Wednesday, August 28, 2013

Phantom Forces



Oscar-winning director Ben Affleck will star as Batman in Warner Bros.Man of Steel’ sequel. Super-heroes, phantom forces and invisible crusaders have always fascinated us. Fortunately, we have our own phantom forces that remain invisible, like Mr. India. So lethal is their influence that they can smash reputations and governments alike. If you happen to meet them, do say hello but don’t scream, “Aila, Superman!” They prefer to remain anonymous. 

The Clean Chit Giver: The final arbitrator of who is guilty and who is not, this man who issues Clean Chits is the President of the self-serving club of mutual back scratchers. He flashes a clean chit much before the investigation begins.The uncles, the son-in-laws and Godmen accused of assaulting young girls are given a clean chit in advance.

Do: Do ask him for a handful. You can use clean chits each time the traffic cop says, ‘Gaddi side ko le'.
Don’t: Don’t mess with him. You risk being crushed by a speeding truck or a sand lorry.

The Source: When the news anchor waves that sheet of paper and exclaims, “Your channel has proof,” you realize the might of the Source. The Source helps our news anchors to bash Pakistan, to seek answers from the mighty and to reveal any wheeling dealing. There is something about the source that spooks politicians across party lines. The Source is, I am told, visible only to the likes of Arnab and Rajdeep who view him through a red glass a la Mr. India. A source can. But you can’t. You can’t pigeon hole this source, that is. Is he a man, or a woman? No one knows.

Do: If you meet him, do thank the Source for exposing hidden skeletons.
Don’t: Don’t waste your time in details. Basically, the Source works in the interest of aam aadmi, so just let him/her be.

The File Keeper: If there ever was a phantom force that guarded the BJP Khand, the Congress Empire, the TMC Queendom or the SP Pradesh, it is the guy who keeps a watch on files needed by the investigating agencies. When sensitive files disappear in thin air (vanish or stolen by ghosts) one has to acknowledge the power of the File Keeper. The television anchors can hyperventilate all they like, but this formidable protector of files trumps all. No files, no case. Simple.

Do: Do admire the impenetrable air of confidence of this operative. News is that the guardian of the missing files (the additional secretary in the coal ministry) is exactly the same person who is chairing the inter-ministerial committee that has been set up to trace the missing files. Call it irony if you like. Read Here
Don’t: Don’t bash him. What Saboo was to Chacha Chaudhary, The File Keeper is to Chacha Jaiswal. The File Keeper simply follows instructions. His weak spot? A transfer order to a Maoist infested area.


Ben Affleck can play Batman, but he can never match our phantom forces. Remember 'The Foreign Hand' that used to instigate riots in the past? The same 'Foreign Hand' is now smashing our Rupee. Bang on!


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33 comments:

  1. Stinging satire Alka! Now, if only the Source can expose the File Keeper and the Clean Chit giver :) But, then, Arnab and Rajdeep may lose their red glass, who knows! :)

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    1. You said it. The Source can only expose,but he cant convict. That's where The File Keeper trumps.

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  2. Alka, we are living in times when accountability has been left only at the lowest levels and all the senior lot who run the show are not serious, leaving us in a lurch and hopelessness all around:(

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  3. "The Source is, I am told, visible only to the likes of Arnab and Rajdeep who view him through a red glass a la Mr. India. A source can. But you can’t. " - Haha. The red glass. The post - satire at it's best. Just a handful of words and you have broken a year's supply of Breaking News to pieces. Love your style.

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  4. LOL! Very nicely written. What about the 'Black Money Bank'..after all everybody has so much of ill-gotten gains,somebody needs to manage it...and of course, 'The Ultimate Moralist' ..the one person who's the authority on moral conduct in the society... whew ! we have quite a few phantom men !

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    1. Oh yes, them too. Thank you for reading.

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  5. I wonder where is our Shaktimaan aka Gangadhar.

    Reminds me of a song that says,
    They're locking up the sun, the light of reason gone
    N' hope has been successfully undone
    The question's burning on, where is it coming from
    No-one seems to know the monster born

    It's a bad trip on a sinking ship, when no-one seems responsible
    Scapegoat to rock the boat, yeah, we need someone expendable
    Volunteers to face the fears, can we be sensible
    And find a way to break the fall, find out the cure for all

    Is there a hero somewhere, someone who appears and saves the day
    Someone who holds out a hand and turns back time
    Is there a hero somewhere, someone who will never walk away
    Who doesn't turn a blind eye to a crime

    ~Locking up the sun, by Poets of the Fall


    Cheers!

    Blasphemous Aesthete

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Shkatiman is doing daily soap. LOL.

      Thanks Anshul.

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  6. Alka, the post is a great satire and a very sad commentary on how our news channels operate. You have been merciless in tearing every gimmick of theirs to shreds. Powerful writing!

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    1. Thanks Rachna, any appreciation from you means a lot.

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  7. Wow! Such a wonderfully-spun satire :)

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  8. Ha ha ‘Gaddi side ko le’ the dialogue everyone fears.
    The foreign hand is not so frequently used now a days I suppose.
    Ben Affleck did a good job in Argo.

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    1. In Pune too? Here in Gurgaon, 'Gaddi side ko ley' is in heavy Haryanavi accent.
      Thanks for reading.

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  9. I always loved your write ups on politics :) This one is no less...you gave a good punch!!

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  10. This should only confirm that congress has a very strong media cell.TV news channels are eventually looking at ROI.Once ,big business house stake control of media,it is not the editor who is the boss..And don't forget,Bharat Nirman Ad budget is just too juicy for any one to close his/ her convictions to the heart.
    We are sold out

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  11. Alka, another great satire that highlights the sad state of our country. You have an amazing, tongue-firmly-in-cheek style of writing which I simply adore.

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  12. Hi,
    Its a Pleasure to invite you for an Interview with http://bloggerinterviews.blogspot.in/
    Hope you have heard about the it , Please get back at xs2rahulz@yahoo.com for Details.
    Thanks.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you Rahul. I have heard about it and read your interview with Suresh and other bloggers too. I will revert back soon.

      Delete
  13. Alka, call it masochistic depravity but we all seem to be loving it! And hey, you can't just stop there -the list goes on.... Alternately, Mum is the word!

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  14. With such great phantoms, do we have any hope for progress? Batman it seems have evil brothers and they are all stationed in our great country.
    Enjoyed this post.

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    1. Glad you liked it. The political cynicism is so deep that readers avoid such posts.

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  15. Ooh! How she delights with her wit.

    And all these superpowers have one common goal - hoodwinking the public.

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    1. Thanks for reading Purba. The height of brazen behavior is that the files go missing.

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