Tuesday, July 23, 2013

Good News!

Picture Courtesy:Google Pictures (tytropes.org)

The economy is slipping down a slippery slope. Tomato prices are kissing the moon. There is no coal for the power plants. Children are being raped and fed with poisonous food.

Where is the good news?

While Britain celebrates the royal baby, we are engaged in a slug fest between two bachelors - one sporting a veil of supposed secularism and the other dressed in knickers of alleged communalism.

While Britain celebrates the outcome of ‘puppies’ of a different sort, we are plumbing new depths over puppy analogies of the dirtiest kind. Shorts, skirts, English language, computers and chowmein could all be responsible for our plight.

Amid all the gloom and doom, the only silver lining was the Salman-ShahRukh hug that added cheer to our dreary routine of negotiating potholes, power cuts and puddles. Whoever referred to the ‘British stiff upper lip’ never saw the Indian middle class sulk over the governance limbo in our country.

So what can really cheer the nation? 

Some estimates say the royal birth will bring loud cheer for the British economy. Perhaps our political royalty needs to come up with novel ideas to pep up the national mood. In the larger interest of uplifting sagging national spirits, I request Rahul ji to tie the knot and provide some good news to a nation semi-blind with sleaze.

If my biology serves me right, there is enough time before May 2014. I guess it is too late to ask Modi ji, but Rahul ji can oblige us. Plus Modi ji has a development plank to surf the tide, but options for Rahul ji are limited.

Look at the all the strategic advantages. 
News is that Finland has already gifted William and Kate with a special ‘baby box’ received by expectant mothers in the Nordic country which includes infant clothing. Imagine China sending cute ‘baby boxes’ instead of aggressive soldiers? For all we know, Pakistan could send mittens and booties made from Peshawari wool, hand knitted by Hina Rabbani. No cricket diplomacy could match this baby diplomacy. Back home Times Now can be the first channel to say, ‘Your channel is the first to report the contents of the ‘baby box’. Arnab can invite a few Pakistani guests and debate the hand of the ISI in sending red mittens instead of the traditional pink or blue ones.

While bookies in Britain were betting on everything from baby’s name to baby’s weight, our betting veterans who are twiddling their thumbs after the cricket fiasco will be back in business. This way we can legalize betting and infuse all the stashed black money in our economy. Ramdev ji can thus breathe easy and revert back to his kapalbhati with Jethmalani ji. Who knows the prices of essential commodities could come down in view of all the celebrations? 

The birth of Prince George of Cambridge is helping the debt-laden  economy of Britain by boosting tourism.Tours of royal palaces are on, and visitors are thronging to catch a glimpse of the palace where the Prince is sleeping. We too can boost tourism by providing a two-night package tour of Delhi. Historical monuments like the India Gate and the Kutub Minaar can then be illuminated in blue or pink. 
But never mind all that. Any such good news holds great potential of blunting the political barbs. Forget an exuberant Pippa Mausi or Harry Chachu, imagine the joy of Tau Digvijay ji. In a fit of joy, he could embrace his Nagpur based rival and post lovey-dovey pictures on twitter.

I tell you this good news could prove to be a trump card in any political arsenal. Let the opposition slew in misery if they lack a virile royal Prince capable of giving us the good news. 
And if you think I have gone senile, what else can an idle mind do in the absence of jobs, onions and electricity?

44 comments:

  1. Replies
    1. Thank you for calling it gentle. I am scared of the political goons.

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  2. Can't stop laughing, a beautiful satire. I was also going through similar emotions. I wish some sanity could be injected into Indian media or rather world media. Not only media, Former Australian PM Julia Gillard sent a hand knitted woolen shawl for the royal baby. No wonder, if Sonia Gandhi send designer dress for him afterall she belongs to Fashion Hub of the world.

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    1. Coming from you, it means a lot. Thanks.

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  3. In the meantime, India is still waiting for its Crown Prince to deliver...

    What a wonderful satire, Alka.

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    1. Brilliant one-liner.
      Thank you sweetie.

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  4. Haha thoroughly enjoyed and the best part "If my biology serves me right, there is enough time before May 2014. I guess it is too late to ask Modi ji, but Rahul ji can oblige. Plus Modi ji has a development plank to surf the tide, but options for Rahul ji are limited. ? :):):)

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  5. "I guess it is too late to ask Modi ji, but Rahul ji can oblige." - :D. What a wonderful way with words you enjoy, Alka Ma'am. Thoroughly enjoyed this!

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    1. Thank you Sakshi. I hold your writing in very high esteem. I have been following your posts. Often I am too lazy to comment.

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  6. Brought a smile to my face! Let's see who obliges :D

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  7. If 48 hour powercuts can have you imagining a Baba wedding and Bambinos by May 2014, I can't imagine what a longer one might inflict on your fertile imagination. Manmohan Singhji participating in an Antakshri marathon perhaps?
    Loved the post, as usual!

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    1. You are the inspiration. Can anyone come up with MS playing antakshari? Something to do with Gurgaon hawa, I guess.

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  8. It's heart warming to see such a hatke post during the boring Puppy analogy, Modi-fication, economic downturn. It's a joyful post, Alka:)

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    1. Thank you Ranveer. Glad you liked it.

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  9. If we have so much excitment here about Royal Baby,imagine what will Paidmedia do when our own Dynasty baby comes?

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    1. If its a boy, India Gate and all other historic monuments will be illuminated in blue light.

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  10. Lovely satire, Alka! Seriously tired of the "mountains out of molehills" approach of today's news.

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    1. Thank you Rachna. Their hyper media provided enough fodder.

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  11. Laughed out aloud after a long time at the condition of our polity. If senility can bring this on, please get more senile fast. Baby diplomacy, indeed :D

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  12. Are you sure that the box that Finland gave was not made in China? :)

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    1. Could be, but I guess it is the thought that counts. :)

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  13. I know ... all those dreaded situations make me senile too but the outcome is always good on blog :) that SRK salman hug bugged me like any thng ..it was on all channels. Sigh

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  14. Loved reading the post. Can't stop myself laughing :)

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  15. ha ha :D if this is he effect of a power cut, then it must happen frequently in your part of the world Alka :) But seriously baby diplomacy at its best.

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  16. Superb post and a really nice idea. I stopped reading news after months of reading about only rapes, murders and nasty comments from every politicians.. Now this would be something interesting to read about.. :) :)
    Well written.. :)

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    1. Thank you for the appreciation Arpitha. Means a ton.

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    1. Thank you for reading and voting Pritam.

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  18. I like the idea of boxes from China and Pak. :P

    But nothing can change the state of affairs in our country. Though it's high time Rahul should get married.

    Enjoyed reading your post after a long time.

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  19. Hey Alka..this is so cleverly weaved! Hina, Ramdev and others also found a role here, along with the usual suspects..fun read!
    and yes, onions are a hide-n-seek lot

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  20. Ha Ha.. Good News..
    too many these days. Bad for one is definitely an enticing good news for another..
    Blame games goes on.. and in b/w real agenda rots

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  21. Hahaha! And how about breaking news every second on the second from the moment the water breaks? :)

    Btw, Rahul also has the "Swayamvar" option - he can take training from Rakhi Sawant :)

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    Replies
    1. Only ten months left for May 2014. Swayamwar or an advertisement in TOI. Time for quick decisions!

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