Wednesday, March 30, 2011


A former US engineer Harold Camping is predicting the end of the world on May 21, 2011 at 6pm. After the visuals of Japan's devastation the prophecy cannot be dismissed either. It is pretty close, but who knows? As someone said, ‘Life is short, eat desserts first’. Almost immediately, I am tempted to go for a triple chocolate sundae. But what if the doomsday gets deferred?

Astrology is an ancient science, and making sense of planetary alignments is not everyone’s cup of tea. Lately in Delhi, pretty faces have taken to tarot reading. I have nothing against pretty women pursuing astrology but I have an axe to grind with frivolous predictions regarding seduction rituals, or romantic destinations.

A pretty astrologer in an esteemed publication reveals what the heavens say about how to please your loved one. Now, I read this particular column for the simple fact that I am extremely amused by the wacky ideas. They might hold true for you, I am not sure. I know zilch about birth signs.

 I am  quoting verbatim. “To seduce an Aries you should wear reds and show lots of skin.” Strangely the prediction is not gender specific. So if you are a man with normal levels of hormones, then forget Aries, any birth sign can be seduced by a woman in red showing skin. Unless of course, the woman happens to be a Dolly Bindra or Nirupa Roy! But if you are a woman and a man in red tries his tricks on you, then the idea is very scary. I’d rather not even go there.

I am a Leo, and  the prediction goes, “Surround yourself with pink to keep everything at bay.” I dare not imagine my son and husband in pink, a la Govinda in a movie. It will be apocalypse anyways!

Scorpios, according to the expert,I should visit Morocco. Pray, who will foot the bill? Also a perfect gift for Scorpios is a ‘sexy pair of boots’. For starters I fail to distinguish between sexy, savvy, sultry or suave boots and also according to our tradition shoes are not ideal gifts, are they? I know my temperamental July born cousin, who if gifted boots will throw them on my head thinking that I am deliberately insulting him.

The most comical is the gift idea for Aquarians – Ayurvedic oils. Interestingly, Ranbir Kapoor is an Aquarian and his female admirers can gift him a ‘Dabur lal tel hamper’ for a romantic liaison with him. For a Sagittarian the ultimate gift idea is ‘binoculars or a bungee jumping experience’. If you are a Sagittarian, go figure out this one! Maybe this is what you always wanted.

For the Aquarians the suggestion is to ‘wear green’ for a change of job and ladder climbing. Perhaps MNCs have started promoting employees in green ensembles, a la Jim Carrey from ‘Mask’ or perhaps offices are celebrating each day as Environment Day. In an earlier issue of the magazine, there was even a suggestion to ‘try plunging neck lines for well being’. Excuse me? Can someone be age and gender specific here?

Yes, planetary positions, numbers and colors impact finance and health. Yet, general predictions which cater to a majority in one stroke are amusing. Consider a few samples in a daily newspaper, “Your body will respond to dietary changes and exercise regimens. In health matters you should be careful, especially those suffering from calcium deficiency. Romance or marriage is possible this year, do not consider anything impossible.”  Isn’t all of it obvious and generalized?

Starting a blog with birthday forecasts is not a bad idea, what say? Some wide-ranging ideas – “You could suffer from flatulence after a heavy meal and possibly experience an embarrassing situation,… do not argue with your wife as it is not a good time (when is a good time?), you could be stuck in a traffic jam, stay indoor as the heat can raise your temper,expect some hair fall today, some eye irritation  is also a possibility.”


  1. I saw a documentary on Discovery which clears the doubts about the prophesies of world end. The chances of ending world are much same today as proclaimed. There are endless possibilities how could world end but unlike 2012. Come on, coincidence has not managed to develop that much that a series of disaster can occur; a chain reaction, one igniting other. So lets celebrate for No 2012.
    I'm a Leo too. Same Pinch.
    I LOL'ed literally while reading certain points—
    1. Dolly Bindra
    2. Ideal gifts
    3. Who the heck argue with his wife anyway, no man can live without food and shelter.

  2. hii

    haha, loved this one.. I completely agree with you. even the TV channels telecast such nonsensical astrology shows, one pundit said ' to get rid of struggles in life, get a water purifier' !!

    and dolly bindra is quite apt as the ambss. for radio mirchi.. bajate raho!!

  3. @Alka loved the tarrot reading details.I can imagine somebody surrounding himself with 'pink'hehe..inky pinky's so funny.Then ..birthday prediction..that was rib tickling!I remember one of my relatives predicting just after my child's delivery that I wouldn't be working for another 1 year.That was such a fluke.

  4. I read some novel in which it was written the people working for the magazine actually sat around the table and made predictions for each zodiac signs? Now How true would it be?

    I really don't know how much of the tarot card reading is apt? But yes sometimes its quite weird!

    Astrology is an ancient science! But How can we ever be dependent on our stars always? Our hard work,dedication?

  5. astrology is for entertainment
    just like santa and banta

  6. @Prateek...I know u r a Leo.Saw ur Bday on the FB profile. Who else can be so regal, kind and generous? Same pinch....Yes, its celebration time after a season of scams and disasters..For the moment celebrations in BLUES.

    @AS ...TV channels and esp DHARM on Aaj Tak takes the idiocy to another level.Thanks for reading.

  7. @Raji...Oh really? These days most are into predictions and numerology...even without understanding the A B C of it.

    @Poonam...Its complicated. Honestly beyond me. But no one should trivialize and fool people.Hope you are doing fine. TC.

    @sm..Astrology by novices is amusing for sure.

  8. I love your blog posts for the humor in them :). I do share your feelings about prophesies. To me, they are rubbish,and though it might help a distressed soul, they really ought to be taken with a huge pinch of salt :).

  9. Modern Astrology is a lot like fiction. It has all the elements - romance, drama and what's more like any well knit thriller it keeps you in suspense.

    And if a woman needs seduction tips from a newspaper - God help her :p

  10. @Rachna...Well said.

    @Purba...too much drama makes it meaningless..wish they dedicate the same print space for upcoming bloggers.

  11. another interesting one from u :) neither am i a believer of such things nor had i ever been able to understand how believe so blinded follow it. but I do happen to read the forecast n all once in a while just to 'have a good laugh'! and two things that i learnt after all these years of laugh is that either the predictions are extremely obvious or else they r too weird to be understood by a sane human mind :D
    i wrote an article on something similar, do check it out -


  12. I cannot stop laughing :)))

    What is the recommendation for Libra male? Haha :))

  13. LOL...gr8 article...My signs today say ...
    "A journey today could rekindle quite a few sentimental memories for you. This is fine as long as those memories are positive ones and don't dredge up the past which you wish to forget. If you must travel today and recollect past memoirs, make sure they're pleasant ones."
    ...what the heck is that suppose to mean???? you just gave me an idea of a new blog :-P...

  14. he he he he I ahd a smile , I am scorpio though the idiots have changed it but who cares .. so what do you advice a scorpio :)

    and I saw that Dolly bindra character it was some indian show oh my god I was like that , how could she talk like that ..

    and regarding the world collapsing I dont care , I have had a good life so far, I am happy and fine and hopefully will be when the time comes ..

    Moreover who know life that side might be better .. :)


  15. Alka,

    It is like Met predictions - Tomorrow sky is likely to have clouds with drizzle at time otherwise it will be clear sky. Astrology is a science which many have made it into money earning profession. Placement of planets at the time of birth do have influence on one's life if calculated accurately time and place wise. Subsequently again their movements have affect but very few can predict it. We can not generalise for a set of persons of same zodiac signs but born at different times not to talk of years. However it is fun to read some of the predictions.

    Take care

    PS : Thanks for warning of Dooms Day. I must wind up all pending works lest I be answerable to God. Left comment on previous post too.

  16. I am Taurus and my case is perfectly stated. Cook me a fab meal and I am all her. And dont scare me with apocalypse thing. My Nazar Suraksha Kavach can help me through that. They have a money back guarantee otherwise.

  17. I personally believe in astrology and have personal experiences with the predictions.

  18. The first thing my wife does with a newspaper is to turn to 'prediction' page!

  19. @Subtlescribbler...will follow the link..

    @A...The amazing thing is that its not gender specific...but I will quote.."Wearing black will give you that extra confidence to approach the one u admire."Gift idea is Candles..What say?

  20. @SUB...The prediction foxed me too...go ahead with the blog. There are many stressed souls out too, all set to go..just dont want to be buried alive in rubble for days.Promise u will comment on my blog on the other side also.

    @Jack...Great analogy.

  21. @Rachit...:)

    @BKC...Of course, its a science and holds good. But not everyone can be prophetic.

    @Harish..Interesting....the lady is bang on for you. Read her column regularly in India Today, Simply Delhi.

  22. @SR Ayyangar...Some experienced ones do make sense with lucky numbers and colours.I got married after my horoscope was matched accurately.

  23. It is such frivolous and silly predictions that give astrology a bad name. The advice certainly sound terrible to say the least.

  24. so true alka..
    it's all nonsense.
    even if there was any sense in these predictions or so called guide-lines, does anyone actually remember it after having read the paper, etc.

    everything is so generalized that whether you read about any star or sun sign, you would feel they are talking about you!

    another one of the many means businesses really to earn by capturing the imagination of gullible souls!

    a great read...made me smile n n n nod;-)

  25. I know a pair who fell in love, secured the permissions of the parents...but the astrologer simply refused the consent
    He said if they marry one among them would die. The couple who transcended all troubles simply didnt have the guts to question the astrologer

    But may be if they had payed him a small bribe ...he could have changed their stars

  26. @Zephyr...yes, such predictions give a bad name to an ancient science.

    @Suruchi...Exactly...people are so stressed that any help is welcome.

    2Jon...Thats unfortunate...

  27. Hmmm....Aquarians – Ayurvedic oils, that is something I don't mind. (me being an Aquarian)
    But I agree on one thing, "Life is short, enjoy it"

  28. okay. I am changing my wardrobe to all black now....actually I already have several black shirts. When people get old they start wearing black and dark colors to look young...haha:)))

  29. Hmm...i somehow dont understand the underlying idealogy behind such prophecies.Anyways enjoyed reading ur post.

  30. Pink on Men? Red clothes, and that too very little so that maximum skin can show? Don't the stars have some dressing sense? :P

    I wonder what the new sun sign would have for itself in store, since it is more of an amalgamation between Scorpio and Sagittarius.

  31. Ahhhh.... I should wear green?! and yay! you can all gift me ayurvedic oils but then I don't leave any hairs in my head to use them :P but yes, i can get myself massaged so it better me aromatic ayurvedic oil OK?

    As a blogger, should I change the template to green too? Or may be I will start a Blogstrology coloumn in GingerChai for specialized astro service for bloggers :P

  32. Dolly Bindra and tag line - Bajathe Raho! awesome! Once again a wonderful post, loved every bit of it. Thanks for sharing :)

  33. @Haddock ...Surprisingly some of the prophecies are bang on...I stand corrected. do? I hope the black shirts bring luck and lots of happiness...Do tell me who did u approach and what


  34. @LakshmiRajan...Go ahead and try all the tricks with green...champi, tel maalish....
    The fact that u read my post means a lot to me.Thanks.


    @Anto.... I am glad u liked it....bajate raho.

  35. I am a Sagitarian -at least I think I am- and now that I think of it, I love cameras and since looking through the viewfinders are so like looking through bio, er.. monoculars, the generalisation may be true, after all! Now, am I tempted to take bungee jumping? Anything to escape the financial closing, even the land of la-la!!

  36. @umashankar....try bungee jumping at ur own risk....there are no caveats in the predictions...dont know what the pretty lady might suggest for financial closing....I say close the office and go out for a movie with family.

  37. Dolly Bindra is our secret weapon. Her shouting will bring the Mayans back from the dead (thoroughly shocked). Then all '2012' doubts will get cleared and news channels can take a break !

  38. Damn! Bunjee jumping? For saggitarian? Doesn't that fortune teller know we saggis are all but outgoing. Too much to believe they can be true.
    A masala post with mast material. Plunging necklines can bring a relationship down or up the hill depends on how you use it.. Lol. Sick ideas with equally sick predictions. I wonder how can some people actually contact those self proclaimed genius and follow the stupid ideas or predictions.
    There's a thing about your writing style that grips from first word till last.. Amazing!

  39. This post reminded me of lagey raho munna bhai. Do you remember where munna challenges that astrologer Batuk Maharaj asking him to predict what would happen to his own life in the next few mins???

    That would be my question to any astrologer any day.

    All these forecasts and predictions dont mean anything to me. next time I have a writers block, I think I will start
    writing daily forecasts. good idea.

    Overall a very good read.

    ALways Happy