Sunday, March 31, 2013

I Me And Myself



‘Great minds talk ideas, average minds talk events and small minds talk people’
Call me what you want, I'm going to indulge in some people talk. It is quite possible that I will end up upsetting relatives and friends. Never mind, I hope to sail through privacy settings. Now don’t get all judgmental, it is human to crib about something which repeatedly tests your patience. 
 
 I am talking about people who are so full of themselves that they can burst any moment. Let me bracket such lovely people into following categories for easier understanding.

Smug Braggers: They are a classic example of an obsessed psyche in an overdrive - my achievements, my kid, my house, my dog, my root canal. In short, they are in a perpetual self-congratulatory mode.

Me: You have a lovely house. 
Smug Bragger: I know. We hired an interior designer. Gave him a free hand – no budget. 
Me: Someone I know? 
Smug Bragger: (shrugs) He's expensive. I don’t think you can afford him. 

This actually happened when we moved to Gurgaon.

Me: I want to visit my brother residing in Chicago. But look at the rising air fares! 
Smug Bragger: Frankly, with the kind of money I make, air fares don’t bother me at all. 

Neither does inflation, I am sure.

Me: So, how was the company picnic? 
Smug Bragger: I couldn’t go. But it was a flop. You know the organization feels headless without me. 

I am sure they had a gala time.

Me: What’s your house number? 
Smug Bragger: Enter A block and take my name. Everyone knows me. Just say Audi waale sahab ke ghar jaana hai. 

Simply Audacious.
 
Name Droppers: The art of name dropping is a skillful habit. The name bomb needs to be dropped casually with indifferent ease. To be fair to the fairer sex, this category is specific to men who are on the upper rung of the corporate ladder. Here are a few gems.

Name Dropper: After the meeting, Mukesh said, yaar, why don’t you join me for dinner? I refused. I had a flight to board. 


Poor Nita Ambani! She was waiting to serve dal dhokla in gold plated cutlery.

Name Dropper: Murthy was after me to join his organization. I told him, I am happy where I am. When you rise ahead of your peers, people tend to resent you.

No wonder Infosys slipped from the perch.

Name Dropper: Arnab keeps inviting me for his debates. What’s the point? He is always interrupting. 


Yes, it takes some swallowing.

 
Such people are great entertainers if you treat their ego trip like a pleasurable game. Give them a long rope and have fun. 

Nosy Snoopers: These people are interested in every minute detail, including the price, the size and the brand of your undergarment. Some do it out of sheer inquisitiveness. Some wish to fish in troubled waters. Some derive sadistic pleasure by watching you squirm.

Nosy Snooper: Did you pay for your daughter’s medical admission? US vacation kitne ka pada? Did you take a home loan for the house? Only one son? Doosra hua nahin, ya kiya nahin ? (Couldn’t conceive or didn’t try?). 
Me: Please mind your own business. We are not even friends. 

How I wanted to say this!

When your reputation and upbringing are at stake, you try to mumble an incoherent reply. Or wish you didn’t exist. The good thing about such people is that they are willing to divulge their  personal details- 85.3 K for the sofa,10.2 L for son's admission and 12.3 K for the dress. Favorite position, frequency, fantasy – everything from corny to crass is ready to tumble out. 

Fake Boasters: These people rise from modest backgrounds but sudden name and fame results in severe indigestion. Bloating and gas actually. A stint abroad alters their accent and speaking in their native language is akin to blasphemy.

Fake Boaster: After the show, the reporter asked me a question in Hindi. You know my Hindi na? I could barely speak.


 The lady belongs to Lucknow and her father was a Principal at a government school.

Fake Boaster: I cannot survive a minute without air-conditioning. 


Were you conceived in Kashmir, dude?
 
Nay Sayers: These people are always right. So they will disagree with whatever you say. Contradicting gives them a social high. Nothing personal. It's just a habit.

Me: Nice weather. 
Nay Sayer: Nice? It’s damn stuffy. 

Me: Ms X is looking lovely . 
Nay Sayer: After a visit to the spa, who wouldn’t? 
 
Digvijay Singh maybe?

Me: Food is amazing.
Nay Sayer: Huh? The dessert is too sweet.

Know-It-Alls: These people are real sweethearts- helpful to the core. They are like vending machines. You drop a coin and they are ready with opinions and solutions.

Me: We are thinking of disposing the ancestral property. 
Know-It-All: You should sell it off and buy on the Dwarka Expressway. No need for a broker. Main hoon na. Vaise I know one buyer. (Takes out his phone and begins calling.) 

Wait!! Hello? I am yet to take a final call.

Me: I have adenofibromyoleptotitis. 
Know-It-All: Now listen carefully. Take 650 mg cipronorfloxodoxycycline thrice a day, before food. Take it with warm milk. It comes in brown and white cover. Remember to take the brown one.

Antibiotic prescription. Dosage? 
Seriously!

Am I cynical or have you met such people too?

Picture Courtesy: Google Images/www.kootation.com

73 comments:

  1. The guy who sit next to me at work is so nosy .. He actually listens to my phone conversations and asks me questions about my team and project that are non of his business.
    And I know someone who is a smug bragger and name dropper combined into 1 - Deadly combination I tell you !

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ha ha. I have a relative in Mumbai who is a deadly combo of all the above.

      Delete
  2. That pretty much sums them up all! When you have such friends who needs enemies:)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. They can be great entertainers. Sometimes.

      Delete
  3. A closer enemy may be better than a distant one. That may sum up the so called friends who brag no end and enjoy forming personal equations and relate unrelated things just to cause distress.
    A good health is the only lifestyle that one needs. Hey, this is no funda, Alka. But age old saying "Health is wealth".

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. If you are getting bored at any social gathering, such friends can be fun too. Total time pass.

      Delete
  4. THIS IS THE FUNNIEST THING I HAVE READ IN A LONG LONG TIME!
    And yes, I was screaming above my loud laughter when I typed that! Hehhehh!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Coming from you, IT MEANS A LOT.
      :) :) :)

      Delete
  5. Hm.. I know quite a lot of these characters. But there is one guy who almost fits into many of these categories- my boss! Though it may sound tough situation for me, its very easy to manipulate him due to these same vices.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. My heart bleeds for you Harish. Take care. Immunity badhao. Try almond tomato shake before going to office.

      Delete
  6. I have met quite a few of them. Nosy, braggish, self-indulgent, hyper-sensitive busybodies, who should never leave their house without cello taping their mouths.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Now that I have written about them, I am falling in love with such entertainers.

      Delete
  7. This was a great fun ride! Had a hearty laugh :D

    ReplyDelete
  8. :D

    Though I often come across all the types of people you mentioned above, right now I'm reminded of a guy in college who could have been the representative specimen of most of the above types combined. :P

    And while most people fumed at him and tried to avoid him, I used to see the funny side of it, knowing well the type of character he was. :-)

    Still laughing at the adenofibromyoleptotitis and cipronorfloxodoxycycline one. :D :D :D

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You must be meeting interesting combos of all the above and more. My father was a doc too and he had such amusing tales to tell.

      Delete
  9. Ha!Ha! I had quite a laugh reading this :) I have had such people in all the possible permutations and combinations!!

    ReplyDelete
  10. Lol! Alka. What a delightful way to begin the week! My favourite pastime is observing people - there's so much we can learn/unlearn from them.

    Wondering which category I fall in :p

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You can't come close Purba, even if you try. These are gifted people.

      Delete
  11. Heheh...Met all the above and lot more..combos too :P..And people said that to you, can't believe it!! I had this guy at work, would always mind other people's business and not his. Would stare into your screen, who you are chatting with and what you are doing. There is this very close friend of our family who has NEGATIVE answer for everything...you name it everything!! I haven't heard a praise from his mouth for anyone...ahh now, see I am bitching again...let me stop!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ha ha some characters do have that effect. But they are awesome entertainers.

      Delete
  12. LOL :D This was so entertaining! True, there are so many of these specimens around... while at times they can be very irritating and can really get on your nerves, they add to a lot of entertainment too, later! :D

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Good to know. I am not the only victim.

      Delete
  13. It is a cathartic post, in the sense I am personally feeling avenged! (I hope it will be read by the perpetrators.) While I could almost hear all that being said, and many of us would remember interesting variations.

    I am still shaking with laughter at the interior designer!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You have nailed it. Cathartic is the word.

      Delete
  14. Haha.
    Such People are everywhere, I suppose.
    You just can't escape them, you know. :D
    Sometimes, they get to our nerves, but they are always kind of entertaining when we think about them later, like may be pen down about the like-minded people in our blog. :P

    This was a nice post and well composed.

    Take Care and Keep Writing. :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh, yes, they add spice to life. After writing this post, I am beginning to adore such characters. What is life without them?

      Delete
  15. Mazaa aa gaya - in fact I know quite a few, who fit into these categories. Just wind them up and then listen with wide eyed raptness and they can go on and on and on! Best time pass in a wedding where you have to be seen and know no one ... total sagan ka paisa vasool these people are. Someone I dont know from Adam told me the dimensions of the jacuzzi they'd recently installed in their bathroom along with the Kajaria tiles and the dimensions of the bathroom.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. ROFL, Ritu....bathroom specifications and jacuzzi details. What fun.
      Thanks for reading.

      Delete
  16. Interesting classification of people. Cool read.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Super funny piece to read on vacation :). And I hope not to fall in the know-it-all category always willing to dole out unsolicited advice :). Arre that Hindi one I've met. They were crawling all over the city in Mumbai even going to the extent of speaking tooti-phooti Hindi! Great observations Alka.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. He he...Hindi ones are in abundance it seems.
      Have a great vacation.

      Delete
  18. ROFL alka !!
    I was laughing through out. RELAX. I have met mannnnnny such people :) Am glad u actually penned it. I too wrote once Relatives Vs Friends and weird moments- U have any ?? on the similar lines. All categories rock !Of all Smug braggers and nosy snoopers seem highly inflammable to me!
    I cant even stand them for 5min !!!
    THats why I attend very less family parties specially when such ppl r involved. I know a person who says he knows EVERY One. Whom ever u mention ... CEO of a company , DM , Owner of some mall. My god ...But when I ask for some favor HE Fails. Y DO PEOPLE BOAST ! :(

    Made a good read

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Good, I am not the only one. In fact I toned down the observations.
      So,' I Know Everyone' is a common malaise.

      Delete
  19. Hahaha! Alka! That was fun and so true to life. Btw, actually you know you ought to do more of this (Know-it-all seemed better than the rest :) )

    There is only one clarification that I need - This chap who said all that about types of minds and what they talk, he had nothing to say about people who talk about minds? :) I mean I cannot exactly fix on what sort of a mind he is :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. This Know It All category has already placed me in a cold social chamber.
      Not sure about the chap who thinks small minds talk people. For sure, he is not on Facebook. I use the above quote as a shield each time I indulge in some mindless gossip or gentle cribbing.

      Delete
    2. Since I was giving out unsolicited opinions - abt yr writing more of this - I classified myself under the know-it-alls :)

      Delete
    3. I wish I could arrange a meeting with the 'Know It All' guys when you are in Delhi next. All your problems will be solved.....health, financial, property, parenting, official. Since there are no privacy settings on blogger, i am unable to elaborate.
      You can't come close, even if you try. They are Gods gift to Mankind.

      Delete
  20. Yes,there are those who like to listen to their own voice.

    ReplyDelete
  21. ohh god I know so many who fits perfectly in those categories..
    at times irritating but are always objects of mockery :P

    ReplyDelete
  22. we have all met such doofuses. They aggravate you with their behaviour. Very funny post.

    Lazy Pineapple

    ReplyDelete
  23. I would love for you to find a category for those people who come from villages, settle in a city and are suddenly talking in a broken English as though thats all that can talk in. I had one such acquaintance, and all she knew was "as if" - "you know" and "yeah yeah", all of which she picked up from me! Yes, I do blame myself for bringing it upon me. :|

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ha ha...yes we have an abundance of fakes and wannabes.
      Thanks for reading.

      Delete
  24. Awesome, you are so right in your observations. I was able to relate at least one person in all categories. This is seriously Hilarious!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Glad you could relate to this. Thanks for reading.

      Delete
  25. I've never met anyone who was ready to tell me their favorite position or fantasies. Frequency yes. *feels smug*

    I think I am missing vital stuff. Maybe I ought to check your friend list?

    Dagny

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dagny, I wish I could elaborate on other candid confessions. Lol..

      Maybe I will msg you.
      Thanks for reading.

      Delete
  26. I guess I know people who belong to all the above categories (minus the people who reveal their favorite position et al) :). It is fun to listen to them for a while but they have uncanny ability to get on to your nerves!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes, and they are great entertainers.

      Delete
  27. Yep we have met these people time and again! I just keep my distance from these lots coz they just get on my nerve!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. If they are elderly relatives, one is doomed.

      Delete
  28. Frankly speaking, I cannot stand such people. If someone behaves like this with me, he will find me observing the sky the next time he/she comes in my vicinity. Life is too short to waste on such people.
    Your post was damn funny by the way. :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Amit, the trick is to give them a long rope and have fun. But ' Nosy Snoppers ' make me very uncomfortable.

      Delete
  29. Alka, this is a very entertrainig analysis of 'boastrers'.We all come across such characters every where..You have minutely categorised them. Loved and laughed at the way you described them.n

    ReplyDelete
  30. This is super hilarious Alka. People like these do exist. My X-Manager was very Nosy, that 8 hours he only sees what I am doing, and responds to the questions I ask on phone. Some of my relatives too fall under a few categories here - like giving free advice, or who fake things when they speak. Nay sayers - yes a lot!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I am sure you meet loads of such people at work place. Glad you liked it Anu.

      Delete
  31. Ha Ha...Hilarious..:-) We meet so many characters who can be put into these categories, but aren't these characters so cute...:-) I would club all of them and call them 'Cute Pumpkins'..:-)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The 'know-it-alls' are kind, helpful to the core. I can't say the same about Nosy Snoopers.

      Delete
  32. I didn't realize we were moving in the same circles, Alka! ;)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ha ha. I remember reading your status msg, while I was editing this post. And I so wanted you to read this. Thanks Corinne.

      Delete
  33. It seems like the world is shrinking only in these category of people :| I just see them around ... all the time !

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. With rising insecurities, the need to assert and stay ahead is one of the reasons.

      Delete
  34. HAHaHAHAHAaaaaa!! Quite an analytical post u have here...got me thinking of ppl in my life. No u aren't cynical. These are real ppl we all meet and some of us here are like that only.

    I have this Twitter acquaintance who always has a smart antidote to all of my tweets (rants, philosophy, random, facts, life), until one day I had had enough of him, and decided to give it back.
    Instead of falling for his so called witty reply to my philosophical tweet, I replied "I have no intention to start a train of 'intelligent' argument with you. you win!". He hasn't replied to me ever since:)

    ReplyDelete
  35. I enjoyed reading it so much that I featured in a series called Mindblowing Monday on my blog :) http://debosmita.wordpress.com/2014/06/23/mind-blowing-monday-x/

    Keep writing! and keep making people laugh :)

    ReplyDelete