Saturday, October 8, 2011

And The Award Goes To.....

Corporate houses have had their day. Rough neck squads are an embarrassment. Grass root workers are dead. The brahmastra for political resurrection is 24/7 media coverage. Don’t agree? Well, didn’t media support catapult a mild mannered septuagenarian to an alleged Gandhi reincarnate? And a 24/7 coverage did bleach stains off Modi’s pristine white kurta.
So it made sense when the ministry of Information and Broadcasting decided to smooch the media mavens by felicitating them. The Editors in Chief of various television channels, and the other hoi-polloi with the mighty pen and mightier mouth were invited.
A leggy bimbo who kept forgetting names was announcing the awards. Here are a few excerpts.

Leggy Lass: We start the awards ceremony with not one, not two but three awards ‘Conscience Now’ ‘Morality Now’ and ‘Angel Now’. All the three awards go to A G. No, it is not a pun on his initials. He is Almighty God. Please welcome him on stage, the Editor in Chief of ‘Your Channel’.
The recipient had discarded his suit and blue rimmed spectacles and looked different in a blue tee that proclaimed ‘I am Trouble, See you in Hell’. His raven locks were freshly shampooed and gave a huge complex to all the women present in the hall.

Arnab: “Well…Thank you ladies and gentlemen for the TRPs of ‘Your Channel’. Tonight, in two minutes from now, I wish to thank several dignitaries without whom it would be impossible for me to neuter my rivals. I wish to thank Mr. G Parthasarthy for Pak bashing, Mr. Maroof Raza for China bashing, the civil society for UPA bashing, Mr. Ravi Shankar Prasad for Singhvi bashing, Mr. Singhvi for Advani bashing and on days when we couldn’t whack anyone, Mr. Suhel Seth for punching the air.

My special thanks to Ms. Renuka Choudhary for grimacing, rolling her eyes and thereby adding a dash of wit. I have to salute her amazing intellect. Above all I wish to thank Dr. Subramaniam Swamy for providing enough fodder for all of us to chew. In two minutes from now I have to be back on ‘Your Channel’, so thank you.

Leggy Lass: The next award is called the ‘Award that Wasn’t’’ goes to the gentleman from the Congress News Network who had to face the nation for ‘cash for vote scam’… I wish to invite him and his pretty wife on stage.

Editor in Chief of Congress News Network: As you know I commit but later shy away. Can’t reveal much…Thank you.

Leggy Lass: The ‘Breaking Today’ award goes to aaj tak ki best headline, I simply love it - ‘Saas and the City’. Anyone who came up with such a title deserves an award. Hai na audience? Please give him a big hand.
A short, bald gentleman with a smug grin came on the stage to receive the award. Heard he was caught cozying up with Big bro Mukesh.

Bald Guy: He..he..he. (Grins) I so enjoyed ‘seedhi baat’ until my ‘seedhi baat’ was tapped and made public. Anyway, MJ Akbar is doing that show but he is not as acerbic as I was.
Leggy Lass: Our next award the ‘Sensational Sawant ’ award goes to my favorite channel. Arre wahi…. which airs the courtroom drama called ‘Aap ki adalat’.

A gentleman who had painstakingly combed his hair over the bald spots and sported a cheesy smile that stuck right through the evening came on the stage.
Hair Transplant Guy: Thank you for not getting scared by my horrifying news programs. I try my best to terrorize the audience. The other day we aired a show, ‘Sikkim mein aaya bhukamp. Ab dilli ki baari hai,” but none of the Delhites got terrorised. I wish to thank desperate wannabes like Rakhi and Veena  for all the spice and muck we churn out day after day.

Leggy Lass: Finally ladies and gentlemen, he…he… the ‘Greenathon Lifetime’ award’ goes to Dr……‘Big Daddy’ of television.
A gentleman sporting a beard came on stage. He doesn’t tom-tom but he happens to be the first cousin of Arundhati Roy – the new cheer girl for the hatemongers. Along with Big Daddy came his faithful protégé in cropped hair. Poor girl was so conscious. She fell from the heights of Kargil to the depths of Radia, perhaps that’s why.
Big daddy: It gives me great pleasure to see children, borne of my womb bag all the awards. But there are times when parenthood seems nothing but feeding a mouth that bites you. (His eyes well up.)
Even those who are nothing but tabloid level melodramatic hot air have received more awards than me…sigh. But the buck stops here. I would rather be a BBC than a Breaking Today.

I wish to thank my protege who keeps the flag flying…except for an occasional tape entanglement. As you all know I feel uncomfortable in this new fangled bitchiness on television. I don’t wish to be the referee when politicians fight like cats and dogs on television. Thank you all.

(Ms Chaudhary whispers in Ms Soni’s ears, “I got it. He is calling me a cat. I don’t mind being a feline if Prannoy is calling the BJP canine. Don’t they sniff power and bark their lungs off like hungry mongrels?)
“Arrey…bas karo this is not a TV studio,” shouted someone from the audience.

(At a fictional award function)


  1. Alka, this is so unfair! Just as I was revelling neck deep in the Awards ceremony, you hit the kill button! You must move on to bigger things now. Terrfic writing.

  2. Alka....this was too good. I just could not stop laughing. How come you haven't given awards to others? Lady, I am sure you have people shivering in their clothes wondering what you will write about them ;)

  3. That was a riot, especially the mention about Renuka. you have so perfectly described each of them. How come you have left out HT and Rahul?

  4. Hahaha! That was just wonderful;) So, you must be given an award for Media bashing, huh?:) And loved the comment on rolling eyes Renuka!!!

  5. So much wit encapsulated in this short post!!It was a nice laughing pill!!Thanks Alka!!

  6. @Umashankar...I wanted to do a secret diary of Arnab Goswami....but then this idea cropped up.Thanks

    @Rachna...:) Thanks dear.

    @@Zephyr...I would have loved to include others but the post was getting too long.:)

  7. @Cloud Nine...I forgot her sweat wiping...God she is so theatrical on TV.

    @Rahul...I am glad you liked it.Thank you for reading.

  8. Every category actually makes so much sense.

    It is sad that we measure the extent of our nation building by how much we are ahead of our neighbours. Stupid it is because every nation has its own socio-economic history and its dumb to compare them on common dimensions.

    Other thing is that in our conception of democracy ,forced conformity ( to the Pakistan bashing and recently to Hazare-way-of-looking-at-things ) has taken up the space originally meant for tolerance and rational thought.

    I am a newbie to the political news section of newspapers ,but what I can understand is that morality is something that is alien to this way of public life. Backtracking and image management rules !

    People are looking for shortcuts- Rakhi and Poonam are not unique. Given a chance I don't think many would resist. We can see how popular these reality shows ( Roadies etc ) are. They want to be celebrities without working hard for whatever they do in real life. To me that is cheap and irresponsible.

    I created this page on facebook- Kejariwal for Prime minister. A guy posted himself as the PM there and congratulated himself. I laughed ofcourse but that is what people think it takes- a chance encounter- to be great and in doing so they make fun of so many competent people around. Maybe it is the kind of movies that bollywood churns out :)

    The way you have woven the strings together is immaculate. Your USP remains the originality and that is adorable..Thank you Ma'm for such a refreshing read.

  9. true...the media nowadays are damn waste..saas and the city..what the hell..they do not show news instead they try to increase trp by showing some masaledar info...i hope ki someday they'll get some sense..about what a newschannel should do!!!!!! did it right to make it shorter..if you want to give some more award..just write it in second part..i'd love to read that :)

  10. @Sritatsat...the fact that we have informed and intelligent youngsters like you gives me hope.Kejriwal for PM is a wise call. There is a lot of churning going on and hopefully some good will come out of it.Thank you for reading.

    @Sharan....Welcome here.I am glad you liked it and could bear a sequel. Thank you indeed.

  11. hehe.. the mental dissection of the traumatic awards.. :P

    Weakest LINK

  12. you lost me in between Alks(blame it on my very poor political and general knowledge)but you got me back again n again
    my god, you are so good at bashing-whether it is the politicians or the media:-)

  13. Totally funny ;)) pranoy roy is granpa roy ;))

  14. Love your satires. And through your witticism you focus on such important issues of political brouhaha on one hand and media irresponsibility on the other.Kudos.

  15. @Rachit, Suruchi and Indias No1 blog...

    Thanks for reading.

  16. @Prateek, Atulsush, Giribala..I am glad you liked it.

  17. Whatever happened to good ole news. All we have now, is much ado about nothing, accompanied with histrionics.

    Sorely miss Prannoy Roy's World this Week.

  18. Haha...yes, the news channels have become similar to the slapstick west European game shows that used to come on TV. But here everyone gets thrown in the water with their pants down.
    Brilliant. You should start your own awards now.

  19. woooo.. oooohhh.. it was lil sarcastic.. but loves it anyways ;)

  20. That's how , award ceremonies are taking place these days. The worst hosts the show and the best returns home with nothing in his/her hand.
    Your creative writing is awesome and keep creating.

  21. @Purba, Snow leopard and Madhulika

    Unfortunately independent, unbiased reporting is dying a slow death.Different channels have different political inclinations which confuses the viewers.

  22. @Sriramnivas....Thank you for reading,I am glad you liked it.

  23. side splitting!
    the taste of 'humour' is so overt and flagrant ,with a smiling 'wit' lurking behind , adding the right masala to the recipie..i simply enjoyed it...

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  25. :) he he he he am sure a part 2 and part 3 can come up tooo.. with the award lists we got a lot of MORONs to honour :) he he he

    loved them all

  26. @Bikram and Restles....Thank you for liking.

  27. a blog award for you...