Tuesday, February 4, 2014

Bulls Eye



The search convoy hit the Rampur-Nainital highway. Timmy, the black Labrador lay back, curled on the floor of the white Maruti Gypsy. His counterpart, Jimmy, a bloodhound sniffer from UK, was attentive, ready to sniff out the bloody buffs. For Jimmy, this was new. He had sniffed drugs, dacoits, kidnappers and bombers. But buffaloes? Nah!

Regardless, this was a do-or-die mission. The top Boss’s chilling voice kept reverberating, “If you fail, you will be thrown in a pool infested with crocodiles.”

The Gypsy drove as fast as it could, spinning clouds of dust in the air. When the search party stopped in the outskirts of a sleepy village, the cops alighted along with their guns and walkie-talkies. Leading the search party, the sniffer dogs ran along the dirty dark tracks for what felt like forever.

Panting heavily, Timmy said, “Bro, this is a do-or-die mission.”
“What if we don’t find them?" growled Jimmy anxiously. “Who do you think stole the buffaloes?”
“Could be the opposition fellows," snarled Timmy. “I tell ya, they can stoop to any level.”
“Hmm. So, you think, they are in some park, hiding behind those monumental statues? Or maybe they are on their way to Gujarat.”
“Yep, possible. But how will we recognize the herd dude? They all look the same?
“No idea,” yapped Jimmy. “Never been on a buffalo trail.”

It was beyond midnight. The search convoy stopped for tea at a dingy dhaba. Before the tea arrived, the sleepy looking guy behind the counter fell dramatically on the feet of the policemen. “I hear you guys can find anyone. Please find Pappu who left for school but never returned,” begged the guy.
“Is Pappu a VIP? ”
“No,” the guy looked at the cops vacantly. "Pappu is my five year old son."

There was a loud burst of laughter. Disappointed, the guy went back behind the counter scratching his head. While the cops sipped tea, the sniffer dogs watched small black and white television placed on a rickety stool. The search operation was national news.
A news anchor with gelled hair and spectacles was shouting, “You ask me where was my channel, I ask you where was your conscience?”
“This is scary stuff,” growled Timmy softly. “Each time I see this anchor, I pee next to the nearest pole available.”

Suddenly Jimmy began barking excitedly, almost like the anchor in the television set. Instinctively, the cops ran towards the nearby fields.
There they were. All seven of them, frothing at the mouth, chewing cud and looking at the onlookers with their limpid innocent eyes.

Phew! It was like everyone received a fresh lease of life. The cops  fired celebratory gun shots in the air.
A relieved Timmy asked, “How did you do it? Did you sniff the reek of their dung? "
"Easy-peasy,"Jimmy growled, “The herd is wearing imported cologne. I guess, their owner bought it while on a foreign junket.” 
"It was not a foreign junket. Study tour tha stupid," Timmy barked happily.


Image Courtesy: www.indiatoday.in
Related News: Buffaloes more famous than Queen Victoria

47 comments:

  1. LOL! Being a VIP bains is far better in this country. Enjoyed it, Alka. :)

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  2. That one sentence in the middle of the post somewhere is painful reality in all it's strength. You know which one I mean. It has as many question marks here as it does in real life. Bravo for putting yourself out there so.

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  3. All the buffoons look the same. The news shows how far and wide VIP culture has percolated in the country. Of course, it is not restricted to politicians alone. The babus, law and order, everyone is in it.

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    1. I tried my best to not write about this. Eventually I had to say something to feel better.

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  4. The story line is excellent! I re-read it twice! Lol I guess you can use this as a metaphor if you wanted to as well! OR sticking with just the story is a great one too!

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    1. It is a pleasure to see you here Danny. Thank you.

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  5. The imported cologne saves the day!!!
    gahahahah this was brilliant!

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  6. Like Sakshi says, you put yourself out there with that one sentence. Wonderful writing Alka.

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  7. Now that Azam Khan has been reunited with his missing buffaloes, he can celebrate "Bailentines" day to mark this momentous occasion . As for the suspended cops, they can console themselves with Ballantine.

    According to sources, the man is now demanding Z level security for his herd.

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    1. Purba, sometimes the news itself is so funny that you don't know what more to say about it. I tried hard to stay away from this bit, but gave in eventually.

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  8. I'm still laughing (“Each time I see this anchor, I pee next to the nearest pole available.” ) funny write and it seems better to be VIP bains in this country :)))

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  9. Lol, a harsh reality of our political system and we witness the worst form in our state Uttar Pradesh Uttam Pradesh.

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    1. Harsh reality, it is. Sometimes you don't know wether to laugh or to cry.

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  10. Awesome! hehehe, I am sure they were wearing imported cologne, for all you know they must be being fed imported ghaas poos as well.. aakhir VIP hai na! :)

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  11. You will agree in the' Karma Theory' now, Alka! A VIP buffalo or a rich man's dog....no ordinary man can lead a life like them:)

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  12. The post may sound hilarious but it has that underlying sentiment that can make you sleepless. Well done Alka.

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    1. True. A time when you don't know wether to laugh or cry.

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  13. Rofl Alka . Hi hi . I read the news and did realize that even buffalos will get top priority when they belong to a VIP. Brilliant post

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  14. Oh that wicked pen of yours! Such irreverent tales it spins! Indian political scene has more than enough to keep satirists like you furiously engaged for decades!

    Dagny

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    1. Oh yes, there is enough fodder. More than I can chew!

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  15. Brilliant take on the VIP Babus n their nachos. And yes they all look the same... Drowned in corruption

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    1. Politicians are the new kings and queens. No wonder, the buffaloes are Queen Victoria.

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  16. Hahaha... isileye kehte hai - be Indian, buy Indian :)

    fc*klove

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  17. brilliant brilliant...mazaa a gaya ji!!! This Timmy's "Each time I see this anchor, I pee next to the nearest pole available." had me LOL!

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  18. hee hee..meri bhains ko anda kyu maaara? :) Well written Alka, Tongue in cheek :)

    http://www.numerounity.com/2014/02/home-is-where-heart-is.html

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  19. OMG, that dog is really intelligent, no, both of them are! A Bharat Ratna for both of them.

    The last line just stole the show. Awesome!

    Cheers,
    Blasphemous Aesthete

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    1. An 'Awesome' from you is really heartening.

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  20. “You ask me where was my channel, I ask you where was your conscience?” sounds very familiar. I keep hearing that whenever I pass the drg room. My old folks kept changing the channel and every where it was the same thing - chasing buffaloes.
    On a serious note this is really absurd and it can happen only in India.

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  21. Isn't there that Hindi saying - Gayi Bhains Paani Me? Given that the saying now applies to our nation - with the way it is drowning in the filthy pool of antipathy and decadence, was it any wonder that the Bhainses had no option but to run away?
    But, thank goodness that the Black Beauties were traced. The Leadership of Uttar Pradesh can finally breathe easy and resume their work of sleeping at the wheel.
    Biting post, Alka.

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  22. What next? Mere Bhains ko cologne kisne mara? :)

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  23. hahahaha I can't stop laughing Alka!! But so sad no bhains get more importance than people in this country!!

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  24. haha! Alka! That hilarious and the buffaloes must have run away dreaming of runaway bride, in quest of greener pasture. Saw the whole drama on TV:)

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