Tuesday, April 14, 2020

The Big Chop




Don’t 'dye' laughing but this has been my biggest lockdown moment. Baking, mopping or sweeping are nothing compared to my recent hair-raising achievement. To cut the long story short, I gave my husband a haircut. Chop. Chop. Look, if you think I’m being dramatic, there are reasons for my 'over-the-mop' excitement. For one, my husband doesn’t allow anyone to touch his fistful of strands. And second, try cutting a man’s mop without the necessary accouterments like the trimmer or a sharp scissor. It’s as tough as extracting alcohol from the sanitizer. Okay, I’m exaggerating but you get the drift. 

So it all began two weeks ago when I humbly offered hair cutting services. 

“If I mess up, consider shaving it off. Nobody will notice in this lockdown. If kids he-ho-ha-ha-ha, you can wear a cap during video calls.” 

“No way,” he said in a steely voice that brooked no argument. “ I’d rather wait for this lockdown to end than risk it.” 
“As you wish,” I shrugged. 

Both of us knew, it wasn’t happening anytime soon. But hope can be a stubborn thing. 

Two weeks passed. And hair we were. Fed up with the unruly mop and heat, the husband had reached a split end. 

“Can you trim my hair in the evening?” he asked sheepishly. 

Hiding my inexplicable excitement, I nodded with a straight face. I had a task. After Modi ji left me bereft of any task in his third address, I was looking forward to some challenge. This was my moment of empowerment. A had a balcony task.

So while he spent the morning preparing a report, I browsed through an assortment of hair cutting videos. I wanted to be a cut above the rest. 

When the designated moment arrived, I asked him with a straight face, “So what sort of cut do you want? Arjun Kapoor’s ‘Quiff’, Tiger Shroff’s ‘Military Crop’, Akshay’s ‘League Crew’ or Shahid’s ‘ Pompadour’? I can also try a textured top with a tapering fade, what say?"

“Stop it,” he quipped. “Just trim a bit. And handle with hair. I mean care." 

“Aye aye captain. Don’t you worry” I replied. “ Promise to chop your mop to the best of my ability."

With my heart thumping loudly, I began chopping whatever little there was at offer. Had we been young, it could have been a romantic moment. Like sewing a button on the hero’s shirt. As I came close to his ears, my heart could have lurched painfully in my throat. With sweat trickling down my forehead, the soft delirium of his eyes could have created a muted storm. Instead, the only thing going on our minds was - be careful with the ear, be careful with the ear, be careful with the ear. 

Finally, when I was done I got claps that didn’t reach his forehead. I was indeed a cut above the rest. A wife with fringe-benefits. When this lockdown ends and people ask what is the one thing that you learnt in this historic stay-at-home period, I can proudly say, “A man’s haircut.” 
After all, a penny shaved is a penny earned. 

Not winging it but he does look like a breath of fresh hair. 
I must-ache you all reading this, what’s your haircut story? I’m sure you have one. Do share for the shear fun of it. 


Image Courtesy : Shutterstock

17 comments:

  1. Frankly speaking,Post covid, I would still like u remain a blogger and not try your hands at a beauty salon.I could go Ha(y)ir wire.!! Nicely articulated.

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    1. Yes I also aggree with you rajesh Thakkar...Today I feel Bored to read articles about Bollywood...Well Alka really appreciate your work...Thanks for the share

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  2. This is brilliant. Should have attached a picture as a testimony.

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    1. Thank you so much.
      Pic?
      Aap divorce karoge? 😊

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  3. I don't know what tickled me more, your humour quotient or the barbarous proposal that eventually had a pleasant fallout!

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  4. Hahaha. This sure must have been a hair raising event for your husband!

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    1. Actually, he loved it. Which gave me the courage to write about it.

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    1. Yes, which is why I wrote about it. Can't risk a fight in lockdown 😜

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  6. I wish there had been pictures too! That would have been so nai-ce! I could almost feel you and P trimming, I mean, brimming with excitement. Such acts of (b)romanticism raise any relationship to hair raising levels!

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    1. Hair, hair...I wrote about it and survived is enough. Pictures would have made it difficult to survive the lockdown 😂

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  7. Learning never ends:) So what if it is not your own tressses!

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  8. Hahaha... Until now, my hubby and son still haven't trusted me to cut their hair for the same reason - "fear". Nice to read your post again. Hope you and families are healthy and can survive the lockdown well!!! Take care! :)

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  9. I see you've made the cut as a personal hair groomer.

    On the blogging front, your use of puns was a breath of fresh hair :p

    Cheers,
    CRD
    http://scriptedinsanity.blogspot.com/

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