheets, and finally...nothing. :):)

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  8. Although I loved the post itself, I loved your reply to Sid's comment even more - blankets, sheets and finally nothing indeed :D

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  9. phewwwwwwwwwww now I know of ONE advantage of coming to uk.. thankfully no powercuts.. and not that hot tooooo

    and hey I get to tease all my friends in chandigarh when i sent them little snippets of cool weather and the bar b que we have on a bright day here :) and the rain falling

    yayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy :) oh oh oh did i make you jealous toooo ... na that was not my intention for sure :)

    Bikram

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    1. You did. :). How about a trip to Delhi in May June?

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    2. nooooooooooooooooooooo I will be ROASTED like the stuff we roast on the bar b que here ..

      but you know for some reason I dont know why I cant stand heat here also jsut a bit of sun and heat wave and I am sick, nose-eye running.. sneezing.. I am gone , I have very very bad day.. BUt I cant understand I have lived in india and May - june time when its at its highest we have worked in the fields harvesting crop and all that in our fields..

      god knows what has happened to me I think I have become toooooooo soft :(

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  10. I love and hate the weatherman's job. Love, because he can say anything and get away. Hate because he has to say the same thing every day of every year and try to sound as if he is saying it for the first time. Thanks to Weather we can have non-controversial discussion with anyone around us, unless you are in Delhi and the other person is from Bangalore :-)

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    1. Thank you Ravi. So good to see you on my blog.
      Yeah, it's a thankless job, but this post was in jest.
      Having lived in Delhi, you know what I am saying.

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  11. Haha Alka! I will be careful about weather update status on FB :-). Seriously, I can neither stand the heat nor cold of Dilli or North now. I feel for you guys. We have our powercuts too. Terrible ones at that. But power backup helps. And don't get fooled by Mumbai statuses. It's bloody humid most days there :-). Fun post this!

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    1. Having lived in Bangalore, this one was a light hearted take. :) what I love about Bangalore is that it is not humid even during monsoons. I remember going for walks at twelve in the afternoon but anything after seven in Delhi is a nightmare!
      Love your FB updates Rachna. Yeah, power back up is a blessing for us, even though the generator keeps buzzing all the time. Right now it is very humid here. I guess this is how it is going to be in July August.

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  12. Hahaha...loved this. Mumbai does a yo-yo with weather....not it rains and then it doesn't and the sun comes out to play. May you have rains soon.

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    1. Thanks Janaki. Despite the rains, it is going to be very humid and sultry.
      And another set of problems of water logging, dengue and malaria. Sigh!

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  13. That's why we carefully avoid any trip to our natives in this gruesome weather. Pune is cool as you may know and the clouds are already playing hide and seek :)

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    1. Pune-ites are Bangloreans lucky cousins.

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  14. Hilarious Alka ! I can't stand extreme weather anymore , having been pampered by Bangalore. I wonder why Bangalore people aren't the most sweet tempered people in India, given the weather.. but then I think, even a 3 degree variation from the median is termed as extreme out here !

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  15. Totally hilarious, Alka. We Bangaloreans were pampered by the weather Gods with a decent (read good) weather. But not anymore. Nowadays, the humidity is rising and the rains are playing traunt and its getting hot here.

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    1. I know, it is not what it used to be. People have begun installing air conditioners when even fans were not necessary at one time.

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  16. Look,one can't do a damn about weather except discuss it.
    That is exactly what we all do....

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    1. It is great conversation starter.
      Hot huh?

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  17. It seems that Delhi-ites have taken to poking their own wounds with forks and knives. The radio now sports a prank called 'STD call' where another state calls up Delhi and mocks it for its silly state. Oh but Delhi isn't a state. Okay. Like yesterday, Mumbai called and said

    M: 'Hello Dilli, Mumbai hoon yaar, kya chala hai'
    D: 'Kya chalna, yahaan bijli hi nahi pahunch rahi hai'
    M: 'Hamare yaahan metro bhi pahunch gayi aur tumhare yahaan bijli hi nahi hai? LoL'

    Such a sport Delhi is.

    Darn!

    :D
    Blasphemous Aesthete

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    1. Ha ha, but humare yahan metro pehle se hi hai.

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  18. Alka! Love the tid bit of reporting about the weather which always gives reporters a complex and turn weathermen into lesser devils in the world. Another brilliant post with ur trade mark and made my Sunday spicy, cut off from the boring sitting in front of TV or checking TOI/HT online.
    www.vishalbheeroo.wordpress.com
    yeah, I'm the same reader who comment on two blogs, impersonating my self and striving to minimize the confusion:)

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    1. Thanks for liking. But I didn't get the bit about impersonation. I know you write as both - Vishaal Bheero and Ranveer Vishal.

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  19. Weather is bad,but so sad--we can't even blame maa bete ki sarkar now :(

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    1. Ha ha...yeah, but we can blame the RSS. No?

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  20. Blame it on El Nino, how perfectly you summed it Alka:) Trying to catch up with blogs I missed reading due hectic traveling!

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    1. Work or pleasure? Anyway, makes sense to take a break.

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  21. Hahaha! I loved this one! You completely pakdoed the nubz of Dilliwalas with this one!
    Waise, really, where are the rains????

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