Tuesday, April 14, 2020

The Big Chop

Don’t 'dye' laughing but this has been my biggest lockdown moment. Baking, mopping or sweeping are nothing compared to my recent hair-raising achievement. To cut the long story short, I gave my husband a haircut. Chop. Chop. Look, if you think I’m being dramatic, there are reasons for my 'over-the-mop' excitement. For one, my husband doesn’t allow anyone to touch his fistful of strands. And second, try cutting a man’s mop without the necessary accouterments like the trimmer or a sharp scissor. It’s as tough as extracting alcohol from the sanitizer. Okay, I’m exaggerating but you get the drift. 

So it all began two weeks ago when I humbly offered hair cutting services. 

“If I mess up, consider shaving it off. Nobody will notice in this lockdown. If kids he-ho-ha-ha-ha, you can wear a cap during video calls.” 

“No way,” he said in a steely voice that brooked no argument. “ I’d rather wait for this lockdown to end than risk it.” 
“As you wish,” I shrugged. 

Both of us knew, it wasn’t happening anytime soon. But hope can be a stubborn thing. 

Two weeks passed. And hair we were. Fed up with the unruly mop and heat, the husband had reached a split end. 

“Can you trim my hair in the evening?” he asked sheepishly. 

Hiding my inexplicable excitement, I nodded with a straight face. I had a task. After Modi ji left me bereft of any task in his third address, I was looking forward to some challenge. This was my moment of empowerment. A had a balcony task.

So while he spent the morning preparing a report, I browsed through an assortment of hair cutting videos. I wanted to be a cut above the rest. 

When the designated moment arrived, I asked him with a straight face, “So what sort of cut do you want? Arjun Kapoor’s ‘Quiff’, Tiger Shroff’s ‘Military Crop’, Akshay’s ‘League Crew’ or Shahid’s ‘ Pompadour’? I can also try a textured top with a tapering fade, what say?"

“Stop it,” he quipped. “Just trim a bit. And handle with hair. I mean care." 

“Aye aye captain. Don’t you worry” I replied. “ Promise to chop your mop to the best of my ability."

With my heart thumping loudly, I began chopping whatever little there was at offer. Had we been young, it could have been a romantic moment. Like sewing a button on the hero’s shirt. As I came close to his ears, my heart could have lurched painfully in my throat. With sweat trickling down my forehead, the soft delirium of his eyes could have created a muted storm. Instead, the only thing going on our minds was - be careful with the ear, be careful with the ear, be careful with the ear. 

Finally, when I was done I got claps that didn’t reach his forehead. I was indeed a cut above the rest. A wife with fringe-benefits. When this lockdown ends and people ask what is the one thing that you learnt in this historic stay-at-home period, I can proudly say, “A man’s haircut.” 
After all, a penny shaved is a penny earned. 

Not winging it but he does look like a breath of fresh hair. 
I must-ache you all reading this, what’s your haircut story? I’m sure you have one. Do share for the shear fun of it. 

Image Courtesy : Shutterstock


  1. Frankly speaking,Post covid, I would still like u remain a blogger and not try your hands at a beauty salon.I could go Ha(y)ir wire.!! Nicely articulated.

    1. Yes I also aggree with you rajesh Thakkar...Today I feel Bored to read articles about Bollywood...Well Alka really appreciate your work...Thanks for the share

  2. This is brilliant. Should have attached a picture as a testimony.

    1. Thank you so much.
      Aap divorce karoge? 😊

  3. I don't know what tickled me more, your humour quotient or the barbarous proposal that eventually had a pleasant fallout!

  4. Hahaha. This sure must have been a hair raising event for your husband!

    1. Actually, he loved it. Which gave me the courage to write about it.

  5. Replies
    1. Yes, which is why I wrote about it. Can't risk a fight in lockdown 😜

  6. I wish there had been pictures too! That would have been so nai-ce! I could almost feel you and P trimming, I mean, brimming with excitement. Such acts of (b)romanticism raise any relationship to hair raising levels!

    1. Hair, hair...I wrote about it and survived is enough. Pictures would have made it difficult to survive the lockdown 😂

  7. Learning never ends:) So what if it is not your own tressses!

  8. Hahaha... Until now, my hubby and son still haven't trusted me to cut their hair for the same reason - "fear". Nice to read your post again. Hope you and families are healthy and can survive the lockdown well!!! Take care! :)

  9. I see you've made the cut as a personal hair groomer.

    On the blogging front, your use of puns was a breath of fresh hair :p