Wednesday, May 8, 2013

The Uncle Factor


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At a time when powerful maternal uncles have become increasingly indispensable, I miss a benevolent influential one. Since my mother was not blessed with a brother, I don’t even have an uncle, leave alone a powerful one. When I watch the meteoric rise of the accused Railgate nephew  a sinking feeling engulfs me. Imagine the perks of an influential uncle heading a ministry or a resourceful uncle in the sarkari establishment? I could easily bag contracts, promise lucrative postings and jerk around, ‘Kya kar logey? Mera mamu hai na’.

The presence of a powerful uncle does different things to different people. For a struggling Imran, an uncle in Aamir provided easy access to movie directors. In the case of nephew who allegedly ran a cheat micro-financing company, an aunt at the helm of a state provided credibility. And for Emran Hashmi, an uncle in Mahesh Bhatt presented opportunities to kiss and sell.

Is it any surprise that I am tempted to adopt an uncle who can pull the strings in the corridors of power? I am planning to send letters, requesting for adoption to all the reigning deities (ministers and top bureaucrats) cutting across party lines. With the hike in air fares, my first attempt will be to adopt an uncle in the aviation industry. Imagine getting discounted  fares, not having to pay for extra baggage or an aisle seat. Depending on the clout of my adoptive uncle, I am not ruling out a cut in future aircraft deals – purchase and maintenance included.

An uncle in the tourism ministry would provide hassle free visa and an unforgettable stay at the beaches of Hawaii. Come on, it’s not that bad. An all expense paid beach holiday is a small perk compared to the fortunes made by other nephews and nieces, but it’s a good start to begin with.

I also intend to write a letter to the top officials in the  ministry for sports. For all you know, I will be flying business class to watch Olympics along with the Indian contingent. If nothing else, I will get free invites to all the IPL parties where I can shake a leg with Chris Gayle and discuss diamond clarity with Neeta Ambani.

Our Information and Broadcasting minister, they say, has tremendous clout in the corridors of media. If he agrees to be my uncle, I see myself in the DD studious dispensing wisdom on everything - from objectification of women to Talibanization of  society. Courtesy my uncle or his accountant, I can get unsecured loans to start my own news channel. Arnab, calm it down, 'your channel' will have a new rival. Soon.

Since defence ministry is tough to penetrate, I am aiming to adopt one of the top bosses in the armed forces. As defence deals go, a teeny-weeny cut  in helicopter transactions or coffin contracts will ensure bliss for my forthcoming generations. And how comforting is that!

Mamu, where art thou?



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41 comments:

  1. yeah, mamajis can do stuff chachus can never do..i have been pampepred like anything by my mamajis so know :)

    till today, I ask their for stuff unabashedly :)

    http://www.myunfinishedlife.com/

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  2. A maternal uncle is deeply attached to his sister's children.
    But many stories in Mahabharata have shown a maternal uncle in poor light. How can Kansa kill so many of his sister's children? How can Shakuni plot against his own sister's sons.
    Luckily these stories have opened many people's eyes and the bad practise of marrying their own sister's daughter has been stopped.

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    Replies
    1. Ha ha...Shakuni was evil. I am looking for a benevolent kind Mama.

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  3. Check out if Rahul G would like to be your uncle. You will get all the above perks and many more
    :-)

    Jokes apart, the croonies around powerful and influential enjoy more powers since they are not in the public eye and are not answerable to anyone.

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    Replies
    1. He is too big and too busy with his Jijaji.
      :)
      The kind of expectations I have, an influential PA to the minister will also do.
      Thoda hai, Thode ki zaroorat hai.

      Delete
  4. Hahaha! Now you have the luxury of choosing an uncle because you do not have one :) Abh mere paas mama hai par mama ke paas power nahin hai - main kya karoon? :)

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    Replies
    1. Arrange for a Lok Sabha Ticket for him. If your uncle wins, I am coming to pay my respects.

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  5. Only a well-connected mama, chacha, baap, bhai is of use. And then there are nephews who tweet on your behalf and shame you in front of the world :).

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    Replies
    1. Most are too thick skinned to be shamed Rachna.

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  6. Before you wish for it seriously,remember,even KANS was an uncle

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    Replies
    1. I am wishing for a benevolent kind and loving Mamu.

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  7. you can be a pilot too if your mama was aviation minister. I have mamas but not at all helpful ...feels sad..

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    Replies
    1. Oh yes, the DGCA will welcome me with open arms.

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  8. It pays to have a powerful Mamu... I need one too! :)

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    1. If I manage to get one, I will recommend you to other potential powerful ones.

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  9. I liked your idea of adopting a Mama..And the range you chose is surely tempting..:P I do have one wonderful Mama..Not in power or fame, but who I can ask to bring the moon to me..For all I am today, it is just because of him..:)

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  10. How sadly we misunderstood that the days of Mahrajas are over with end of privy purses when the new Mahrajas abound using national exchequer as personal kitty:)All good at making mamus of a common man!!!

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  11. I'm blessed with four :D
    they pamper me a lot... but they tease a lot too..
    not good :P
    but having influential mamajis... blessin

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  12. I have many uncles, Alka. All simple, honest, upright citizens of this country who shudder when you mention scams and bribes.

    When you adopt a powerful uncle, I will adopt you as my elder sister ;)

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  13. Mamu or no Mamu, I would love to see you dispensing wisdom on TV :D

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    Replies
    1. My schedule of appearance on TV will be on my FB page. Please follow.

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  14. Even if I had such Uncles, my parents would end up having strained relationships with them. I have scolded my parents many times for loving their worthless kin and shunning the stars.

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    Replies
    1. If only our parents were in tune with the times! Sigh!

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  15. What is the procedure to adopt a Mamu ?Let me also know once you have tried your luck.And would be more than willing to adopt one or get adopted instead.I can also swear on affidavit that I won't get caught like other morons...win win...No?

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    Replies
    1. Ha ha.
      The procedure to adopt a Mamu will be there on by Facebook fan page. That is if and when I succeed.

      Delete
  16. If the number of candidates spillover, do let me know. I can also make do with a couple.

    Enjoyed the post. Nice hilarious post!

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    Replies
    1. Thank you Ramakant. You have a wonderful photography blog.

      Delete
  17. Right now the most powerful person in our nation is that iron lady Sonia, so you should ask her to adopt you as that niece she can give some power to!

    Lovely post and very topical too! of bhanjaas and mamas making mamus of us:)

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    Replies
    1. Vinaya, the kind of cold granite detachment she shows, I am a bit wary of Sonia mausi.
      I can't imagine her mollycoddling me.

      Delete
  18. It is great to have Mamu's. If you are adopting one, reccomend my name too.

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  19. Ha ha... But these uncles are not always dependable. If at all a situation calls for accountability, your position will be threatened first. My suggestion: Become your uncle's boss :P

    Destination Infinity

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  20. I don't mind a mamu as long as he stays faithful when he climbs the ladder of success, and does not forget me.

    My mamu unfortunately forgot his sister (my mom) and things got quite ugly!

    Loved the analogy of star kids and politics.

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